Writing On The Wall
by Elphaba-Rose
Summary: Horrific murders reminiscent of Jack the Ripper's in London, 1888, begin to grace the streets of NYC. Can Leonardo get to the bottom of them, and fight his own depressive destruction at the same time? Sequel To What Colour Is My Life Today?
1. I'm Killing Myself From The Inside Out

A.N: I did a sequel! Lolness, you all wanted one so here it is! I hope ya'll like it; I'm trying hard with it. The rating is T but that might go up, I'll wait and see. There's mystery in here for a reason lol, and it'll be my first, so sorry if it's like too easy to figure out or something, I've honestly never wrote one before. But anywayz, enough babbling, I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT. 'Nuff said.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter One

I Killed Myself From The Inside Out

"They're the rules Leo, as long as you follow them, you can go out," Raphael said pleasantly, hands on hips and observing his older brother cheerfully.

Leonardo stared at him. It hadn't been spoken or officially declared in the last two or three months, but he knew he hadn't been allowed to step one foot outside the lair. Shell he'd rarely been allowed in the dojo let alone topside. They'd told him it was because of the healing wound on his side, the three deep holes in the soft flesh between his plastron and shell. But he knew it was because they didn't trust his mentality. To be honest, neither did he.

"I…I can go out?" He repeated, in a state of shock.

"You can go out," Raph confirmed, smiling as the blue turtle's face lit up in ecstasy.

Without another word, Leo sped for the door. He seized a jacket, not caring it was Raph's and not his own, and leapt into it. He said a hasty goodbye and breezed out into the sewers before anyone could stop him. He was finally released from his cage and able to roam free, and no one would be able to tell him otherwise.

Raph chuckled and flopped onto the couch where Leo was sat mere seconds ago. He interestedly picked up the abandoned notepad and mp3 player. He peeked at the music device then turned it off to save the battery. Raph wasn't interested in the music, if it wasn't heavy metal why should he bother?

He placed the blue gadget on the coffee table and turned his attention to the notepad. He flicked through the poetry he'd already read, until he found a new piece, half finished. He let his chocolate eyes roam the few sentences curiously. He didn't like the subjects his elder brother wrote about, but they were good poems all the same.

Leo didn't hide his notepad anymore, but he didn't like people looking at it either. He felt they'd judge him on what he wrote, and he usually wrote what was in his heart. And what was in his heart was usually despair and anger and guilt and grief.

In the two months that had passed since Leo had revealed the nature of their beloved Sensei's death, they, Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo, had all knit themselves closer together. Yet at the same time, Leonardo had been unwinding himself even further away from them.

Although he had started to become physically healthy once more, sleeping a little more regularly and gradually gaining a few of the pounds he had lost (which he hated), he put on a mask to hide the battle he was waging inside.

Something Master Splinter had said once came to him again and again and again. He had yet to figure out whether that was a good thing. But he had been told to be like a swan, a swan appears calm and poised on the surface, yet underneath the watery glass its legs struggle to stay afloat. Even when the biggest of wars rage on inside of you, always appear collected and tranquil.

Raphael had never been told this, and neither had his younger brothers, so they knew nothing of his eldest turtle's façade. To them, Leo was getting better, and finally getting over their dead father. But he was far from it.

Raph rubbed his nose tiredly and reread the incomplete poem. His brother's handwriting was so neat. There were a couple of scribbles where he had decided to use different words but that was all.

_It's something I want,_

_It's something I crave,_

_It's something I need,_

_It's something you have, _

_It's something you give,_

_It's something you feel,_

_But I can't have it._

Sighing, Raph flipped the book closed and tossed it on the table. Sometimes, as hard as he tried, he just couldn't understand his brother. Granted, he might be the one who understood him the most, but it wasn't anywhere near enough.

They had all made a huge effort in understanding him lately, but they just could not see things his way, and vice versa. They didn't get why he blamed himself, and he didn't get why they didn't blame him.

But one thing was for sure, Raphael certainly hadn't trusted him. And Mikey had freaked out whenever he saw Leo within ten feet of a sharp object. Raph had known Leo's sanity balanced on the edge of the blades he loved so much. If he was left unattended there was no telling what he might do.

It was difficult, but Leonardo had finally earned back Raphael's trust. The hand-made Splinter plushie he had made for their birthday had helped a great deal. It showed Leo had handled a needle without driving it into his flesh.

They hadn't mentioned it, but they examined him every morning out of the corner of their eyes. And sometimes, when Leo noticed one of them was staring particularly hard at the skin underneath, he thrust his hand in their direction to inspect.

There had been relapses, of course there had. He wouldn't be human if there wasn't, or as human as he could possibly be. They weren't explained, he left them pondering. He silently accepted their scolds and offered no excuses. It exasperated Raph, intrigued Mike and worried Don.

His last relapse had been a week ago. Mike had had a particularly bad nightmare and Leo, as always, went to comfort him. Once Mike had drifted back off to sleep with the Splinter plushie and his Mini-Mikey plushie in the crooks of his arms, Leo had reacquainted his skin with the steel razor blade only he knew about.

Raph yawned and lifted his feet onto the coffee table. He thought over his rules once more and decided they weren't as harsh as he first thought. What was harsh about staying well away from public areas, the cemetery and the Shredder building, ringing them the moment trouble arose and staying out no longer than an hour and a half? Nothing really.

With a dry chuckle, Raph realised their roles had been reversed, Leo was the rebel (almost) and Raph was the leader (almost). He stretched contently and went to reach for the remote, hearing footsteps behind him.

Before he could even seize the gadget however, a bottle was irritably flung onto the table. Raph frowned in confusion, withdrew his hand and looked up at his brainy brother for an explanation.

"Valium! Fucking valium!" Don stormed, marching backwards and forwards behind the couch. Raph mentally sighed; Don only swore if he was _real _angry. The red turtle turned and knelt up to face his brother.

"What the shell is valium Donny?" He asked patiently.

"A freakin' drug! It relieves anxiety, calms you, stops you worrying, all that shit," Don huffed, throwing his hands up in annoyance.

"What about it?" Raph turned and examined the almost empty bottle of pills.

"I knew I had a bottle missing, I just knew it! And guess where I found it?" Don continued to rant.

"Where?" Raph asked with a sinking heart. But he already knew the answer.

"Leo's room! I went in there to fetch that book I lent him and they were under his pillow!" Don answered furiously.

"What were you doing under his pillow?" Raph turned back round, the bottle clutched in his hand as he lent on the top of the couch, watching Don pace.

"Looking for the book! I knelt on his bed to look on his shelf and they rolled out but that's not the point!" The second youngest snapped briskly. "The point is that bottle's been gone about three weeks and there's like fifty pills missing!" He indicated the bottle.

"So?" Raph shrugged.

"So? So?" Don cried, scandalised. "Raph, one pill lasts a good ten hours, that's how strong they are, and they're addictive!" He thundered. Raph let it sink in. Then he panicked.

"Are you saying he's addicted?" He questioned, his voice shrill.

"No! I…I dunno," Don added after noticing he'd screamed no just because of fear and not logic. Seeing Raph's alarm and hearing his own outburst calmed him a little. "I thought we were doing too well, no breakdowns or regressions. It's because of them!" Don nodded to the pills in Raph's shaking hands.

"What are we gonna do?" Raph asked quietly, his fright dying down now Don had relaxed.

"We gotta get him off them, there's nothing else we can do," Don replied solemnly.

Mikey edged back around the corner, his eavesdropping finished. His chest expanded and shrank rapidly as he fought off the tears threatening to bubble to the surface. He felt his emerald eyes burning and his throat constricted painfully.

His big brother was supposed to be getting better! Getting addicted to drugs, however good they may seem, was not getting better. It was hurtful to think one person's death could disrupt all these lives so terribly.

But of course it had been a very, very, very special person who had perished. Yet Splinter did not know how ruined his son would become after his death. If he did, he would never have become a father, for his children's sake.

Little Mikey just wanted the old Leonardo back. He knew things would never be the same again, a huge part of them had been snatched away and they were never going to get it back. But Raph and Donny were as Raph-like and Don-like as they could ever hope to be, and Mike was grateful for it. But Leonardo wasn't returning to his old self, almost exactly a year since their Sensei's death.

Did Leo even want to be how he used to be? It didn't seem so sometimes. When he was reprimanded for a relapse, he almost seemed cold and uncaring, not in the least bit guilty or ashamed. Whenever he had been yelled at for training in the dojo, he had remained emotionless. In fact, the only time he had shown the minutest shred of emotion was when one of them had been upset, or when Raph took his swords off him.

Mike shivered. Leo really didn't like that, he went mental, screaming and crying and shaking. Mike only wished he had been like that after Splinter's death, it was a reaction he knew was natural. But no, Leo had to tear the place apart when his swords were taken away from him, not his Sensei.

It worried Mike. Did his katanas really mean more to him than Splinter? Then it occurred to him, they were the only things he had left of him. Sure he had all the things he'd taken from the rat's room but they weren't meant _for _him, they were just his punishments, and that plushie?

He hated the damn thing with a passion. He used to love it, but then he grew to resent it. He despised those plastic blue eyes and that cute little smile. He knew it wasn't him. The others were perfect replicas, but his own was simply the turtle he was expected to be.

No, his swords were the only things he had. After the ones he had made with Raphael when he was fifteen had snapped again a couple of years later, Leo was at a loss. He had no weapons, and he felt like he had no arms.

Until Splinter had produced them out of thin air, it seemed, like magic. They had, the old master explained, been Master Yoshi's, and Splinter felt it was time they were passed on to Leo. Those things were his soul, and he vowed he'd never let them go.

But he had, albeit reluctantly. He'd felt so ashamed when he undid the strap around his plastron and flung the heavy blades at his brother's feet. Then he'd stormed to his room, slipped on his headphones and almost blasted out his ears by switching his mp3 player on full volume.

Mike didn't get to sleep that night. His head was full of echoes of his brothers' bellowing at each other, their cussing and insults reverberating from ear to ear. Then he remembered Leo pleading his trustworthiness and Raph refusing point blank to comment. In tearful frustration, Leo surrendered his swords. Michelangelo hoped he would never have to see his elder brother with a face like that again.

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Leo upturned his face to the sky and let the June rain sprinkle down upon his skin in welcomed torrents. He smiled, a breath of relief escaping his lips. Fresh air had never felt so good.

He felt like Leonardo for the first time in an age. He had his swords back, which seemed like the best friends he'd ever had, residing comfortably on his shell. He was slinking in the shadows, tailing imaginary prey. He was alive.

He lifted a hand to slide away the rainwater from his soft cheeks. His weathered fingers smoothed over the pale ridges of the scars beneath one of his eyes. They marred his handsome face as a constant reminder of that night at the beginning of April. He was almost fond of them.

Foot activity was rare since that night. If the three younger turtles caught any of the enemy ninjas red handed, they simply abandoned whatever they were doing and fled. Leo couldn't help but feel suspicious, as much as he wanted to trust Karai, he couldn't.

He _had _trusted her, back when he was fifteen. She was two years older than him, but that hadn't mattered at the time. To him, she was merely a lost case he had the urge to help, much like the young, unfortunate Keiji. Yet to her, he was much more.

And he couldn't understand why. He pondered it as he pelted across the rooftops, his feet splashing satisfyingly in the puddles and the rain sloshed upon his skin and drummed on his shell. He loved the rain.

But he didn't love Karai, and he didn't know where he'd mislead her into thinking he did. She wouldn't have kissed him otherwise. But what really frustrated him was the fact she'd declared his love to him, yet she'd still sleep with ninety per cent of the male population, and perhaps even the female too. Any decent person wouldn't do that, even if their love were unrequited.

But he supposed sex would be addictive, he wouldn't exactly know, would he? He'd thought about it, what would he be if he didn't? But he couldn't imagine making love with anyone he didn't deeply and truly care for. What was the point in sharing something so special with someone whose name you weren't even going to remember in the morning?

He wondered if it was just girls, after all, he hadn't had much experience with the alien species. But then, he remembered April was nothing like that. She and Karai were totally different women. The only things similar were their fiery, girl power junkie attitudes and their ages, Karai's twenty one years and April's twenty five.

But apart from that, they were very different, even in appearance. Karai was mysteriously dark and April was a bright redhead. Karai was tall and slim, April a little shorter and a little cuddlier due to recent motherhood. And also, April was happily married (Most of the time) and had a gorgeous baby daughter, Raven. Karai was single with the ambition of sharing her body with every person imaginable.

So no, it wasn't the female species. Leo shrugged, slowing down a tad to give his tired legs the tiniest of rests. Maybe Karai was just a whore. But why though? That was his main question.

However, he had other things to ponder about besides a Japanese whore. He bent and massaged his cramped calves, he hadn't worked them this hard for ages, he hadn't had the chance unfortunately.

"No! Please!" A shrill, female voice shattered the night's silence. His head snapped up and he growled menacingly.

If there was anything he hated, it was people picking on women. Ignoring the shots of pain firing up the back of his legs, he stole his way two alleys down. He could hear the young lady's petrified screams and felt his heart beat fiercely in anger.

He slid haphazardly in his haste across the gritty rooftops and cursed the pebbles that tinkled as loud as boulders being hurled off a cliff in his ears. He bent to his knees and peered over the edge.

His gasp was drowned out by the tittering rain and another scream fought its way out of the woman's mouth, before all but the rain were hurriedly muffled. It was high up there, but he got a perfect view of the sick scene of a grotesque play being performed before him.

The innocent lady had been forcefully pinned up against the chilly, filthy brick wall. But her attacker was hidden in the shadows, snaking in the smoky black tendrils with much skill, Leo couldn't make out exactly who, or even what, it was from that distance.

The victim was understandably terrified, a hand jammed against her lips, caging her voice within. Her head was being shoved back against the rough, unkind brick again and again and again, warning her. Her head stopped banging, and if Leo squinted he could just see scarlet shadows sneaking their way through her blonde hair.

And suddenly, he caught out of the corner of his eye, a glint of steel in the darkness and the hiss of metal underneath the angry rain.

He tried to move, he tried to yell. But his tired legs had locked in their positions, bellowing their protests out in bolts of pain if he tried to move. His voice had died; he could not seize it from the depth of his stomach. It refused to come, fear kept it rooted in his very core. He was forced to watch.

His heart panicked so hard he dreaded he might be heard. He watched the blade shimmer in the starlight with terrified sapphire eyes. Then in happened before he could even blink. The knife flashed down and the attacker vanished before either head or head could smash to the floor with a sickening thump.

Leo still couldn't move. He eyed the blinding crimson liquid swamp the alley floor, his heart thudding, his mouth open in shock. Rain spattered into the juices, diluting it and chasing it down the drains.

The head rolled to a still and, gulping, he looked at its pretty face. Glassy blue eyes stared accusingly up at him like some grotesque zombie doll.

To Be Continued

A.N: Yay! I finished it! Hehe I hope you guys all liked it, I loved writing it. Okies, the title chapters are all lines from a song, and there's a huuuge virtual c00kie to the person who can guess what song it is and who sings it lolness. Anywayz, please, please, pleeease review, they mean the world to me lol. Thankies guys, love you all!


	2. All My Fears Have Pushed You Out

A.N: Thank you so much for the reviews! Even though I think some people don't like it, seeing as I didn't have as many as the first chapter of WCIMLT? But oh well, I'm enjoying it, and it sounds like you guys are too lolness. And by the way, there's an alternative ending up for You Bleed Just To Know You're Alive, so please check that out if you like. Happy Valentine's Day. Thanks a lot and enjoy.

Disclaimer: Check chapter one.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Two

All My Fears Have Pushed You Out

"E9?"

"Miss,"

"Damnit,"

Donny chuckled at his older brother's cursing. It was really rare when Raph agreed to play any game with them, let alone Battleships, and the events that took place were particularly funny, if only to Donatello and Michelangelo.

Raph grumbled and marked his board. He regretted getting the thing out now. He hated board games. The only ones he'd put up with were Monopoly and Scrabble, and that was only because they played them just once a year at Christmas. Or at least, they had, until that happened last summer. It was hard to believe a year had almost passed, it felt much longer.

"G4?"

"Damnit,"

Don decided his brother's cuss meant he'd just hit again. He grinned, he liked this game. The old classics really were the best. In fact, it was his favourite game, save for Scrabble of course. How could he hate a game he won every time? Odd, how reading paid off sometimes.

They heard a little muffled cough and a sniffle to the side of them. They turned to look sympathetically at Michelangelo, who was curled up tightly on the couch, watching them.

His eyes were red and sore from crying and a knuckle was clamped in his teeth and the Splinter plushie clutched to his plastron. He had not taken the news well, it was even worse when he was caught eavesdropping. He'd just screamed and bawled his eyes out. But how would _you _react if you'd just discovered your beloved elder brother was possibly addicted to drugs?

"Why don't you go to bed Mikey?" Don asked kindly, reaching over to place a tender hand on his brother's head.

"Don't wanna," Mike shook his head stubbornly. At nineteen years of age, he was still very much a child. Don sighed and knelt up to the couch, his hand moving to his baby brother's arm.

"It's ok Mike, Valium isn't as bad as heroin for example, or something like that," He soothed.

"But it's still a drug, 'n' Leo knows they're bad!" Mike pouted, taking his hand out of his mouth and hugging the hand-made plushie tighter.

"And when the Valium stops workin', who's t'say he won't move onto somethin' stronger?" Raph asked daringly.

"Raph!" Don spun sharply to glare menacingly at the red turtle, he was not helping any. Raph shrugged, he knew, and Donny knew, he was right. Don turned back to his baby brother.

"Mikey, you and I both know Leo is not the type," He said in efforts of steering the orange turtle away from the idea of the elder brother becoming a heroin addict.

"We also thought he wasn't the self-harming type, 'n' look where that got us," Mike huffed. Don silenced. He was right.

"Leo's not gonna become a heroin junkie, or any other junkie for that matter," Raph suddenly said solemnly. Then, in answer to Mike's questioning look: - "'Cause I'm not gonna let him," He declared. Mike broke out into a wide smile.

That simple statement filled Michelangelo and even Donatello with hope. No matter what Raphael would protect his brothers, Raph and Leo would put a stop to it. Only in this case, it was unintentionally the eldest turtle doing the harming.

Yet it nagged in the back of their mind, yes Raphael was extraordinarily stubborn, but so was Leonardo. All four of them were Taureans, and it was common knowledge bulls were very stubborn indeed, and it took a lot to change their minds. They knew Leo wasn't going to go along without a fight.

That was proved when his swords were taken. Leo had plainly refused to hand them over, even resorted to screaming and sobbing, something he never, ever, did. It was only when Raph wouldn't agree Leo was trustworthy with the things he gave them up. If there was anything Leo had hoped he would be, it was trustworthy.

His brothers had a feeling he wouldn't admit his Valium problem easily either. He didn't have a problem, it was just like meditation, something to calm him down, and there was no one ordering him to stop meditating so why should he stop taking the pills? That was what he thought.

Don knew he simply couldn't just get rid of the Valium altogether either. That could turn out to be even more dangerous than leaving him on it. No, it was just like other drugs, and Leo needed to be weaned off it. Go cold turkey and the consequences could be disastrous.

"How long has he been gone?" Mike's quiet voice broke the brooding silence.

"'N hour," Raph replied, turning back to studying his game board.

"What we gonna say?" Mike sniffled, burying his head into the Splinter plushie's fur.

"We gotta confront him Mike, nothing else we can do," Don gave a reassuring smile then returned to the game.

"A2?"

"Hit,"

"Halle-fucking-lujah!"

The front door crashed shut, echoing throughout the lair. Mike gave a shocked whimper and Don jumped so erratically, he upset his tray of red and white pegs. He and Raph glanced at each other then all three of them climbed to their feet. Don grabbed the seemingly menacing bottle of pills.

As they approached, Leo's bedroom door slammed shut and they heard the clunk of a lock clicking into place. Uneasy peers at one another were shared. Then Don dared to knock.

"Leo?" He rapped loudly and expected the door to open instantly as was Leo's custom.

"Leo, bruv, we need to talk," Raph ventured. Yet Leo remained silent.

"Leo, I'm ordering you to come out!" Don tried the more aggressive approach to no avail. Their elder brother stayed firmly behind the locked door.

"Leo, please bro!" Even Mike pleaded but Leo didn't even answer, let alone opened the door. Raph growled.

"Leo, for fuck's sake, open the pissin' door!" He yelled. No reply.

Raph snarled, turned on his heel and marched off to his own room. Don caught Mike's worried emerald eyes with his own fretful hazel. It wasn't long before extremely loud heavy metal pumped throughout the lair, courtesy of Raphael. And pretty soon, much to everyone's surprise, The Goo Goo Dolls erupted from Leo's room to rival that of his brother's. Don sighed and walked off to his lab, Mike at his heels.

The brainiest turtle knew it would only be a matter of time before Leo would be tearing the place apart for his Valium if the recent show was anything to go by. Don would calmly wait until he did, then hopefully things would be resolved.

Leo turned his back on the blaring, deafening c.d player. He'd do anything to drown out his brother next door, he'd even scream until his eardrums popped but he knew music was healthier, even at this volume.

Panting, he sunk onto his bed, shivering despite the central heating being on full, he wasn't cold, far from it. He pressed his palms against his pounding head, John Rzeznik's deep (A.N: SEXY!) voice reverberating from wall to wall.

He could see the blade sink into the pale, flawless flesh, he could see the tissues snap and shatter. He could smell the burning coppery scent as blood spat and bubbled, he could smell body juices fleeing into the air. He could hear the blood splashing onto the chilly floor; he could hear the dull thud as the head hit the ground.

He clapped a hand to his mouth and shoved the bile back down to his core. It wouldn't do for him to throw up all over his room and he daren't venture out of the door either.

Not feeling as nauseas, he hastily fumbled with his sword strap and flung it and his katanas carelessly to the floor, not bothering to put them where they belonged. He cursed; he was shaking uncontrollably.

He'd just witnessed an innocent woman having her head sliced clean off her neck. He shuddered, recalling her shocked, unbelieving expression. His mind overflowed with memories.

Two faces plagued his head, both as untainted and surprised as the other. One was human, one was a large rat. One he barely knew, one was his father. Both had died because of him. Both would still be here if it weren't for him.

Keiji and Master Splinter. They had died by different methods but by the same hand, his own. Granted the Shredder had beheaded Keiji and the Shredder had controlled Leo's hand and stabbed Splinter, but the eldest turtle could easily have prevented their deaths.

Just as he could have saved that poor woman. If he had listened to himself and just rested a tiny minute, he would have been able to physically move and save her. That was three people he had killed, not counting the Shredder.

He was turning into quite the slaughterer. His father's and two innocents' blood now sickeningly stained his jade fingers and his steel grey blades. They hadn't screamed but he could imagine them, and they easily took priority over the booming _What A Scene _blasting out from the device near his bed.

Geez he was so hot. And he was still shaking. The blood! God, he didn't even know there _was _that much blood in a human body. And even if he did he wouldn't think it'd stream out like that.

He was finding it hard to breathe, taking in precious oxygen in short, and frequent gasps instead of deep, steady, fluent movements. He was panicking, he needed his Valium.

He flung his pillow brutally behind him and would have dived on the bottle of pills, if they had been there. They had vanished.

Heart threatening to beat out of his chest, he leapt to his feet and yanked off his duvet, casting it on the floor. No pills. If he was alarmed before, it was nothing to how he was now.

Sweat poured off his body like salty rainwater. He turned the place upside down, slung books off his shelves, notebooks and c.ds and sketches and paints scattered from underneath his bed. Rugs were strewn aside; drawers hung off their hinges, their contents emptied all over the floor. His desk was spotless, all of its inhabitants swept petulantly onto the ground. He looked everywhere. But there was no bottle of pills.

He stood in the middle of the room, hyperventilating, unheard thanks to his and Raphael's thunderous music. He was sweating and shuddering and scorching hot. He muttered to himself, voice high in horror. He had no choice; he _had _to get out the razor.

That was the only reason he started on the Valium, so he didn't have to cut himself. He wasn't allowed to do that, so he simply found another way of coping. Don never used them, so he wasn't causing any fuss. It was a drug, yes, but it was a good one, like a prescribed medicine. People like him get prescribed Valium all the time. He was safe.

Or at least, he was. Where the shell was that bottle? He only had it that morning, and then he tucked it safely under his pillow. He had a feeling his brothers wouldn't be happy if they knew about it.

His blood suddenly ran even colder. What if _they _found it? What if they had come into his room and found it? But they wouldn't either without his permission. Would they? Did they even trust him? Was allowing him out of the lair simply a diversion so they could search his room for anything they didn't approve of?

But if this was so, then how come his razor wasn't missing also? Leo shook his head; he really believed his brothers would not do that to him. After all, he'd earned their trust had he not? He'd just misplaced them, that was all. He would look for them when he was calmer.

He slipped a trembling hand into his belt and fingered the sharp steel edge. Smiling, he took it out. Sinking on his duvet-less bed, or rather, a mattress resting on a load of crates, he laid the razor blade aside a little while and began unwrapping the brown supports from his wrists.

The cuts from last week had faded. If you peered hard enough, you could just see the last stubborn little scratches. If you ran a finger down from the bottom of his palm to a third of the way down his forearm, you could feel the rough ridges of the torn skin. It was time to change that.

As the corner of the blade dipped into his skin as carefully but deeper than a reluctant swimmer testing the water with their toe, his stomach cramped sharply out of the blue, as if he'd stuck the blade there instead. As a result of this, his hand jolted, and he narrowly missed severing the main vein in his left wrist.

He cursed his lack of self-control. If he had lost it just a few more millimetres to the right, his walls would no longer be grey, they'd have bright scarlet splotches splattered all over them and he'd be writhing in agony on the floor.

Unexpectedly, it happened again, and this time, thankfully, the razor was nowhere near his skin. His whole abdominal muscles seized up unbearably painfully. It lingered for a few seconds then relaxed as quickly as it came. Puzzled Leo rubbed his stomach. There was no tension, so where were the cramps coming from?

He decided he'd better continue his cutting away from any important veins or arteries, just in case his stomach chose to have any more spasms. But there was hardly any part of his body besides his wrists that weren't exposed.

He frowned. He couldn't do it on any knee or elbow joints, yes they were hidden but injuries there might limit his performance. He didn't even have a snowball's chance in hell of cutting through his plastron. So he had choice. It was either risk slitting a vein or lie there, panicking, shaking, sweating. The risk won. Naturally.

He worked as swiftly as possible, using clean, rapid swipes. He was lucky, his abs often pained but he was ready and able to control them. Half an hour later, he was sprawled out on his bed, wrists wrapped and stinging reassuringly.

But he still trembled and sweated and felt abnormally hot. And his stomach continued to cramp, sometimes barely even seconds long, next he had to endure whole minutes. He couldn't understand it, he didn't feel particularly ill, he was just experiencing symptoms of an illness.

He tried desperately hard to ignore them and go to sleep. He laid in the darkness, duvet-less and his room a complete bombsite. But he didn't care, he just wanted to sleep.

It wasn't coming. Instead those screams taunted him, noisier than ever before now neither his nor Raphael's music bellowed in his ears.

Instead of seeing the black shadows of a now empty bookcase or neglected Bonsai plants, he saw three pairs of eyes, Splinter's beady black, Keiji's handsome cobalt and the woman's doll-like blue. There were three different screams, a husky, aged rat's, a boyish, teenaged ninja's and a high-pitched, feminine innocent.

He couldn't escape them, they echoed in his mind with a manic laugh from a voice that sounded just like his own. He sounded like the Shredder!

But he was dead, rotting away in some unknown grave, just like his own father. Murderers paid for what they did. He would pay for the lives he had taken. A life for a life, and he had four to repay.

He realised now why he had subconsciously forbidden himself to commit Seppuku. If he did, he wouldn't be punished, he'd be able to flee with no problems whatsoever with him on the other side. Whereas if he stayed, his life would be even more of a hell than it was now.

Every night he drifted off to sleep he would visit all the crime scenes. Every drop of water that touched his flesh would turn into his victims' thick, gooey, crimson blood. Every word from somebody's mouth would twist into a terrified scream. He could never be free of that, if there was any justice in this world.

For the first time in his life, he wished he'd been born an only child. That way, he could live out his punishment by his lonely self. He wouldn't be able to hurt them or get in their way. He could chastise himself without feeling guilty about them.

But he wasn't an only child; he was the eldest of a set of quads. He couldn't change now. He loved them, they were his everything, and there was no denying that. They might not need him so much now but he would always, always, always, be there to protect them, no matter what.

Yet if he could kill their Sensei, their own father, who was to say he wouldn't kill them? Once a murderer, always a murderer right? He could lose it and just ruin everything. He didn't want to take that risk. He felt himself start to dread once more.

This was his own fault! If only he hadn't misplaced his Valium! He'd be able to take a pill no problem and things over more clearly. He'd have full control and know exactly what to do.

He winced reluctantly as his abs gave a particularly sharp pull. He raised a hand to his hand to his head and yanked off the drenched bandana. At this rate, he'd have to go have a cold shower, a _very _shower.

But he daren't take a step out of his room in case one of his brothers pounced on him. He wasn't deaf, he heard them after he first came in, yelling and banging on his door.

He didn't want to face them. He was afraid they'd see he'd been cutting and scold him. He hated it when they did, he felt like a cheeky little boy who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

They were only trying to help, it wasn't their fault. And he couldn't go on like this, his sheets were soaked through. He climbed precariously to his feet, meandering through the mess and reached for the door handle.

To Be Continued

A.N: Geez my head hurts, I hate being ill. But I just know your reviews will cheer me up! Unless no one reviews, then I'll just get more depressed. Anywayz, hope you all have a great day, even though it's pointless. I mean, who needs a day to tell someone you love them? I mean I tell you guys I love you like every time I update lol. And I don't think an hour ever goes by without me telling Monny I love her. Ok maybe I'm just jealous and depressed 'cause my friend got a poem and a dozen white roses lol. I'll just shut up. Love you all muchly.


	3. What I Chase Won't Set Me Free

A.N: Heya guys, thank you so much for the reviews, you guys rock. Remember at the bottom of chapter one, I said there's a huge virtual cookie for whoever can guess the name of the song the chapter titles are from? Well we have a winner hehe. And it's Donny's Girl lolness, so cookie for her. The song is Sympathy by The Goo Goo Dolls. That song just reminds me more and more of Leo every time I hear it. If ya ever get the chance, listen to it and you'll see what I mean. Anywayz, here is chapter three and I don't own MSN Messenger, I just have it on my computer, and it rocks hehe.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Three

What I Chase Won't Set Me Free

Don scrolled over more and more disturbing pages with information on Valium with an increasing sense of dread. The more he read the more his heart sank. Its side effects and withdrawal symptoms were very much like alcohol – sweating, shaking, fevers, stomach cramps, and overdoses could be lethal. On around fifty tablets in fourteen days, it was a wonder Leo hadn't overdosed. Don shuddered; his brother must be a medical miracle.

He reached out blindly and clumsily seized his mug. Slopping drink all over the side, he took a large gulp of the strong, sweet tea. He had a headache. But what do you expect? He'd hardly come off the thing since Leo's problems arose, researching this and that. Broken bones and wounds the size of his foot were nothing to him now.

He sighed and glanced at the clock, setting the chipped Harry Potter mug back on its coaster. It was three a.m; Leo had been shut in his room for two and a half hours. Donny knew he had to come out soon and turn the lair upside down for his pills; withdrawal must be hitting him by now.

The purple turtle glared at the little green bottle sitting innocently beside him. To think one tiny pill could cause so much fear and pain was astounding. Don didn't know what to do if they ran out whilst Leo was still addicted. He had another bottle in the drawer but they were from Stockman's private stashes April had managed to thieve. Once they were gone, there was no telling what Leo might do.

Don exited his Internet window and double clicked the little green man in the bottom right hand corner on his desktop. His Star Wars wallpaper vanished under the MSN Messenger window that popped up. He scrolled down his list of friends until he found the name he was looking for. It belonged to a doctor he met on a forum a few months ago. The Manhattan consultant had been very helpful so far and Don was pretty fond of the middle-aged woman.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: Hey Poppy.

(Rose) Poppy (Rose) says: Hiya kiddo.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: I'm not a kid anymore Poppy, I'm nineteen.

(Rose) Poppy (Rose) says: Everyone's a kid to me Donny boy.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: Haha. I need your help. As usual.

(Rose) Poppy (Rose) says: Fire away.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: You know how I thought my brother Leo was getting better?

(Rose) Poppy (Rose) says: Yes dear.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: Well I found a bottle of Valium pills under his pillow. I noticed some were missing about two weeks ago and there's like fifty pills missing.

(Rose) Poppy (Rose) says: What do you know about Valium Donny?

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: I know it's very easy to get addicted and overdose.

(Rose) Poppy (Rose) says: Yes, but what do you know about the side effects and withdrawal symptoms?

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: From what I've researched it seems to me they're very much like those of alcohol, fevers, muscle cramps, drowsiness etc.

(Rose) Poppy (Rose) says: How many self-harming relapses has Leon had?

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: I'm not sure, about three in the last month. His most recent one was a week ago.

(Rose) Poppy (Rose) says: It sounds to me Donny, that your brother is using the Valium to get what his self-harming used to do for him, and when the Valium is struggling to work, he has a relapse.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: So gradually, he needs more and more Valium to keep the sense of euphoria or whatever?

(Rose) Poppy (Rose) says: That's right. What strength is he taking?

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: Twenty mg.

(Rose) Poppy (Rose) says: And with fifty pills in two weeks, it won't be too long before he will be needing thirty mg.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: Poppy, what am I going to do? I've never dealt with anything like this before. I'm an engineer, not a doctor!

(Rose) Poppy (Rose) says: Calm down kiddo, everything will be fine. Because of yours and your brothers' terrible cases of agoraphobia, you can't exactly book him into a clinic, so listen up. I suggest weaning him off the Valium and doing things to take his mind off his anxiety.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: By weaning, do you mean I should keep the pills?

(Rose) Poppy (Rose says: Yes, and give him one when he looks like he most needs it. Don't be too lenient and don't be too harsh. During times when you feel you shouldn't give him one, sit with him until he has calmed down, do things with him and prove that nothing bad is going to happen. Praise him often, I know it sounds silly but hopefully it will give him the incentive to carry on. But remember Donny, the first step to recovery is accepting the fact you have a problem.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: Thank you so much. I think I hear his bedroom door; I'd better talk with him. Thanks again Poppy.

(Rose) Poppy (Rose) says: You're most welcome. Good luck and keep me posted.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: Will do. Bye.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) is now offline.

Donny had indeed heard a creak open slowly as if the opener wanted as little noise made as possible. He knew it had to be Leo, Raph and Mike wouldn't care how much noise they made.

He grabbed the bottle and marched outside into the corridor. Leo looked up from closing his door as if he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He blushed deep red and looked guiltily down at his feet. Don frowned. Valium deprived Leo didn't look as good as he'd hoped.

"Looking for these?" The purple turtle asked quietly and placidly.

Leo's head snapped up and his mouth fell open at the sight of the bottle in Don's hand. He made a movement as if to step towards them but then thought better of it. He felt both ashamed and angry with both himself and his brother.

"I…I'm sorry Donny," He opted to say apologetically. His stomach twisted in further remorse when he saw Don's hazel eyes flash in fury.

"Sorry? Sorry? I find you addicted to these and all you can say is sorry?" Don fumed, clutching the bottle tightly.

"I'm not addicted!" Leo argued crossly.

"Then what do you call fifty pills in a fortnight?" Donny asked irritably. Leo instantly silenced and Don knew he'd won the argument.

"Ok, so I may have a little dependence on them," The eldest muttered shyly, glaring at the floor. Don snorted.

"'Little' is an understatement. We need to talk," And he turned on his heel and walked to the kitchen, knowing his brother was trailing behind like a scolded puppy.

There was an uneasy quietness as Leo eased himself into a chair and Don readied two glasses of water. Speaking when nervous always made him thirsty and Leo looked like he could do with one too. Sitting down, Don took a sip of the clear liquid in his own glass before handing the other to his brother, who simply stared at it.

Don sighed, watching his brother sweat and shake and fight off the pain. He hated seeing him like that. It sickened him, seeing one of his brothers, especially Leo, suffer through withdrawal. Grudgingly, he flung the bottle of pills across the table to him.

Leo glanced up, surprised, as the bottle rolled towards him. Don waved a hand; noiselessly telling him it was ok. Instantly, he grabbed it and hurriedly unscrewed the cap. Donny watched him down two pills eagerly. He expected the prospect of the upcoming talk was more nerve-racking to Leo than it was to him; the blue turtle despised talking about himself.

"Why did you start taking these Leo?" Don asked, suddenly feeling very old and tired. Leo took another gulp of water before answering sheepishly.

"'Cause I'm not allowed to cut myself and they're almost as good," He almost sounded childlike, as Donny quickly noted.

"They're just as bad, if not worse. Leo, it's a wonder you haven't overdosed by now," He sighed exasperatedly.

"I know, but I need to cope somehow," Leo shrugged, gradually calming down.

"There are other ways. What about your poetry?" Don suggested.

"It doesn't have the same effect," Leo replied, a smidgeon sorrowfully. "I wish it did, but it doesn't. And it doesn't make me feel guilty, and I need to," He was becoming more and more confident now, his anxiety disappearing. If Don didn't know better, he would have thought Leo was a glutton for punishment.

"You know I disagree with that Leo, but that's not the point," He sighed again. "The point is, you have a problem and we need to get to the bottom of it. Tell me, do you really want to be dependent on them your whole life?" He asked daringly.

"No, I never wanted to become dependent on them in the first place," Leo whispered, peering into the crystal water in his glass.

"Now we're getting somewhere. We can get you off them Leo, but not without your acceptance of your problem. Do you understand?" Don waited for Leo's nod of approval before continuing. "Good, now here's what we're going to do. I'm going to keep the pills, right, and when you feel you need one, you can ask me. I'll give you one when I think you most need it. I won't give you one just for the sake of it and I won't be mean and give you none at all. Sound fair?"

Leo thought it over in his head. Ask Donny for his pills? But that would be like begging. And what was he supposed to do when he wasn't allowed one? Cut himself? But he wasn't allowed to do that either. Geez, was he allowed to do anything in this house?

"What am I supposed to do when I can't have one?" He questioned, very childlike again. Don realised he regressed like that when he was told what to do.

"Play a video game or something, anything to take your mind off it," He shrugged.

"And am I still allowed out?" He sounded like a lost little boy.

"You're still allowed out," Don reassured him, smiling.

"Thanks Donny," Leo nodded.

"We'll get you through this bruv, you can count on it," Don climbed to his feet to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I know," Leo looked up and smiled.

"Come on, let's see if there's anything good on TV," Don grinned. Leo gave something of a weak grin in return.

He stood, leaving his glass where it was. He looked down and saw the bottle of tablets looking naively back at him. He seized them and Don outstretched a hand to accept them. For a moment, he thought Leo wasn't going to hand them over. Then the blue turtle thrust them into his brother's palm and stalked off. Don smiled, slipped them into his belt pouch and followed.

They collapsed on the couch together and Donny flicked on the television sets. The place really was a mess but that exactly do you expect from four teenaged bachelors, even if one was a neat freak? There were soda cans and pizza boxes strewn everywhere from when Mike ordered earlier. It seemed neither he or Raph could be arsed to tidy up after themselves. Typical.

Don channel surfed for a while before settling on the news. They both liked to know what was going on in the world they lived in, unlike their brothers and often sat to watch the news together. Or at least, they had, this was the first time they'd done so in a long while.

"News just in," The redheaded female reporter was saying, looking very prim and proper to say it was early hours of the morning. "A decapitated body and its head have been found in the second alley leading off from Ninth Street. Reports show a Miss. Rebecca Evans was journeying home from the Le Fleur restaurant downtown where she works as a waitress, when she was attacked.

Leo and Don watched in stunned silence. People got murdered all the time in NYC but as far as they knew none had had their heads chopped off. No villain had ever really dared besides the Shredder. But he was history. Leo had finished the Utrom off himself, he couldn't be the murderer.

"There were no eye witnesses but the attack may have occurred around midnight. Police have no clues to the identity or whereabouts of the slayer as no fingerprints or evidence were found. Citizens are advised not to go out after dark whilst the murderer is still at large. If anyone has any information at all please contact the NYPD on –"

Leo gulped, his heart hammering and his body tense, it was almost as if he'd never cut himself or took a pill at all. He knew it'd be plastered all over the media, but so soon?

"Midnight, isn't that around the time you went out?" Don frowned. Leo nodded dumbly. "Did you see anything?" Leo shook his head. "Are you sure?" Leo nodded again. Don sighed. "Beheading innocent women like that, what is this world coming to?" He got up, still muttering to himself, and went off towards his lab.

Leo stared at the TV, but he wasn't paying any attention to it. If only! If only, if only, if only! If he had done this or that, that woman, Rebecca Evans, might still be alive instead of in some morgue.

His life was full of if onlys. The biggest one though, was if only he could be a better person. Decent people didn't kill others. They didn't kill fathers or stand by and let other people die without moving a muscle. He was such a dick.

He pressed down on his wrist hard with his thumb. He let out a hiss of pain as the brown support grated against his cuts. He applied more pressure, even moving his thumb a little to create a burning friction.

Someone who did not know him might go as far as saying he enjoyed pain in some twisted way. But that was far from the truth. He loathed pain; he was, after all, only 'human'. No, pain was a punishment, one only he could give.

He wanted to experience pain ten times, no, a hundred times more than Rebecca Evans', Keiji's, Splinter's and even the Shredder's put together, just to begin paying off his debt.

He knew now why those sentenced to death for killing another usually took their own life before something else, an electric chair for example, could. No one could inflict pain worse than yourself. Death by a sickening electric chair seemed almost tame, almost like a breath of freedom compared to the life of hell he was going to get.

Yet even when death eventually snatched him from the mortal world, be it by old age or an untimely end, he still wouldn't be free. He was condemned. Wherever he ended up, a hell that truly exists, another mortal life or even somewhere totally different, his existence would be full of pain and hatred and loneliness. It was the least he deserved.

But what could he do now? He'd already cut himself as much as he could. He couldn't go out again, it was going to get light soon. He looked around and his tired eyes fell upon the entrance to the dojo. It was calling him.

Without hesitation he made his way towards it, reaching up to grasp the hilts of his katanas lovingly.

He had hardly been in here for moths. He felt it was about time they got reacquainted. He brought one hand from a hilt to finger the scarring wounds on his side. They were just about healed and had more or less been ok during his outing. He moved his hand up to the scars on his cheek, running his fingers over the bumps mere millimetres from his eye.

He was going to be punished.

To Be Continued

A.N: (Just about faceplants they keyboard she's that tired.) And geez it's only twenty minutes to five too. Anywayz, speak soon, much love!


	4. I Get Scared But I'm Not Crawling

A.N: Words cannot describe how sorry I am for how late this chapter is. I've just been so depressed and busy lately, I haven't been in the mood or had the chance to do anything. I'm sorry, truly. Meanwhile, thank you so much for all the reviews, you guys all just rock. Anywayz, enjoy the chapter, even if it is like four days late. I think I'm going to change to update date to Saturdays if that's ok guys.

Writing On the Wall

Chapter Four

I Get Scared But I'm Not Crawling On My Knees

"You think it's just some cracked Purple Dragon who got outta hand?" Raphael curiously asked his brother, leaning over his shoulder and watching him scope local news sites on his precious computer.

"Nope. As much of a pain in the shell Purple Dragons can be, I don't think one of them would have had the guts," Donny replied, shrugging.

"Who do you think it was Raph?" Mike wondered, absent-mindedly slowly stirring the pancake batter in the bowl in his large hands. Raph frowned.

"I dunno. I mean, no one but the Shredder's ever dared behead someone before have they?" He thought out loud, more to himself than his brothers.

"Y'don't think it's him do you?" Mike asked with a tremor in his voice. It was understandable, after all the times Oroku Saki seemingly returned from the dead.

"Nah, Leo watched him die didn't he? Besides, Shredder wouldn't kill just anybody," Raph shook his head.

"But what if she knew something she shouldn't?" Don posed. Mike was convinced.

"Well let's just go ask Leo if he made sure Tin-Can's dead! Geez, I swear you enjoy making things complicated!" Raph huffed, swerving on his heel and marching off towards the main room, muttering to himself. Mike and Don shared a grin at their brother's expense despite the nature of their argument then followed.

Raph entered the living room fully expecting his elder brother to be sprawled out on the couch and writing in his notepad as usual. But he wasn't. He closed his mouth, which was already half open to question, he spun to fix his younger brothers with a puzzled look.

"Where _is _Leo?" He asked. As one, Don and Mike shrugged.

"He was here a couple of hours ago, we were watching the news together," Don replied thoughtfully.

"You know, I'm starting to wonder if Leo _did _see summat. 'Cause he storms in like, well, me, shuts himself in his room like, well, me, he was out when it supposedly happened 'nd that alley's directly on the route home," Raph pondered, just as attentively. Don nodded in agreement.

"Yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but Don said Leo said he di'n't see nothin'!" Mike babbled nervously, his words coming out slightly slurred in his haste.

"Put it this way Mikey, Leo lied to us about Master Splinter for nearly a year," Raphael said darkly. Michelangelo silenced.

That was true. Leonardo had proved he was an excellent liar, and usually brilliant at hiding things he didn't necessarily want them to see. They had told him it was much better to get things out into the open, and he had started doing that.

But then he stopped. He ceased talking about himself and became more and more of a recluse. He was regressing into his old self, the 'Perfect Ninja' who wasn't allowed emotions or a life. He'd never particularly enjoyed talking about himself anyway. He hated receiving sympathy.

It made him feel pretty much helpless and weak. He wanted people to understand him, but he didn't want to be pitied. He guessed where Raphael was a rebel without a cause, he, Leonardo, was a leader with too much dignity for his own good.

Growling, frustrated, Raph rubbed his face exasperatedly. Leo really pissed him off sometimes. Why couldn't he make a swift, simple recovery? But then again, Leo was the most stubborn person he knew, he wouldn't back off without a fight.

"Ok you, bed," He ordered firmly as Don hastily covered a huge yawn.

Mikey had to wonder who he was talking to until Don gave a loud, irritated huff and despite it being around five thirty a.m, marched off to his room, muttering irately and sleepily to himself. There was no argueing with the sai-wielding turtle really.

"And you can go down to the store and get us some groceries whilst it's still dark, if you think you can manage it," Raph added dryly as a dig at his baby brother's laziness.

"Fook off!" Mike cried, scandalised. "I'm not supposed to do any strenuous exercise, I'm still recovering remember!"

"Yeah ya say that now, I saw ya runnin' around like a maniac yesterday when Teen Titans was on. Now get going before it gets too light, there's a sale on," Raph smirked widely as his brother huffed.

"Alright then," And the orange turtle laid his bowl of pancake mix on the coffee table and held his hand out expectantly.

"What do you want?" Raph bemusedly snapped.

"Dosh, you tosspot!" Mike impatiently replied.

"I don't have any, I bought the groceries last time," The elder turtle snarled.

"Well I spent mine on Tekken 5 last week," Mike argued.

"Nice going shell-fer-brains! Don spent his getting his computer fixed when he couldn't get the parts," Raph threw his arms furiously up into the air and flung himself unceremoniously onto the couch.

"Well what about Leo?" Mikey suggested.

"I'm not askin' him 'n' I'm not goin' inter his room, might find heroin needles in his money box or somethin'," Raph spoke casually, almost uncaring, unaware of the effect it would have on the baby of the family.

"No you won't!" The boyish voice yelled back at him. Surprised, Raph turned on the sofa to face him.

"Yer what?"

"You _won't _find heroin, you won't, he's not like that," Mike whispered back at him, his voice distressed, throat tight and eyes burning.

"Look Mike, the guy's on 20mg, averaging three to four pills a day. At this rate, it won't be long before he'll be sticking three or four needles into himself every day!" Raph reasoned angrily. Sadly, it was the most truth he'd spoken all day. Sooner or later, the Valium will stop working its magic.

"HE WON'T! YOU DON'T KNOW HIM!" Mike screamed, tears streaming uncontrollably down his cheeks.

And he had seized his coat and hat and thundered out of the door before Raph barely had time to call out 'Don't forget the groceries!' and the door slammed forcefully shut.

Once outside, Mike wiped irately at his sore emerald eyes as he power walked wrathfully through the sewers, sloshing mercilessly through the dirty water. How on earth could Raphael say that?

He did not know Leo, he did not! Leo protested to drugs worse than any of them. When he had been ill or in pain, he preferred to suffer through it than take a couple of pills. He loathed the thought of becoming dependent on something.

Yet perhaps against his will, he had become dependent on two things he despised and could not control, cutting himself and drugs. Mike truly thought, hoped, Leo would not resort to something stronger, things were bad enough as they were.

He'd said Raphael didn't know Leonardo, but did Michelangelo himself know him? They'd never expected Leo to do any of those, and yet he had. Did they really know their brother as well as they'd hoped? He knew them so terribly well, perhaps better than they probably knew themselves, so wouldn't it be fair to return the favour?

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Leo closed his eyes impatiently and let the sweat dribble down from his forehead and drip off his chin to land with a ploosh on his plastron or the floor. The protective yellow muscle heaved up and down as he rested grudgingly.

He'd only been trying for perhaps two hours, but it felt like days. Still not as used to exercising as he'd like to be thanks to Donny's strict health measures, he let his roaring arms lower his swords and he coughed harshly as a result of not taking in sufficient oxygen.

He hated looking in a mirror now. As much as he loved the meaning of all his scars and he had a particular fondness for the three milky claw marks on his cheek, he hated their appearance. He looked like he had been thrown into a paper shredder (No pun intended) and pulled back out. And his weight was starting to repulse him. He didn't know how the shell he bore to live with his body mass when Splinter was alive. He was only gaining a few pounds after all those he had lost and it disgusted him.

He tried to remember the last time he had trained like this. He realised it was when Raphael had taken his swords because he'd been training too much whilst still recovering. That was only a month and a half ago. It took him a whole four weeks to regain the red turtle's trust.

**-Flashback-**

**He glanced around the room for some indication of the time. How long had he been in here? Three hours? Possibly four? He hadn't been counting; he'd been far too occupied.**

**He'd already revisited both gruesome nights for a good age. He was exhausted but could not stop reliving those memories. He knew them as if they happened mere seconds ago. He could never allow himself to forget.**

**He'd even sung that damned song, _Iris_, over and over in his overflowing, screaming head. Amazingly, it was still his favourite song, one of his reasons being because it obviously reminded him of Master Splinter. **

**He recounted the deaths in his mind, re-enacted them blow-by-blow. He even collapsed to the floor when the Shredder drugged him. He even thrust his arm out to deliver death to his Sensei then laid for what felt like ages as if lying on the rat's furry body.**

**He was so tired. The scratches on his cheek stung where he'd had to heatedly wipe the perspiration away and knocked off the protective crusty scabs so more sweat oozed into the open, bleeding cuts. And the three holes in his side and numerous other self-inflicted wounds had long since reopened. His bandages were no longer white but blood soaked.**

**He was in constant pain, but that was ok. He had been in both terrible physical and mental agony on those nights. There was blood and sweat dripping everywhere, but that was ok. There had been slippery puddles drowning the floor on both nights. Meandering through them was easy now; they were no longer a challenge.**

**He panted, finished with plunging his sword into the Shredder's heart for the thousandth time that evening for the time being and readied himself to delve back to the night Splinter died. He took deep, preparing breaths, beginning to see the streets of NYC and not the dojo, starting to hear roaring cars and late night summer parties and not the drip of sweaty blood hitting a surface or his own breathing.**

**Then the sound of the door creaking open and his red brother's chatting snapped him straight out of his memory. Raphael wasn't even looking at Leo. His body was in the dojo but his head was turned, talking to Donatello perhaps. Raph gave a hearty laugh then switched his attention to the dojo. **

**To see Leonardo. They stared at each other for what like hours, taking one another in. Leo wore a guilty expression whilst Raph looked murderous. They had trusted Leo to be sensible, and what he was doing now certainly didn't qualify as sensible.**

"**Put them pissin' swords away 'n' get your stupid fucked up in the head arse to Donny," Raph finally found his voice and it trembled with fury.**

"**Don't…cough…don't speak to me like that Raph, please," Leo's own voice, apart from being plagued by coughs again, was drained and pleading.**

"**Have you seen yourself, you complete and utter twat?" Raph snarled mercilessly. Leo closed his eyes impatiently then opened them again before replying.**

"**I…I don't care Raph. I need…I need to do this," He murmured.**

"**Need to…? Leo, for fuck's sake! Do I need to spell it out for you? Do I need to hang a pissin' sign on the dojo door?" Raph thundered. By now, Don and Mike had come to observe, just in case things got out of hand, notwithstanding Mikey still recuperating. **

"**I told you Raphael, I need to do this!" Leo repeated exasperatedly. Why wasn't his brother getting the picture? **

**Raph growled, he was really at his wits' end. Leo did not seem to understand the fact he was forbidden to train. What could Raph do? He'd tried everything. He eyed his brother's swords warily, heaving up and down in time to the eldest's panting body. Everything except…**

"**Leo, hand me those fuckin' swords," He demanded harshly.**

"**What?" Leo muttered, not sure whether he was hearing correctly as Don and Mike let out a gasp.**

"**I said, gimme the fuckin' swords!" Raph snapped. **

"**What for?" Leo instinctively gripped the hilts of his blades tighter, sapphire eyes ablaze.**

"**T'stop you hurtin' yaself even more!" Raph answered, chocolate eyes equally bright with anger. **

"**No! Raph you can't! I need to do this!" Leo cried, eyes burning.**

**What was Raphael trying to achieve by taking his swords? He needed them; they were the only things he had left. Everything started and would most likely finish with those damned swords. His self-harming had even begun with them.**

**Was that what Raphael meant? Did he think Leo had cut himself to shreds again and reopened all those wounds on purpose? Well Leo wasn't going to stand for it.**

"**You don't! You think you do but you don't. Gimme your swords 'n' you'll see you don't _need _t'do anythin' but sort yaself out 'n' get better!" Raph bellowed. **

"**You think I'm going to slice myself up or something, don't you?" Leo hissed venomously.**

**There was an awkward silence. Mike gulped so loud it was almost deafening. Raph and Leo stared at each other, glaring the other down. It was true.**

"**Leo, give me your fuckin' swords," Raph repeated lowly.**

"**NO! I'm not gonna do it Raph! I'm not gonna give them to you and I'm not gonna cut myself!" Leo yelled, distressed. **

"**GIVE THEM ME!" Raph roared furiously.**

"**You don't trust me, do you?" Leo whispered. Raph said nothing and Leo's eyes began to water and his throat grew tight. "Please Raph, tell me you trust me,"**

**Raphael wanted to say yes, but he couldn't. He wanted to hold his broken brother and comfort him, but he couldn't. He didn't trust him, and he didn't feel brave enough.**

**The tears started to stream down Leo's cheeks in torrents when his brother did not answer. His cheek throbbed horrendously. His brother didn't trust him. Why was he still standing there weeping?**

**He slung his swords tearfully at Raph's feet. There was a sickening clatter as the metal hit the floor. Then the leather sheathes followed. Leo let out a highly suppressed sob and stalked out of the room, leaving footprints of blood. Don followed to clean him up.**

**Raph slowly bent and wrapped his hands around the hilts of Rapid-fire and Quicksilver and stared at the silvery steel blades. He hadn't expected Leo to give them up so easily. But he realised discovering your brother didn't trust you was enough to make you give anything up.**

**Memories flashed hurtfully and he remembered a situation in which _he _held Leo's blades. He recalled the stormy, bloody night and the nauseating scent of copper. He let go of the swords as if they were white hot and his skin had melted.**

**Then he got a grip, seized them, sheathed them and gathered them up in his arms. He and Mike shared a quiet, worried look before he ventured off to find a hiding place for them without a word.**

**Leo's weeping echoed throughout the silent lair despite the effort he made to muffle it.**

**-End Flashback-**

Leo hated the memory. He just wanted to erase it from his mind, never to be brought up again. But that wasn't possible. Images like that were permanently etched onto your brain as a constant reminder, unless you have amnesia or repressed memories or something.

But Leo had neither, so therefore had to suffer through all the images he'd rather forget. Or did he? If he forgot, he'd also forget why he was punishing himself, and he most definitely did not want that.

_This _punishment was nowhere near bad enough. He wasn't feeling enough pain to begin repaying them for what they felt. But he was doing the best he could. He couldn't actually draw his swords on himself, that was forbidden. He was punishing himself as much as he physically could.

He considered going to wind Raphael up. When angered, Raph had a knack of bluntly speaking the truth, whether he meant to or not. Leo would be able to find out the horrible truth about himself, and cause himself a bit more pain.

But he didn't want to make Raph feel guilty. It took a lot to do that, and Leo didn't even want to attempt it.

However Leo's opinion meant nothing, so he couldn't exactly do it himself. He hardly ever could make decisions whatsoever anymore. He was losing all sense of direction, slowly drifting off into limbo. All he knew were the hard facts.

He needed three things to survive, his brothers, Valium and self-harming. He needed them shell of a lot more than they needed him. He was such a disgrace. He couldn't do anything right.

He suddenly found himself exhausted and staggered under the huge smash of fatigue that hammered onto him like an anvil. He just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

But I want never gets. He wouldn't get his eternal peace by standing around. He needed to get rid of his sins sooner or later. He didn't know how though.

Some humans went to confession, and talked about their sins to a priest. But he'd never been particularly religious, and didn't see how a priest could help any more than any other person, one of his brothers for example. Also, he didn't think just talking about them was going to get rid of your sins. He'd been trying to do that for two months, and it had gotten him nowhere.

Sighing, Leo made a step forwards, deciding to call it a day, even though he was nowhere near where he wanted to be. He yawned widely but still heard the approaching footsteps. He stared and watched, heart thumping, as the figure emerged into the dimly lit room and glared at him.

"Hiya Raph,"

To Be Continued

A.N: Yayness! Finished. ) OMG it's like 3.30am. Heh good job I can have a lie in tomorrow. See ya'll around guys and please review, I'll try not to leave the update so long I promise! Much luff to ya'll!


	5. Where The Hell Did I Think I Was?

A.N: Not too sure about this chapter actually. I like it, and I don't, if that makes sense lolness. I'll just have to see what you guys think, you all r00l after all. It originally started with the first half second and the second half first but I realised it didn't read right and swapped them hehe. Hope it's ok, I luff you!

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Five

Where The Hell Did I Think I Was?

The young woman irately unscrewed the silver cap to the clear glass bottle of amber liquid and raised it to her blood red lips. After draining it she flung it to the floor, where it shattered upon impact.

"What are you still doing here?" She snapped at the youth in the corner.

He was even younger than she was, late teens possibly. He was handsome, half American, half Japanese, but had an air of cruelty about his face. He hastily pulled his shirt over his head and grabbed his mask. He scampered out of his mistress' office before she could change her mind about her desires for him.

She watched him go with lidded eyes. He hadn't been brilliant, but a good way to pass the time. And it had cured his whims about quitting her service.

She gave a bitter laugh. Sex with the mistress, what a tale he could tell his jealous peers! She slid off the top of her desk and crossed to where she had slung her clothes.

Only a few of her subjects received the privilege to visit her alone in her office. She mainly chose all the top politicians. That way, if they betrayed her, she'd sell her story to the media. If one of her subjects betrayed or refused her, she would simply have them killed.

Akira Jackson hadn't refused. She called him upto her headquarters when she knew the news of his long-term girlfriend, Rebecca Evans' death had reached him. She had pretended to care, faked sympathy and he confided in her.

She had felt like killing him on the spot when he sheepishly admitted thinking of quitting and getting a 'proper job'. But she contained herself, and seemingly casually popped a couple of buttons on her shirt and calmly told him he didn't want to do that, otherwise he might experience painful consequences.

And that was where she threatened him with his life. Have sex with her or die, simple as that. The boy was not foolish, cruel but no fool. Although still terribly grieved over the loss of his partner, he had sex with his boss over the desk.

She was satisfied. She had stopped him leaving and going to the police before she could dispose of him personally, _and _received a little sexual contentment at the same time. He had his life, that was enough.

She slipped her trousers over her slender legs, thinking hard. She had never stopped thinking of that bastard. Despite what he'd done to her, he still fascinated her and she perhaps still loved him.

Yes, she still loved him even after he killed her father. Granted, her father had tried to kill him also, but she thought the young man in whom she had placed her heart had more compassion, more mercy that that. Apparently not.

They were total opposites of course. She was a wild, sexy, egotistical woman whilst he was shy, reserved and selfless. He was younger than her too, by a good few years. But she didn't care. She knew she could've turned him if she had the chance. She would change him to her liking so much no one would even know who he was anymore.

He'd told her he didn't feel the same way, but that meant nothing. She had let him go that night because she felt sorry for him. But not again. He would be hers, whether he liked it nor not. She didn't care whether he felt the same way or not. He would belong to her. She had her ways.

As she tied her kimono style tunic tight around herself, she pondered what she would do to him first once he was hers. It wouldn't take much to get him, he was already pretty much broken, and he just needed an extra little push.

The first thing she would probably do would be torture him so much emotionally and physically so he would do anything she said to rid himself of the pain. Therefore, she would avenge her father, and have him tend her every whim.

She always wondered what he'd be like away from their messy businesses. She laughed again, amusing herself briefly with the idea of him becoming just like her once he was hidden away from mocking eyes.

She flicked her dark hair out from where it was tucked into the back of her shirt and loosely tied it up. It was time for a work out. He constantly trained to make sure he was in shape, and she needed to match up if she wanted him for herself.

Ninjitsu was his life, but she wouldn't go that far. She had served under her father, and now she served him in his place. Ninjitsu merely helped her in this day and age. She could manage without it; it just made her job easier.

All she wanted to do in her life was avenge her father and destroy his enemies, but of course have as much fun and receive as much personal gain as possible along the way. And she must admit, despite her father's recent death, her life was going pretty well, and omitting the young man she had thrown her heart to, naturally.

She began her warm up to the pattering rain against the dark, one-way viewing windows. She loved this city, unlike her native Japan. Something was always going off here; back home it was so boring.

In NYC murderers awaited you in every alleyway, in every bar rapists awaited to spike your drink and steal your flower, street thugs awaited your money in the dark. It was all so dangerous, and so thrilling.

She adored the feeling of excitement and fear, mingling to make the tiny hairs on the nape of your neck rise and send your spine a-shiver.

You didn't get that in the meek little village in Kyoto, Japan. Everything was so tame and tedious. No one dared spike your drink or threaten you with a gun. Everyone knew their pleasant, dull neighbours. The cheery, fat housewives stopped you to say konnichi wa and tell you to pop in for tea and cakes because you were a tad on the thin side.

She loathed that. She'd always ignored her neighbours and gave the housewives a cold shoulder. She was probably the most interesting thing in that village, the odd ninja daughter of the top Japanese-American politician Oroku Saki. She was only respected because of him. The villagers only said good morning because of him.

She didn't care, only she wished she could have built up her own reputation. She had wanted to wield guns and spike drinks and sleep with all the neighbours in that stupid little village.

If she did that in her village or NYC whilst her father was alive, she'd be ruining _his _hard-earned, respected reputation. If she did that now he was dead, she would be ruining that reputation anyway. She had no choice but to grudgingly accept and hold up her father's position.

She didn't particularly miss him, nor did she hate him. 'Father' was just a word used to satisfy the gossipers. 'Heir' was probably more correct. 'Heir' had no annotations of love and family, which they certainly were not. He looked out for her because he needed someone to follow in his footsteps. She looked out for him because she needed a mentor and a roof over her head. Love never came into the equation.

She couldn't remember her real family, her biological family. She didn't care to. She had managed fine without them, she didn't need them. She just recalled being told Saki was to be her carer and that was it. She couldn't even recall her life before that; she had only been four or five.

She had had the best money could buy. She had fine clothes, the finest teachers, and Saki personally had tutored her in Ninjitsu. She didn't have friends, or a loving father. She lost her virginity at twelve.

She had been whipped for that when her father caught her. He told her she was lucky he didn't send her to a geisha house. She hadn't known then how terrible that would have been. The life of a geisha sounded glamorous to her, like a movie star.

Then when she was older she researched it, and realised a geisha was no movie star. For the first time in her life she was actually grateful. She was thankful her father was just uncaring towards her and not malicious.

And because of that she didn't care he was neglecting. She didn't care that she had no friends or that he didn't love her. She was lucky.

She didn't love her father, nor did she hate him. But she knew he definitely would not have approved of the youth she had given her heart to. They were, after all, supposed to be much-hated enemies.

But her father was dead now. Although she had to keep his esteemed status afloat, she didn't have to worry about him discovering her love. She could do what she wanted. And she would. She would get her love, no matter the costs. She always got what she wanted in the end.

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"'Lo Leo,"

Raphael's voice was as low as it could be, Leo only just heard it and even then he'd strained his ears. He knew he was in for it, he could tell just by his tone of voice. Did Raph feel this scared and ashamed every time Leo was about to berate him for coming home late?

"What brings you here?" Raph asked dryly.

"I'm allowed to train at least Raphael," Leo replied evenly, sliding his swords back into their sheathes.

"What do you mean 'at least'?" Raph snapped. His temper was wearing thin already.

He'd tried to avoid confrontations for his brother's sake but he guessed they'd gone too far without one. It greatly reminded him of the night he'd had to take Leo's swords and desperately wished it wouldn't come to something like that again.

"Well my Valium and self-harming are forbidden, are they not?" Leo questioned almost coldly.

"They're not _yours_, you don't control them and you very well know you don't, and they're not forbidden at all," Raph growled. He lounged lazily against the wall, twirling Liv idly in his hands, fingering her points.

"But you'd rather me not do them," Leo casually pointed out. Raph said nothing, only glared. His elder brother sighed wearily and continued. "And if I don't control them Raph, then who does? Or would you say _they _control _me_?" He posed carefully, eyeing Raph closely for his reaction.

The red turtle scowled. He hated the fact Leo knew him so well, he more or less knew what he, Raph, was thinking about the katana-wielding reptile. Yet Raph had no idea what Leo thought of _him_. He thought he hated him when they fought perhaps, but then he realised Leo could never genuinely hate anybody, not even probably Shredder or Karai. He always believed there was even the tiniest bit of good left in a person. After all, Yin and Yang, good cannot exist without evil and vice versa.

"It's an addiction Leo, of course they control you. It's come to the point where you panic if you haven't done one of them, and that's bad bro," Raph murmured solemnly.

"Tell me Raph, how do _you _calm yourself you're feeling rather angry or upset or whatever?" Leo requested softly. Raph frowned.

"You know what I do. I yell or hit the punch bag or go bust some P.D's," He shrugged, a little confused.

"And does it help?" Leo posed.

"Well, yeah, otherwise I wouldn't do it, would I?" Raph answered, still bemused.

"Exactly. Fighting and training don't help me like they do you bro, not like they used to. You're lucky. Self-harming and Valium help me," Leo explained, hoping he was getting his point across clearly, as he was tired and Raph was getting ticked off as usual.

"Yeah, but what if they stop workin' like trainin' did, and you have to move on to somethin' like heroin or cocaine or summat?" Raph spat.

"I promise I won't try heroin or cocaine Raphael, I'm not that type," Leo assured gently, sensing his brother's fear.

"Yeah? We also thought you weren't the self-harmin' or drug takin' type," Raph retorted hotly.

Leo stared and gulped. That was true, very true. But would he really move on to something stronger? He had never thought about the Valium not working before. He had thought nothing of increasing his pill intake when one was having little effect, but not of it having no effect whatsoever.

And it was hurting his brothers. He could feel Raphael and Donatello's genuine concern and Michelangelo's deep, deep fear. Hadn't he already hurt them enough in this lifetime? It was time to stop all this weakness, time to stop all this dependence and grab a hold of his life and set it back on track before it all spiralled out of reach.

"I…I have a real problem, don't I Raph?" He managed to stammer, fixing his brother with glassy, sapphire eyes.

"No shit Sherlock," Raph snorted.

"I've been stupid…and, and…selfish and…and…" Leo broke off, trembling visibly.

"Whoa there bruv, calm down will ya?" Raph frowned, tucking Liv back into his belt and taking a step towards his distressed brother.

"I never realised…Raph, I, I'm s…sorry, I…I d…didn't realise," Leo was gasping now, chest constricting, panic taking over like the euphoria Valium induced, only this wasn't fake and calming.

"Leo! For fuck's sake, calm down! Look at yerself ya great twat!" Raph grabbed his brother by the shoulders. Leo continued to rasp and shake and pay no attention whatsoever to Raphael.

"Don't h…hate me, Raph, I…I, I swear I did…didn't m…mean to, I, I…honest!" He pleaded desperately, gripping Raph's arms as the red turtle shook the blue turtle's shoulders.

"Leo!" Raph bellowed and shook him roughly but he carried on his panicky babbling.

Raph had no idea what to do. He'd never seen Leo act like this, not even when he had told him the truth about how Master Splinter died. Dare he go get Donny? But Leo was struggling to breathe. What if he came back and he'd stopped breathing altogether?

Think Raphael think! Leave him to get the expert or try to calm him down yourself? He'd have a shot at soothing him; he could call for Don later.

But what relieved him? What did he say earlier? Self-harming and Valium? But Donny had the Valium, and self-harming was just, well, wrong. But what choice did he have?

"Leo, cut yerself!"

"NO! I…I can't! I…I, you d…don't like it!" Leo was weeping now, which had a worse effect on his breathing. Raph finally realised what was happening. He was having a panic attack.

"Butcha need ter calm down! Just do it willya? Either that or calm down on yer own!"

"I can't Raph, you…you hate it," Leo sobbed, knees weakening.

Raph growled, frustrated. He forcefully pushed his panicking brother to the floor and tossed Liv wrathfully longest point first into the mat. It 'bdoinged', shaking, before coming to a deathly still halt.

"Do it!" Raph hissed.

Leo, his chest heaving, glanced at the sai stuck in the mat then stared tearfully at his brother's hardened face. Trembling, he reached out and yanked the weapon out of the plastic and foam.

Raph watched, his eyes reduced to slits, as Leo clumsily and desperately clawed at the support around his wrists, transferring the sai from hand to hand for easy access. He gulped, his heart felt like it was stuck in his throat like some abnormally large bite of pizza.

Goosebumps fought their way to the surface as he watched Leo pierce the jade coloured flesh on one wrist. He involuntarily shivered as blood instantly welled over the sides of the cut his brother was creating. It sickened him, watching his brother do that to himself.

The effects were almost instantaneous. Leo's erratic breathing softened to something more stable. Raph could already see fresh, sore cuts underneath the new one. That merely proved all this was in his brother's head.

Leo pulled the tip of the sai from his wrist and tossed it behind him. Blood splattered onto the plastic coated mat. He held his face in his hands and wept, wept for innocence and peace and love. Blood dribbled down his bare arm, getting lost in the dried scarlet mountains of his other cuts.

Raph sighed, knelt and cradled his brother in his arms. Leo flung his own arms around Raph's smooth, greeny brown shell and held on for dear life, burying his face in his shoulder and allowing his tears to ooze down his plastron and biceps.

Raph rested his cheek against Leo's cranium, stroking the nape of his neck in an attempt to reassure him and avoid another panic attack. His eyes fell on to the sai on the floor.

The middle, longest point was covered with sticky scarlet stuff upto halfway down. That was Leo's blood, his brother's blood, the same blood that coursed through his veins. And now it was permanently stained onto the metal.

Yeah it was _stainless _steel, but that meant nothing. Although the juices would be gone physically, whenever Raphael looked at his precious weapon he would see it drowning in a sea of red. Shell, even if he heard its namesake mentioned, the beautiful Liv Tyler, he'd think of his brother's blood on _his _sai.

He glared at it, holding his quaking brother tighter. He would get Leo through this. He would make sure Leo never had to lift a sharp object to himself again. He wondered what the shell Leo thought of whenever he looked at his katanas or heard the song _Iris_. One thing was for sure, it couldn't be good.

Raph had heard him play that damned song too many times. He hated it as much as Leo loved it. The words just carried far too much meaning for him. _I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand_. Now that one was just plain obvious. _You bleed just to know you're alive_. That one was the story of Leo's life.

Now that he thought about it, all of Leo's songs had very powerful meanings. The eldest wouldn't listen to lyrics that didn't have a story behind them. He liked those that explored the very depths of one's soul.

Raph sighed once more. Leo's sobbing was drawing to a minimum. The red brother could feel the warm blood dripping onto _his _skin, but he would stay there for as long as Leo needed him to.

"You have a problem bruv, a _big _problem. But we'll get you through it. I promise you we will,"

To Be Continued

A.N: Finally! I started typing this thing like hours ago. Oh well, least it's finished. Hope ya liked!


	6. I Take These Things So I Don't Feel

A.N: Mmm c00kie…lolness sorry. Can't think of anything to say except for thanks loads for the reviews, you rock and enjoy the chapter!

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Six

I Take These Things So I Don't Feel

"Did you ask him about Shredder?"  
"Did I fuck. Trust me Don, he was in no state to be interrogated,"

"What do you mean?"  
"Whaddya mean whaddya mean?"

Don sighed at his brother's reluctance to help. It was morning the next day and Donatello and Raphael were in the kitchen, the brainy one brooding over his laptop and the rebellious one brooding over a mug of coffee.

Leo had slept most of yesterday off, the tears and mental exhaustion totally wearing him out. Nothing more past 'You want some Chinese?' and 'Yeah, I could really go for some right now' were said between them and Raphael.

He'd hardly been out of Don's peripheral vision either. When he'd got panicky or frustrated, he'd sat, glaring at the television set. It hadn't been officially declared but he knew he wouldn't be allowed any pills after taking some and cutting himself twice only yesterday.

But of course, glaring at the television set didn't help one iota. He'd been suffering withdrawal too. He cursed himself and the urge to punish himself grew stronger after Don explained about the cramps and fevers etc.

He'd re-adapted to his arts like a duck to water. Paintings and poems and sketches and songs streamed out of his fingers in a storm of feelings. They certainly helped a great deal more than the blank TV.

He was determined now to get off the Valium. Raph had opened his eyes and made him see just how much he had been hurting his brothers, especially poor and pure little Mikey. Once the dude got home from April's, Leo intended to make a huge, fluffy apology.

After his tearful little episode yesterday, the baby of the family had retreated to April and Casey's for the night. He had really taken a strong fondness for baby Raven and often babysat.

Raven herself, despite only being two months old, seemed to have accepted her mutated 'uncles' with great love, particularly Leonardo. Whenever she set her wide light blue eyes on him, she'd let out a longing wail and reach out for him. She wouldn't shut up and settle until he held her either.

Mike had looked after the little monster last night to give their human friends a break. By the time they had returned home, it was early in the morning and far too late for Mike to come traipsing back to the lair. So Casey had offered to drive him home in the morning.

Leo had won his bet with Mike about how long it would take Raph to soften towards the baby. Raphael just couldn't resist that angelic face, no matter how hard he'd tried. It had been extremely funny to see his expression when he looked at her properly for the first time.

"I mean why wasn't he in a fit state to be answering questions?" Don posed tiredly.

It was Raph's turn to sigh and he reluctantly recalled the conversation he had with Leo the day before. He hadn't had chance to relay what had happened yet. After Leo had calmed down yesterday, Raphael gladly handed charge of him over to Don when he woke up and went out to clear his head. Leo had obviously not mentioned a word of it, for reasons unknown.

Leo had joined them halfway through Raph's tale. He leant against the counter in silence, nursing a heaven-fumed warm mug of green tea. Thankfully all his familiar habits hadn't been lost.

"And then I promised ya we'd get ya through it, didn't I bro?" Raph finished, looking at his elder brother for confirmation. Leo merely nodded, his face impassive as he breathed in the steam from his mug.

"And we will Leo, you can be sure of that," Don smiled comfortingly at the eldest and got up to put his mug in the sink. "How're you feeling this morning?"

Leo simply shrugged, glaring at the paint stained on his hands. Don knew what the body language meant. He wasn't feeling particularly well but preferred not to admit it. Donny also knew how much Leo was loathing the withdrawal he was suffering. It proved to Leo he really was depending on them a bit too much, but at least it was bearable.

"I could give you a painkiller Leo but I'm not sure how effective that will be, and we don't want you getting reliant on those either, do we?" Don sighed, giving Leo a sympathetic look.

The blue turtle's hands gripped the mug rather tightly, so tight he shook. He couldn't explain where it came from, he didn't know. He felt the anger bubble like boiling water and it wasn't going to relax any time soon.

"Are you saying that I'm going to get addicted to anything now Donny?" He snapped furiously.

Donny almost took a step back. He and Raphael stared at the wrathful expression on Leo's young but wise face. Had that really burst from his mouth?

"No, Leo, you know I don't think that," Don replied soothingly, reaching out to squeeze said brother's shoulder. Leo's look of antagonism instantly morphed into one of shame.

"I…I'm sorry Donatello, that…that was wrong of me," He murmured, looking down and blushing a little.

"It's ok Leo, I know that was the withdrawal talking and not you," Don reassured him, still smiling comfortingly.

"That's no excuse Donny," Leo mumbled. Don sighed once more and gave it up as a job badly done.

Leo shook his head as if it would escape Raphael's uncomfortable glare and delicately sipped his tea. Guilt and shame were feelings that were gradually becoming more and more familiar to him, perhaps even more so than love and admiration.

He felt guilty and ashamed of everything, even things that weren't necessarily under his control, Keiji and Rebecca Evans' deaths for example. But he felt they were his fault. His whole life was full of what ifs.

He didn't know why he did not want to tell his brothers about witnessing Miss Evans' murder. He didn't think they'd understand, especially Raph. All they ever told him these days was that he didn't carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, and no one expected him to.

But if he didn't, who would?

No, Leo needed to focus on other people's dilemmas, it distracted him from his own. He supposed that was why arts and drama were so appealing to him, because he could escape from _his _problems, and not be lonely, treacherous weak Leonardo anymore. He could just lose himself.

He ignored the cramping in his stomach and took another gulp of tea. It wasn't helping his fever any but he didn't care one jot. It was his own fault; he'd brought it upon himself. If he hadn't become too dependent on Valium, he wouldn't be in this messy predicament.

He licked his lips and swilled the dregs around in his mug, amusing himself slightly by reading the tealeaves. Master Splinter had shown him how before he died but he'd never took it too sincerely. He almost laughed, as one particular lumpy dark green blob resembled the Grim from Harry Potter. He seriously doubted his death would pounce upon him within minutes however.

His head lifted to the sound of the front door creaking open and closed. He smiled. Mikey was home. As soon as the baby brother stepped foot into the kitchen, Leo intended to glomp him in one huge hug.

"Bros?" Mike called out cautiously from the hallway.

"We're in the kitchen Mikey," Donny replied, taking Leo's empty mug.

Mike slowly disposed of his wet coat and hat, dumping them unceremoniously into a sopping heap on the floor by the door. He didn't care; they were unimportant compared to what he had to do. He gulped.

With trembling fingers, he took out his shell cell from his belt, flipped it open and fumbled with the buttons as he walked towards the kitchen. He held up a shaking hand to halt his eldest brother as he took a step towards him.

"Hold up there bro. I gots somethin' I think you might wanna see," He winced, holding up his phone.

Everyone crowded around the small device. Donny had recently installed a photo apparatus, much to Mikey's delight. Don had insisted it was for safety and evidence reasons but everyone knew he was eagerly snapping pictures on the thing too.

Raphael and Donatello paled considerably at the image then hurriedly glanced to see their elder brother's reaction. The colour left Leo's cheeks, whatever there was of it anyway. His expression was emotionless and blank but his sapphire eyes sheltered shock and melancholy.

His face hardened with a strong determination. He locked eyes with Mike for a split second then steely marched towards the door. He seized Mikey's drenched outfit, put it on and stalked outside. The door slammed noisily shut.

Raph instantly made to follow him but Don grabbed his arm. Mikey slowly, dejectedly, flicked down the top half of his phone and hurriedly tucked it into its pouch. Raph growled and snatched himself out of his brother's grip.

"You know he's gonna go cut himself," He snapped, leaning on the counter and glaring at the wall, his shell turned to his brothers.

"I know Raph but how would you feel if that was your name?" Don sighed.

"I w'u'n't care! It's just a bloody coincidence, it's not like it means anythin'!" Raph huffed irritably. He tensed as a pair of arms snaked their way around his middle and a head leant against his shoulder.

"He's not gonna do anythin' stupid Raph, I just know he isn't," Mike's voice came from somewhere near Raph's ear.

"Yeah? How?" He snarled, his knuckles whitening as he clutched the counter harder.

"Before I showed you that photo. I could just see how sorry he was. He knows what a dumbass he's been and wants to make it right," Mike explained, hugging his brother.

Raph sighed and relaxed. Mike was right. They could trust Leo now, he was regaining control. Raph squeezed one of Mike's hands resting on his plastron and Don joined.

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"Put the TV on Casey," April Jones requested of her husband.

Casey, who was generally not the brightest bulb in the box and was the brawn to her brains, displayed a moment of rare intelligence and instantly obeyed. His wife was opinionated and fiery at the best times and recently becoming a mother had not helped her blazing temper or stress levels any.

He moved his empty plate from the cushion beside him and placed it on the coffee table with a clink. He pressed the red on/off button on the remote control as April sat down next to him, baby Raven and a warm bottle of milk in her arms.

The television flickered and burst into life. The news channel with the prim and proper reporter appeared on screen. Casey made to flip over the programme, totally uninterested in today's news.

"No wait Casey, there might be more on that murder," April mumbled, feeding Raven the milk.

Casey shrugged and put the remote down. They watched in silence save for their daughter's suckling and the news lady's monotonous voice. At first she droned on about the current president sleeping with an unnamed female politician and key donator to the city's funds. Then:-

"And in other news, another murder has plagued the streets-"

April gasped.

"An anonymous citizen came across the double killing at around five a.m this morning on an early morning workout run. The victims were one female and one male, both unidentified at the moment,"

The reporter went on to describe the place of the offence looked like and how police still had no clues or suspects. But then she explained more.

April and Casey stared at the television. His mouth fell open at the image of the crime scene and April let out a cry of horror. She hastily but gently handed the baby over to her husband and snatched the phone from its cradle.

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"Saki Karai dried her wet hands with a small blue towel and turned her attention back to Hun, the human mountain who was just as solid. She eyed him carefully and tossed the towel aside.

"You are serious?" She questioned, easing herself behind her desk.

"Yes ma'am, it is being reported by the media as we speak," He replied in his rumbling tone.

"Hm. This cannot be overlooked. One does not interfere with the business of the Foot Clan and gets away with it. Thank you Hun, you are dismissed," She waved her hand carelessly.

The behemoth bowed respectfully and hurriedly left before his mistress could change her mind. At least she didn't have as huge a temper as her father and kill the bearer of bad news. She waited until she knew whose fault the bad news was.

She pressed her fingertips together and fondly stared at the steel claw lying on its wooden rest on her tidy desk. It gleamed, recently cleaned. She smiled widely, despite the news.

She cared that someone dared mess with the Foot, but not that one of her subjects had been raped and killed. His girlfriend had been destroyed also, but not raped. Someone really wanted to make a point if they had to rape her loyal youth before murdering him. Either that or they just wanted some fun.

She was determined to make something of it. She was already busy enough with denying any sexual links with the president, (_Of course _she was having sex with the president of America, but no one else had to know that) without having to answer enquiries about her employees and their girlfriends.

She got to her feet and flexed her fingers. All this and everything with Leonardo were stressing her out. She'd already had something of a workout that morning but felt like something more. A simple hour in the dojo would suffice until she discovered who was behind all this.

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Where the shell was it? He needed to see it for himself. He needed proof. He wanted to believe it was just a coincidence. And couldn't. Someone was out to get him.

He knew innocents were going to get into trouble for this. But what could he do about it? He couldn't exactly give himself up as the cause of all this, could he? As much as he'd like to relieve himself of a little of the guilt, he couldn't. Another reason against his mutation.

Although his brothers were his world and he wouldn't change them for anything, even his life, he sometimes wished they were accepted into society. America liked to pride itself on being open minded and big on equality yet Leo knew if he stepped one foot in daylight without a disguise he'd be captured and hauled off to a dissection lab.

He desperately longed for a time where his appearance was not exactly the norm, but at least accepted and befriended. He longed for more friendship, craved love and attention.

But he didn't expect it. He knew with his line of work, his life was most likely not going to last seventy years, and he didn't think the world was going to accept mutants in that time.

To be honest, he didn't want to die of old age, drawn out like too little butter scraped and scrimped over too much bread. He wanted to die for a reason, for honour.

He upturned his head towards the gloomy, stormy sky as he pelted across the rooftops in the pouring rain. He wanted to shed his hat and coat and sprint naked for all he was worth. He wanted to lose himself.

But he needed to find that first. He couldn't stumble upon it. The picture didn't determine exactly where it was taken. He had a vague idea but that was all. Mikey hadn't said.

He couldn't believe it when he saw the photo. He wanted to think it was just chance, wasn't meant for him at all, but couldn't. It just didn't add up that way. Things never turned out the way he wanted them to. It was the old turtle luck working true to form.

Leo shivered almost pleasantly as the slate grey rain drizzled down onto his jade coloured skin like tears. He always wondered if raindrops were the tears of the heartbroken. It certainly sounded heart-wrenchingly romantic. He'd have to write a song or paint something to explore the idea.

Looking back down to surface instead of the clouded sky, he frowned. Dozens of humans were crammed into one alley but held back from the end by what looked like police officers. Cameras snapped and flashed and the buzz of conversation drowned out the grumble of city streets.

That was it. He leapt over the gaps in dull buildings with pure ease, moving in and out of the shadows as if they were daylight and his life depended on it, which it did. He avoided camera flashes and streams of watery, weak sunlight like shuriken until he reached the desired rooftop.

He grimaced as he peered over the edge in the shadow of a towering water cooler. What did gazing over a rooftop in the rain right now remind you of? The only difference was the time of day. This time, he didn't have the friendship of night, but the hatred of day.

He squinted into the hubbub and almost let out a whimper of terror. Only shock kept the noise secured in the base of his throat. His eyes burned and the accident he hoped for was blown apart.

Through the uniformed sentry of policemen and clicks of paparazzi and swarms of nosy NYC residents was a seemingly normal alleyway with seas and oceans of litter and squeaks of rats. The grubby brick was its usual ruddy brown colour and rain pounded the tarmac floor.

The end of they alley was cordoned off bright yellow and black police tape. The bodies had been moved and the blood had almost washed away. The whole place still stunk of copper but it was mingled with bleach.

Voices rumbled and people yelled, trying to get a comment to exaggerate for their particular newspaper. Leo's breath quickened and he had the mad urge to scream long and loud. Who could do such a thing?

No one seemed to care it was a double murder scene, or a male rape scene for that matter. But Leo cared, he cared a big deal. Who was out to get him? Who wanted to break him? He didn't need any help.

On the brick wall, right at the far wall, directly above the place the bodies had been slumped carelessly, a name had been scrawled. Untidily, and with what disturbingly looked and smelt like blood. That name was Leonardo.

To Be Continued

A.N: Sorry this is a day late, I got sidetracked lol. You know what, I'm not sure whether to raise the rating or not. It's getting a little graphic isn't it? What do you think? Please read and review guys and until next week, much luff!


	7. My Head's Been Filled With Doubt

A.N: Terribly sorry this is late, usual excuse; sorry it's getting old. Ugh sorry if this is riddled with grammar and spelling errors, I'm tired and ill. But anywayz, I hope you enjoy.

Writing on the Wall

Chapter Seven

My Head's Been Filled With Doubt

"This is all bullshit you know,"

"I'm not looking at the music!"

"Then what are you lookin' at, brainiac?"

"Shut up Mikey,"

"You shut up Raphie-L!"

"You'd better shut your trap girlie before I shut it for you!"

"I'm not a girl! And _you _shut up!"

"Why don't you _both _shut up!"

Mikey and Raphael glanced uneasily at one another when their brainy brother snapped at them, despite their spat. Donny's temper had been on a tightrope recently from 'counselling' their elder brother, and the hothead and the prankster's squabbling didn't help matters any.

Don had been rummaging around under Leo's bed for a good ten minutes. Thankfully, Leo had cleaned his room up after his little 'episode' the other day. Don hated cleaning anything up since having to bleach the kitchen after Leo and Mikey's bloodbath, and who could blame him? Whenever any of them walked in there without preparing themselves, they couldn't help but shudder, imagining the dripping walls.

"What're you looking for?" Raph dared venture. "Pills? Razors? Needles? What?"

"A poem I found once," Don answered shortly.

"Why?" Mike asked bravely, curiously picking up one of Leo's c.ds and examining the song list on the back of the cover.

"Because it was interesting," Donny shrugged, opening a c.d case. It contained just a c.d and the cover so he closed it, tossed it aside and tried another.

"Interesting?" Mike repeated doubtfully. Don sighed.

"Leo doesn't like talking about himself Mikey, in fact he hates it. Sometimes the only way we can understand him a little is by his poetry and art," He explained.

"You mean like that painting over there?" Raph said darkly, indicating the canvas half hidden behind the crate used as a bedside table. Donny barely even glanced at it.

It was an abstract piece, about a3 in size, roughly 17" by 24". There were only two colours on the whole canvas, a dark, blood red and a metallic silver. The paint itself was textured, giving you the urge to run your fingers across it. It was mostly scarlet, varying in shade and depth depending on its position, with flashes of silver.

"I've already figured that one out," Don waved his hand dismissively.

"You have?" Mike stared at the picture in confusion. Raph merely scowled and Don continued to search.

"That's one of the simple ones. It's his katanas. See the bits of silver? They're the blades," He shrugged.

"And the red is the blood?" Raph asked quietly. Don only nodded.

They sat in silence for a while Mikey flicking through one of the many sketchbooks. Raph noiselessly scoffed at the c.ds and Donny still investigated everything. So naturally they jumped five miles out of their skin when the front door opened and closed.

"Guys, I'm home!" Leo's voice echoed throughout the lair.

The three younger brothers had never moved faster in their lives. Except when Leo and Master Splinter had almost caught them looking at Playboy on Don's computer of course. Mike dashed out to stall their elder brother whilst the other two hurriedly and clumsily put everything back in its place before rushing to their rooms for an alibi.

"Heya Leo! Where ya been?" Mike asked cheerfully, bouncing around the place as Leo undressed.

"Just to where you took your picture," The eldest turtle shrugged. Mike's expression changed to serious in an instance.

"And?" He probed.

"And nothing. Coincidence," Leo said submissively. Mike raised an eye ridge, suspicious, but didn't interfere anymore.

Leo smiled mentally as Mike's solemn mood vanished as quickly as it came. He couldn't tell his brothers he didn't think it was mere chance his name was scrawled across the wall like some child's mischievous scribbling. Don enjoyed solving mysteries, he didn't need another clue.

But who could be the murderer? Stockman? No, killing people like that didn't seem to be on his intellectual level. Hun? He was too big and not ninja enough to leave any clues. Karai? She wouldn't kill without a reason, she wasn't like her father. Leo was stumped.

But he wasn't sure if he even wanted to solve this mystery. It was getting too horrific and too personal. It was hard for him to resist the challenge. Unlike his brother, he wasn't too good with mysteries.

He knew Don would be eagerly trying to solve this one. The media was already dubbing the culprit the 'New York Ripper'. The original Yorkshire Riper killed women in gruesome ways too, favouring tearing out female organs. He liked to strike at night too, drowning the streets in sticky blood. The only difference was this new Ripper liked to rape and kill male victims too.

He gave an involuntarily shudder. Rape was more than terrible enough on its own, but rape and a double murder? If there were people in this world he truly hated, it was rapists and murderers. With a wry smile, he realised he belonged in one of those categories too.

But of course he hated himself. He supposed it was only natural for a person to dislike parts of themselves, like their legs or stomachs or whatever, but was it natural to completely one hundred per cent despise yourself? Maybe it was only murderers who hated themselves?

No, that can't be true. He didn't like himself much before Master Splinter's death either. His self-esteem had never been high, accepting every insult as truth and becoming selectively submissive to certain people. But at least everything he did, even every breath he swallowed, was for those he loved.

"Soooo, what d'ya want for lunch?" mike asked cheerily, snapping Leo out of his absorbing thoughts. The orange turtle bounded into the kitchen and Leo, following, was very much reminded of Tigger from the Hundred Acre Wood.

"Um…anything," Leo shrugged, crossing straight to the kettle and green tea.

"That's helpful," Mike snorted. Leo gave a weak grin.

Minutes of hush passed where Leo brewed his tea and Mike pondered what to prepare for lunch. The eldest turtle smiled triumphantly when loud music suddenly erupted from Raphael's room. He'd figured them out. Did they think he was stupid in his depressed state?

He wasn't angry with them. He knew he'd do the exact same thing; only _they'd_ probably be cross with him, especially Raph. But, it couldn't be dismissed. He didn't even know what they were looking for.

Taking his steaming cup of tea to warm up his cold, wet body, he journeyed to Don's lab; telling Raph to turn the music down and getting the usual 'fuck off' as a reply. He leant against the doorframe and calmly watched his second youngest brother tinker around with an invention a little too erratically for a few seconds.

"Find what you were looking for?" He asked casually, taking a sip of tea and observing Don over the rim of his mug.

"What? I…I don't know what you're talking about," He flustered, blushing red. Leo gave a laugh.

"It's ok Don, I know, I'm not angry," He smiled. Don put down his screwdriver and turned on his swivel chair to face his older brother. He had the decency to look ashamed.

"Sorry Leo. I just, I want to understand you," He admitted sheepishly.

"You can try to understand me without searching my room you know," Leo murmured, getting serious.

"I know Leo, but would you tell me all I wanted to know?" Don asked solemnly, already knowing the answer. Leo's eyes dropped to the green lake in his mug. "I didn't think so," Don smiled softly and sympathetically.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" Leo repeated quietly.

"No, no I didn't," Don answered just as inaudibly.

"What was it?" Leo looked up, curious.

"A poem," Don shrugged.

"Which one?" Leo raised an eye ridge.

"It…was about…death,"

"Don, a lot of my poetry is about death," Leo said gently.

"I…I know. Something about death is life," Don frowned, thinking hard.

"Life cycle," Leo said instantly. Don stared. "I threw that one away ages ago," Leo murmured.

"What? Why?" Don almost cried, scandalised.

"I didn't like it," Leo shrugged.

"Can you remember it?" Don wondered. Leo sighed and tried to lose himself in the jade rivers, so different to the usual crimson.

"Death is life,

Life is a struggle,

A struggle is for love,

Love is power,

Power is greed,

Greed is hate,

Hate is danger,

Danger is life,

Life is death,"

Don listened eagerly to every word. His voice sounded so drained, so fed up. It was a wonder how he memorised all his work. He'd probably written as much poetry as Don had created inventions, and the purple turtle sure as shell couldn't recall them all.

"Why don't you like it?" He asked eventually. Leo took a gulp of tea as if clearing his throat before replying.

"I don't like a lot of my stuff," He shrugged, still avoiding his brother's compassionate hazel eyes. He didn't want compassion, whether he needed it or not.

"You don't throw all of it away," Donny frowned.

"It depends what mood I'm in," Leo mumbled. Don raised an eye ridge yet again.

"Are you sure it's not because you want to throw away parts of _yourself_?" He questioned, a tad concerned and a tad curious.

"Don't shrink me Donny," Leo answered shortly.

"It seems somebody has to," His brother huffed in return. Leo merely shrugged.

They stood or sat with not a word said over the next few minutes as a result of Donny turning over the poem and this new piece of 'information' in his head and Leo choosing his next words very carefully.

"Donny, did you like Klunk?" He said eventually. Don's right eye ridge rose so high it was in danger of eloping to the top of his head.

"Of course I liked Klunk," He replied slowly. He wondered where on earth this was going.

Mikey's very intelligent and cheeky ginger tabby cat had died around three years ago. The poor thing had only been a year and a half old when he caught pneumonia. Having been abandoned in the freezing wet weather one Christmas, his immune system had been seriously weakened, just like Leo's had been when he was ambushed by the Foot aged fifteen.

Mikey had obviously been devastated. He really had adored his little kitty and he had been a fine cat. They'd all loved him, even the late Master Splinter. He had sat and meditated with the old rat and his eldest son, prowled topside with Raphael, disrupted the lab with Donatello and of course, created chaos in the kitchen with Michelangelo.

But as far as Donny knew, Leo didn't really get attached to things the way Mikey did. He hadn't been the one bringing snails and mice and stray birds home, begging to keep them. In fact, he'd been the one saying no. So what was he getting at now?

"Well…I've been thinking. I…kinda…I'd like a pet," Leo blushed deeply as if he'd just admitted to fancying Karai or something. Don stared.

Leo had been indeed thinking about it. He wanted to care for something, distract himself from his own problems and take responsibility for another living creature. And if he got an animal that was fairly independent, like a cat, he wouldn't have to worry about failing it so much.

Don however, knew the exact reason Leo wanted a pet. Leonardo was starting to feel unneeded. He was beginning to see his brothers were getting more and more independent. It had taken him long enough. And now he wanted something to rely on him, count on him for love and protection, he wanted to feel needed. If it were physically possible, Don wouldn't be surprised if Leo said he wanted a baby.

But Don wasn't sure. It almost sounded childish. Like a little boy asking his daddy if he was allowed a puppy dog for his birthday. And the brainy turtle didn't know whether Leo was emotionally stable for such a responsibility either.

"I don't know Leo, I'll have to think about it," Don sighed uncomfortably, watching his brother. Leo shrugged once more.

"I wasn't expecting a yes," He murmured, turned on his heel and went to his room.

Donny groaned and rubbed his nose frustratedly. He rolled across the room in his swivel chair from his work desk to the computer and pressed the on button with his toe. He stared at the starting screen blankly.

This was mental. Leo wanted a pet. He sounded like Mikey. Ugh, he needed a cup of coffee. A very _large _cup of coffee and the world's supply of aspirin. If he had hair, it'd be as white as snow. He sighed for like the millionth time and banged on the wall for Raph to turn that awful music down. All he got in return was a 'Fook off!' Typical.

Ignoring the messenger windows that popped up, he logged on to the Internet. It was no use worrying about Leo and his sudden urge for a pet now. There was nothing he could do at this moment in time; he'd have to talk it over with Raph and shock, horror, disaster, Mikey. He knew Mikey'd be ecstatic about the idea of having another family member but somehow he didn't think Raph'd be too agreeable. It had taken him a while to accept Klunk.

Nope, for now, he'd settle with exploring the recent murders. He really loved solving a good mystery and this was no exception. He already had a Word document full of Rebecca Evans' details, her background, where she was last sighted etcetera. He might as well type up ones for the newest losses.

As much as he and the NYPD and other mystery fanatics searched though, they couldn't find any clues as to who the murderer was. There were no witnesses (As far as they knew at least); no DNA left anywhere, no shreds of clothing or a possible weapon or anything.

Donatello knew however, innocents were going to get arrested for this, especially those without alibis called Leonardo. But somehow, Donny also didn't think the murderer was some dude called Leonardo. It was a pretty uncommon name. No, Leonardo had to be the name of a victim.

He seriously hoped it wasn't his brother Leonardo. They had far too many enemies to be sure though. It could be anyone. Leo was already depressed and stressed enough; he didn't need this on his case at the same time.

But there was always that chance it could be totally coincidence, right? The assassin could actually be some nutcase punk named Leonardo and nothing to do with his brother. Yet Donny knew that chance was too slim for him to get hopeful.

The bright orange flashing bars at the bottom of his screen were annoying him now so he clicked on them. One was this annoying chick that was adamant she was in love with him so he exited that one without a word. The next one, on the other hand, was April.

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: DONNY!

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: Um, hi April.

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: Where's Leo? Is he ok?

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: He's fine, why?

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: What do you mean WHY? Are you telling me you didn't see that double murder WITH LEO'S NAME WRITTEN IN BLOOD ON THAT WALL ON TV?

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: Oh. That.

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: Yes that stupid. So he's ok?

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: He seems ok. Not sure if it's an act or not though. He went out, looked for himself, then came back right as rain.

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: So there's no relapses or asking for pills or anything?

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: No relapses as far as I know. And the only thing he's asked me for is a pet.

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: A pet? Leo?

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: I know, it's absurd. But you know why he wants one though don't you?

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: Why?

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: Because he feels like he's not needed.

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: What a load of rubbish.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: I know. He just can't seem to accept the fact we love him and need him more than anything.

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: He'll realise it soon Don I promise you.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: Yeah maybe. Hey did you try ringing earlier? All I got was fizzing then it went dead.

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: Yeah. Casey cut through the phone line by accident.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: You have married a complete idiot.

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: Tell me about it. It's a good thing I find him cute. Ugh, do you want a baby? Raven won't shut up.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: Lol no thanks. Leo will though.

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: You really need to talk to him.

(Turtle) Donny (Turtle) says: I know. We really do need him.

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) says: I gotta go see to the baby Don. Take care, love you. Good luck with Leo.

(Rose)(Heart)(Kiss) April (Kiss)(Heart)(Rose) has signed off.

To Be Continued

A.N: There ya go, hope ya likied. I'll try not to take too long with the next chapter I promise. Night guys, luff you all, you r00l.


	8. It's Hard To Lead The Life You Choose

A.N: Sorry this is late, I've had three coursework deadlines this week plus my Drama and German speaking exam so I've been pretty busy. But school's out fir Easter for two weeks now so I have plenty of time to catch up. Well here's chapter eight guys!

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Eight

It's Hard To Lead The Life You Choose

Five days passed since Don and his brothers searched Leo's room. Don had dished out around seven pills of Valium altogether. There had been times where he had given the eldest pills without question. They had been when his brother had been so helpless with panic Don had no choice. But there had also been times he'd refused. He'd hated both situations.

It made him sick, watching Leo hyperventilate and tremble knowing he, Don, could stop it if he gave him one lousy pill, but he couldn't. Yet it also made him sick watching Leo gulp water desperately down with one, two, maybe three pills.

The nightmares were the worst. It sent shivers down anyone's spine just to hear those blood curdling screams. They sounded just like the ones he let slip during those dreams about Master Splinter. It made Donny suspicious.

Leo had hardly said a murmur about those murders. There had been five more in the last five days. All female. There had been no male murders since the guy who was raped. Don had written up profiles for the victims but he had the least information on that guy.

All the brainy turtle and the police knew about him was his name was Michael Clarke, he was unemployed and dating Michelle Livingstone, his fellow female victim, at the time of his death. He was twenty-nine. Nothing else could be found.

Everything was discovered about Michelle Livingstone from her dress size to her current job to whom she dated in high school. But hardly anything on Michael Clarke.

Don had files on the recent deaths too. All young women, the youngest fifteen and the eldest thirty-one. There were no links between them either, besides their sex. They weren't all waitresses, or Russian, or whatever. It seemed the murderer just liked to kill random women.

And Donatello had no leads, and neither did the police. He still suspected Leo knew more than he was letting on, but he wasn't getting anything out of him. Leo just didn't seem to want to talk about the New York Ripper and their dead. It was almost as if he didn't care.

So where did the nightmares come from? Something must have triggered them. Unless Leo was more upset about seeing his name on that wall than he expressed. Donny thought as much.

And, just as he predicted men with the first name of Leonardo were arrested if they had no alibi. Absurd blokes the cops had nicked too. It was obvious all these deaths had been done with a sword, and most of the suspects hardly had the stature.

One guy was so big, even lifting a sword would render him out of breath, let alone swing it and behead someone. Another man was so weedy, the moment he'd try to pick up a blade, his arms'd snap. And yet another was so old he could barely use a walking cane. And there were many more like these.

Don knew, and most other people with even hardly an ounce of common sense knew, the police were only arresting them to reassure the public something was being done. Shell, even Casey knew the police were in the wrong on this one.

Donny sighed. Life was not treating them good at this moment in time. You'd think with their father's murderer dead, they could be getting their lives back on track but no. Someone out there really didn't like them.

If only Leo could get better then everything would be great again. Ok, maybe not so much great because they still would not have Master Splinter with them, but at least it would be better than it was now.

He had been trying to think of ways to help Leonardo get back on course but had so far thought of nothing. The most obvious thing would be to get Master Splinter back, but let's not be stupid, that was impossible. So what could help?

Allowing his eyes to roam the oddly quiet main room, Donny's eyes fell upon a table against the far wall near the hearth. Set on its top was a round ash catcher, a packet of sage incense, a box of matches, a photograph of the brothers when they were toddlers, and Mike's Battle Nexus Trophy.

It had been four years since the youngest had won it. But he was no longer champion, a new Tournament was held last year. They had received an invite but declined, Master Splinter had died three days before.

Don wondered who the new champion was. Perhaps it was Usagi-san? They had not seen the dear old rabbit ninja for a good three years. His last visit had been when they were sixteen. Don certainly missed him company and he knew Leo most definitely did too. Maybe, just maybe, it was time to write their dear old friend Usagi-san a letter.

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Raph huffed and tossed the ancient shoe carelessly beside him. He then huffed again and threw aside the old videocassette he'd just pulled out. He was seriously pissed off and woe betide anyone who angered him anymore.

"A pet? A fuckin' pet? What is the _deal_?" He muttered irately to himself.

He sat back on his heels and pondered for a few moments. He was so cross; he'd forgotten what he was looking for. With a disgusted 'Fuck it' he gave it up as a bad job and climbed to his feet. He grabbed Liv and Halle, who had tossed onto his bed, and tucked them back into his belt.

How much more of a basket case could Leo get? First the self-harming, then the Valium and now this. A pet? A pet! What on earth was he thinking?

Raph had been furious when Donny told him the reasons why. Leo didn't feel needed. Bullshit! They needed Leo more than ever. He had been the one keeping the family together when Master Splinter died.

And yet they were losing him faster and faster as each day went by. The old Leo was becoming a distant memory, the new one a painful realisation. Raph would give anything, even his own life, for even the tiniest bit of the old Leo to return to them.

Donny had explained the old Leo may never return. Raphael hated that. The brainiest had said watching your own father die by your own sword was a big and traumatising thing without everything else piled on top of it, like Keiji and the Shredder and all these murders.

Any person weaker than Leo would have done something horrendous by now, like dived off a skyscraper or something. But not Leo, never Leo. Raph wondered why. What made Leo strong?

Raph knew it wasn't the self-harming or Valium. He also knew it wasn't his arts. So what was it? Was it he and his brothers? Are they what kept Leo strong? It sounded like a Leo thing. Raph'd have to ask him.

And no matter how hard Raph tried to place himself in Leo's bandana, he could not understand the guy. He was just far too complicated.

Getting livid again, Raph pulled Liv from his belt and glanced at her. He didn't see the silver blade in his mind's eye. Just blood. His brother's blood. _His _blood.

Raph shook his head. What did Leo get out of slicing his skin? Was it a sense of euphoria like his pills? Was it a calm nothingness? Did it genuinely free bad emotions? Raph wanted to know. He wanted to understand his brother and if this was how he had to do it then so be it.

He turned his left arm over and began untying the support. It fell to the floor, uncared for. He flexed his wrist, making the main vein stand out, disappear, then stand out again. He couldn't, could he? He could.

But he wouldn't. Not there at least. The risk was too high. He daren't, not with Liv at least. Something small, like a safety pin or something, but not Liv. He flipped his arm back over.

He took a deep breath, his heart hammering. There were no main veins or arteries here. He told himself he was _not _a self-harmer; he was doing it merely to understand his brother. After this, it would be it.

He pierced the green flesh near the back of his hand and began to drag it upwards. Pain engulfed him like an enormous freak fire. He gave a loud gasp, his eyes prickling, and yanked the blade out of his skin to toss it on the floor.

He cradled his burning arm, pulling faces with pain. Blood as scarlet as his bandana began to trickle through the welt and down his clenched fingers. It hurt, it hurt so much.

Was this what Leo felt Everytime he did it? This intense pain and guilt? If so, how on earth could he keep on doing it? This was just too much. He, Raph, was almost crying in pain. He'd have no choice but to call Donny soon for help.

One thing was for sure. It didn't help him understand his brother any further. He'd caused himself this pain for nothing. What an idiot! He should have known.

He couldn't hold it in any longer and soon found himself sobbing. He clutched and nursed his arm as salty tears fought their way from the corners of his chocolate eyes. They dripped down his chin and nose into his cut, making it flare up even more.

"Holy shit," He barely heard himself whisper.

But somehow he knew he wasn't crying from pain, no. Raphael wept, he wept for the loss of his elder brother that was bound to come soon, wept for Mikey and Don, and wept for his father and his love, something he would never have again in this lifetime.

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Mike got up to switch off the PS2 console. The screen flickered and died as he pressed the on/off button for the TV too. You could only play so much Grand Theft Auto before you got bored. Besides, he hadn't been really focussed on the game anyway.

He gave a grin at the thought of having another pet around the house as he collapsed onto his bed. He sure did miss Klunk. He'd wanted another cat ever since the ginger stray had died but he knew he wouldn't have been able to cope if another died.

But he'd grown up now and it wasn't just him who wanted another pet, it was Leo too. That sounded absurd though, Leo wanting a pet! It surely would be a sweet sight to see him with one.

Mike's grin vanished. Leo wanting a pet was _not _a good thing, no matter how cute it sounded. Donny had said it was because Leo felt like they didn't need him anymore, which was just a load of rubbish.

They _did_ need him, Mike especially. He was the baby, the one who needed comforting the most, the most innocent and easily troubled. They needed him more than ever, why couldn't he see that?

Mikey cursed himself as he felt his emerald eyes tear up. He couldn't cry! He was an adult now, of nineteen years of age. He needed to be strong like his brothers!

But they'd done a lot of crying lately too, even if they didn't like to admit it. Donny had cried yesterday when he told them about Leo and his sudden urge for a pet. Raph had cried the other day when he told them in more detail about giving Liv to Leo to cut himself.

And Leo? He had last cried when cutting himself with Raph's sai, as far as they knew anyway at least. They had a feeling he didn't cry in private either. Or if he did, he tried to hide it as much as possible.

Mike didn't like to see his brothers cry, just as much as he didn't like to see Master Splinter cry. And the old rat had. The one time he had that stuck in little Mike's mind was their eighteenth.

When Leo and Raph had started argueing about whose turn it was to have their head shoved into a bowl of jelly as was their birthday custom each year, (Raph said it was Mike's and Leo was adamant it was Raph's. It was of course Donny's but he'd preferred to let them figure that out on their own. Who was he to look a gift horse in the mouth?) and Master Splinter just started crying and laughing hysterically at the same time.

Raph and Leo had stopped argueing and Don and Mikey had stopped trying to wrestle the bowls of ice cream from their brothers' hands (Which they were going to throw at each other) to stare at the old rat.

He'd then explained how he never imagined he'd be there that day, celebrating his sons' eighteenth birthdays and how he expected at least one of them, most probably him, to be dead by then. That was where they'd enveloped him in a huge hug, telling him they had ages together yet.

But of course they had been wrong. They hadn't had ages together, barely a week, before he was cruelly snatched from their grasp.

Mikey had hated seeing his father cry. It had made the Sensei look so old and vulnerable, something they had never thought him as before. He was simply their father, they had never pictured him dying before it happened.

Leo had, however. Mike knew now why Leo had not cried with them when they shared that hug on their eighteenth. He was too busy preparing himself, was accepting the death sure to come before it had even been hinted at.

Mikey sighed and reached towards the picture frame on his bedside table. He stared at the photograph inside the wooden frame. April had taken it for them, long ago when their Sensei and Klunk were still alive.

Master Splinter had been sat in his armchair, smiling at the camera. Mikey had been at his knees, cradling his ginger tabby cat. Don had been half sat, half standing on the chair arm. Leo had leant against the top of the ragged but clean chair and Raph leant on his shoulder.

Mike felt the smooth glass underneath his fingers, gathering a little dust. He fingered the image of his master tearfully. He really missed him so much. His fingers then moved onto the slightly smiling form of Leonardo.

That was the _old _Leo, the one that was possibly lost forever. Mike'd lost his cat and his father and he didn't want to lose his older brother too. He vowed to never let go of what remained of the old Leo, no matter how much he slipped.

Mike clutched the picture to his plastron and wept.

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He scrubbed hard at the ink on his hands that looked eerily like blood. He scrubbed so hard his hands turned sore and pink. The ink wouldn't come off. It was staining his hands.

His hands were red enough to him! He didn't need scarlet ink stained them as a constant physical reminder, his mind was already doing it for him. Why did he even pick up the red ink anyway? He had thousands of bottles of ink in all colours, why did he choose red to write his Kanji?

He couldn't stop. The ink was beginning to fade to a dull pink but his hand wouldn't stop the forceful scouring. His skin was beginning to tear. But he couldn't stop.

Five more murders. Five more innocents' blood on his hands. That was why the ink wouldn't come off. If only he'd patrolled an hour earlier. If only he'd patrolled those areas. He could have saved those women. And the previous victims. He could have saved them all. He was such a loser.

Master Splinter, Keiji, the Shredder, Rebecca Evans, Michelle Livingstone, Michael Clarke, Kimiko Toriyama, Cosette White, Ariel Matthews, Olivia Ashman and Kaida Simpson. Seven females and four males. Eleven assassinations.

He had eleven murders' worth of blood on his hands. It was no wonder the ink wouldn't wash off. He was now scrubbing so hard, the harsh sponge material was cutting his palms. The ink was no longer ink.

His name had appeared on the wall behind every murder, along with a message. _I'll get you. Revenge will be sweet. Killed yourself yet? I know you're breaking. Your time will come. _

He knew they were meant for him. Who else could they be for? The police had already arrested all the suspects named Leonardo and it wasn't one of those. No, Leonardo must be a victim. _He _must be a victim.

He still hadn't figured out who it could be. He had too many enemies. And his time would come soon, he just knew it would. He hadn't mentioned it to his brothers, and who could blame him?

They hadn't spoken to him about the murders, only to each other, and for that, he was grateful. He didn't want to answer questions on theories and witnesses and whatever. He wanted to do this on his own.

He watched in morbid fascination as the water streamed red and splashed around the sink. He couldn't hear anything over the noise of water gushing out of the tap and his laboured breathing.

His stomach cramped and he felt sweat form on his upper lip. This only gave him the incentive to scrub harder, furious at the withdrawal he was suffering. He was pissed.

He vaguely heard someone behind the locked bathroom door but he didn't care. He needed to get rid of this ink! It looked as it was streaming out of his palms and smearing up the sides of the sink. His erratic shaking only succeeded in infuriating him even more.

Feeling enough was enough and maybe he should ask Donny for something to clean up the ink, he managed, with great willpower, to let go of the sponge. It was no longer dirty green. He covered the cold, steel tap with his hand and, clouding watery blood all over it at the same time, twisted it once, twice, three, four, five times.

But the cold-water tap would not cease its icy waterfall. If anything, it increased, erupting out of its steel cage in huge torrents, splattering against the basin and slopping over the sides. He did not realise he had merely turned the tap the wrong way.

Frantic, he pushed his palms against the opening of the tap, trying in vain to lessen the cascade. The voice outside had become more desperate and had even started thumping the door. But he did not hear it.

The constant high pressure of the water against his sore, torn palms was agony. He gave a loud cry and snatched his hands away. He watched, horrified, as the water continued to surge. It moved like the blood spurting out of Keiji and Rebecca Evans' necks when they were beheaded.

He tried again to stop the water flow with his hands to no avail. He and the voice outside were getting distraught. But he couldn't hear it due to the water and the constant, fraught screaming in his head.

He collapsed to his knees, chilling them on the cold tiles. His hands slid down the smooth sink, pulling at the ripped flaps and leaving bloody trails as a result of this. He began to weep, clutching the base of the sink for dear life.

His life was just turning upside down. Don and Raph and Mike had promised him it would get better but it was getting worse, much worse. He wanted it to end. He hated this punishment. He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

To Be Continued

A.N: Whoo all done! My hand hurts now lol. So tell me what ya think and I promise the next chapter won't be too late! Much luff!


	9. All Your Luck's Ran Out On You

A.N: Dunno what to put lolness. Just enjoy lol.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Nine

All Your Luck's Run Out On You

-Ten minutes earlier-

"Yo Don? You busy?"

Donny sighed; hearing Raph's slightly troubled voice, and placed his blue ballpoint pen onto the paper he was writing on. He then turned his full attention to Raphael. What he saw made him gasp loudly.

"Raph! What the shell!"

Raphael was clutching his left arm so tight he was in danger of cutting off its circulation. Scarlet blood welled up over and down his thick fingers, flowing down his arms through already dry mountains and dripping onto the floor. It was obviously giving him a lot of pain.

And then Donny saw Liv tucked into his belt, her longest point stained in the same crimson liquid upto about halfway down the cold steel. Don's face was thunderous.

"Raph, you didn't!" He cried, horror-struck.

"Yeah, yeah, I did, so what? You gonna help me or not?" Raph huffed, pain making him irritable.

Don shot to his feet and brutally shoved Raphael into his vacated chair. He began opening and slamming cupboard doors and cursing like a gangster as he searched for antiseptic and bandages.

"You're a fucking twat, you know that right?" He snapped, thrusting a bowl under a cold-water tap and turning on the faucet.

"Hey! Look, I have a justifiable reason!" Raph retorted hotly.

"When _is _there a justifiable reason for self-harming? Why'd you do it Raph, huh? Ain'tcha content with stressing me out and want to give me your fair share huh?" Donny argued, switching the tap off now the bowl was full to the brim. He snatched it up and thumped it carelessly onto his desk, slopping half of it over the sides, then continued searching for the other things he needed.

"Don't be a dickhead Donny! And it wasn't self-harm!" Raph retaliated, chocolate eyes flashing in anger Don could surprisingly match.

"Then what the fuck was it?" Don demanded.

He found his half full bottle of antiseptic fluid and a roll of clean bandages and tossed them onto the desk. He held out an impatient hand for Liv.

Raph reluctantly handed her over to his irate brother with his bloody, good hand. Don seized her and flung her carelessly into the sink, running the hot water tap over her. Steam began to rise as the scorching water hit the cold metal.

"Hey! I wouldn't do that to your bo!" Raph cried, scandalised.

"I wouldn't hurt myself with my bo!" Don pointed out heatedly as he dragged a chair upto his older brother and sat his cross form down.

"You've got the wrong idea!" Raph protested as Don began soaking some bandages in the warm water.

"What other ideas are there?" Donny asked, dabbing the antiseptic onto the white cloth. He seized Raph's arm roughly and mercilessly started cleaning out the cut.

"Bollocks!" Raph hissed, his arm jolting under the stinging pain.

There was something about Raph's expression that made all of Donatello's anger and frustration dissolve into a calm nothingness. Perhaps it was because after all the times the hot-headed rebel had tried to hide his pain and grief to appear strong, here he wasn't, he was openly suffering, and wearing his heart on his sleeve.

"Why'd you do it Raphael?" He asked softly, becoming gentler with his swipes as he wiped away the blood. It was beginning to clot thankfully. Raph sighed and looked away.

"I wanted to understand him. I wanted to know why he does it," He replied quietly, almost sheepishly.

"And the verdict?" Don questioned, laying the soggy wet bandage aside to pick up a clean, dry one.

"It hurts like fuckin' hell!" Raph answered passionately. Donny gave a quiet chuckle and began to tightly wind the material around the cut. "But seriously, I still don't have a clue where he's coming from," Raph shrugged defeatedly. It was Don's turn to sigh.

"I don't think any of us do," He finished wrapping the minor wound and tied it nice and tight.

"Don, what exactly is wrong with him?" Raph whispered, flexing his bandaged arm as Donny began clearing up his stuff. It took him a while to answer.

"Extreme depression, drug abuse, mild obsessive compulsive disorder and I'm beginning to suspect post traumatic stress disorder, unsurprisingly," He reeled off his list, his voice breaking several times, his eyes watering. He refused to look at Raph, instead stowing the bandages away in their box.

"OCD and PTSD?" Raph frowned, trying to think of their symptoms.

"Think about it Raph. He's obsessed with training and this whole murder thing. He feels if he doesn't train, or face up to the fact he killed Sensei, our lives will be in danger. Common OCD behaviour right there," Donny sighed yet again.

"And the PTSD?" Raph probed, getting up to retrieve and dry Liv, who was still in the sink.

"Those symptoms usually start to appear within three to six months after something distressing, like a rape, or natural disaster or something like the 9/11, or in our case, the death of a loved one, but they can also appear years later. Many people suffer mild PTSD. We did, when Sensei first died. We weren't sleeping, weren't eating, avoiding anything to do with him. But it went away after a month or so. That's mild PTSD," Donny explained, taking his seat before Raph once again. The brainy turtle had never seen the rebel listen so hard, drying his sai at the same time.

"And Leo's?" The red clad teen urged. Don rubbed his forehead tiredly.

"Chronic. That's the name given to those cases that haven't cleared up after three months or so. They suffer flashbacks and nightmares, become moody and violent, isolated, try to avoid anything related to the trauma. Some even go catatonic," He finished wearily.

"Leo in a nutshell more or less," Raph murmured. "Is it curable?" He posed urgently, leaning forwards despite his stinging arm.

"Pretty much. It usually takes a long time," Donny shrugged half-heartedly.

"Don't they always," Raph shook his head exasperatedly.

Donny opened his mouth to agree but loud thumping on an oak door and desperate yelling reached their ears. They glanced hurriedly, questioningly, worriedly at one another. It sounded so much like Mike.

"C'mon Leo, PLEASE! Open the damned door!" He pleaded, half sobbing, half weeping.

It was like a tornado. As one, they shot to their feet, Raph letting Liv clatter onto the desk, and bolted out of the laboratory. Mikey was hammering on the bathroom, begging with the person on the other side.

"What's going on?" Don asked as they approached.

"It's Leo! He's been in there half an hour! All I can hear is the water, he won't open the door, Donny, he won't open the door!" The youngest brother's voice was hysteric, tears running down his green flesh waterfalls.

Raph pushed the usually fun loving turtle aside, the older, overprotective brother side of him taking control. He tackled the door with the strong shoulder of his good arm. Mike jumped at the loud thud and the door shook but held. Growling in frustration, Raphael tried twice more.

There was a hideous splinter as the door's lock was torn from the wood itself. Donny winced; he knew he'd be the one who would have to fix that. But then the grimace turned into a shocked gasp.

The sink was overflowing. Steaming hot water was splashing over the sides of the basin and dripping down onto their big brother, burning his shoulders. But he didn't care, he knelt in a puddle of water, clutching the base of the sink, weeping. Blood was smeared all down the white porcelain, obviously coming from his hands.

Simultaneously, Mikey and Raph moved. Donny stayed where he was, watching, hopeless. Raph turned the tap off, noticing there was blood clouded there also. The water flow stopped and managed to chug down the drain, slopping no more over the sides.

Mike knelt in the warm puddle before his broken brother and reached towards him, going to take his sore hands. Leo flinched and withdrew against the wall, away from his brother.

Donny counted. One.

"C'mon bruv, get up! There's blood everywhere," Raph ordered impatiently. Leo hid his hands behind his shell.

Donny counted. Two.

Getting irritated now, Raphael bent to grab Leo's shoulder and drag him up by force. Images flashed and Leo yelped, imagining three sharp, steel prongs coming towards him and not his brother's hand.

Donny counted. Three.

Leo held his hands in front of his face to protect himself from the claw. The strong smell of copper from his bloody hands was thrust under his nose. He gasped and snatched them away.

Donny counted. Four.

"Leo! Snap out of it!" Raph demanded, giving him a stern shake.

Leo merely cowered, head hung low. He clutched his stomach, fighting the urge to cry out against the cramping it was doing. And he trembled.

Donny counted. Five.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to. I'm, I, I'm sorry, I swear, I'm sorry!" Leo wept, head turned away, eyes clenched shut in shame.

Donny counted. Six.

"What are you talking about bro?" Mikey frowned. He held a hand out to cup his cheek comfortingly. Leo leaned into his touch, eager for reassurance.

"For everything. For, for getting ink everywhere, for, for…" Leo broke off, listening and jumping uncontrollably at the slightest sound, the smallest of movements.

Donny counted. Seven.

"Ink?" Raph glanced around, confused. He could see plenty of things, but no ink. "Leo, that ain't…that ain't ink bro, it's bl-"

"NO! No, it's ink! I was…I was writing! It's ink! Ink…ink…" Leo argued, shaking his head so forcibly, his bandana tails danced.

"Leo! For fuck's sake! Get a grip!" Raph thundered, shaking him so hard his head lolled.

Leo looked at Raph as if seeing him for the first time. He narrowed his eyes at his brother, eyes sore and red. Raph's harsh expression softened and he let go of Leo's biceps, rubbing his stinging arm. Leo looked and frowned at it.

"Raph?" Was all he murmured, but the sai-wielding teen understood.

"Sometimes life deals you shit Leo," He shrugged. There was no way on this earth he was going to tell Leo what he'd done.

He just knew he wouldn't be able to handle it. Not because he wanted to be the only broken 'life is against me' brother in the family, but because _he _had caused Raphael to harm himself. It would just send him over the edge.

"Sometimes, you're dragged down to hell, and it spits you back out. Sometimes, you feel love's sweet kiss upon your lips, then it rips apart your heart. Sometimes, all you long for is a smile, and you get a knife in your spine. Sometimes, you reach out for your father, and he is snatched mercilessly from your grasp. Sometimes, you try to be honourable and do the right thing, and your very world is torn asunder. Life _is _shit Raphael," Leo's voice was emotionless, but his eyes were glassy, staring past his brothers into depths unknown.

Donny counted twice. Eight. Nine.

"Don't talk bollocks bruv," Raph huffed. Mike winced, how insensitive could Raph be?

"_You _stop talking bollocks!" Leo cried, glaring daggers at his rebel of a brother. Mike and Raph stared. "Tell me what the fuck you did to your arm Raphael!" The eldest screamed, eyes ablaze with a fierce, alien anger.

Donny counted. Ten.

"You wanna know Leo? Alright then, fine!" Raph shouted, jumping to his feet. He drew Halle from his belt with the air of going to war and brandished it in his brother's face. "I cut myself, ok? I got my other sai right, and I cut myself! You happy now?" He stormed. Mike's mouth dropped open. Don remained emotionless, merely watching.

Leo went rigid. He stopped trembling so fast, Raph wondered if he'd had a fit or something. The eldest stared blankly dead ahead, his eyes cold and unblinking. Tears stopped streaming down his cheeks. He didn't utter a sound.

Donny finished counting.

"Hell-oooooo? Leo?" Mike waved a hand in front of his brother's unseeing eyes. Raph's heart thumped nervously and his brow furrowed in confusion.

"He won't hear you Mike," Donny spoke for the first time, his voice quiet and tired. "He's gone catatonic," He whispered almost darkly.

Raph realised then Donny looked _drained_, not just tired but emotionally exhausted. He looked like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. Mike saw it too. If they weren't careful, Don could get just as depressed as Leo.

"What's…?" Mike gulped, scared. "What's that?"

"Catatonia comes in two forms. You either become hyperactive for no apparent reason, violent, noisy, restless and excited, or you just don't move at all, one hundred per cent rigid. You become mute, unresponsive to the world around you. You don't sleep, don't talk, eat, nothing. You just exist," Don explained dispassionately.

"It's not permanent is it?" Mike cried, frantic. Don shook his head.

"No, some episodes last a few minutes, sometimes hours, it varies," He shrugged. Mike gulped and looked back at his lifeless brother.

"What about Leo?" Raph asked quietly.

"I have no idea how long he'll be out. A cause for catatonia hasn't been found yet. It just happens. Leo has chronic PTSD Raph, I counted at least ten symptoms in these past few minutes," Donny sighed wearily.

Mike cupped both of Leo's cheeks, running his fingers over the milky claw scars. He turned his face to look him in the eyes, but Leo wouldn't look back. Leo wasn't there.

"C'mon bro, please," The baby pleaded tearfully. The appeal fell on deaf ears.

"What were they Don?" Raph asked gently. He had long since put Halle away in his belt and was starting to feel guilty.

"Fear and anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks, avoidance of things that remind him of everything, recollection of certain smells and sounds, substance abuse, guilt, hyper alertness, depression, negative views on life, anger. These are only a few," Don answered, just as softly.

Mike began to weep, calling for his brother desperately, beseeching him to come back. For whatever reason, Leo couldn't hear him. He gave no indication he knew of his surroundings whatsoever. Don and Raph said nothing. Neither of them knew what to say.

All three of them jumped half a mile out of their shells when someone's shell cell trilled throughout the lair from the coffee table in the living room. Mike looked hopefully at his brother to see if he had paid any attention to the phone. His face fell. Leo hadn't moved an inch.

"I'll get it. You two move him gently to his room. He'll move, it's called waxy flexibility, it's where he has no control over his body and it can be manipulated, so don't leave him in a position that will leave him sore, ok?" Donny waited for Raph and Mike's understanding nods before going to answer the phone. Mike had one more attempt at waking up his oldest brother.

"Leo, Raph has Playboy on the TV and won't turn it off!" He whined in his best baby brother voice, right in Leo's ear. Leo didn't even blink.

Mike's shoulders slumped and the tears threatened to spill once more. Raph sighed and crouched on his haunches. He reassuringly squeezed his baby brother's shoulder.

"It's going to be ok Mikey. Leo will be fine, I promise you that," He smiled comfortingly.

"This is all the Shredder's fault," Mike said bitterly, rubbing at his eyes. "Even when he's dead, he's a bastard,"

Raph nodded. _Maybe so, _He thought grimly, _but fate doesn't seem to be on our side. _He quickly dismissed his thoughts before he realised he was thinking quite philosophically. That was Leo's job!

Shaking his head, he began to unfold Leo's legs to get him out of his kneeling position so it would make picking him up easier. Surprisingly, they didn't resist and he managed to lay him down.

He slipped his bad arm under his knees and his good arm around his shell to heft him up bridal style. Leo merely stared straight ahead, not one bit reactive. He was so light now Raph could manage his weight no problem. His bad arm ached though.

"Go get some stuff to clean up his hands please Mike," He ordered softly. Mike instantly obeyed, rubbing furiously at his eyes.

Raph sighed and jiggled his brother into a more comfortable position. He began the short walk to Leo's room, looking deeply into Leo's glossy, lifeless sapphire eyes. Then he involuntarily shivered. It was like looking at a doll.

Severe depression, drug abuse, mild OCD and chronic PTSD. These conditions weren't to be laughed at, nor were they to be ignored. Now they had the diagnosis it was time for the treatment. Raph sighed, realising all of the above illnesses were mental ones.

"Casey, what's up?" Don asked the phone after flipping it open. To put it bluntly, Casey was a state.

"Put on your TV man!" The vigilante ordered, voice trembling.

"What? Why?" Don frowned.

"Just put it on man! Channel three!" Casey cried, running his fingers frantically through his long black hair.

Donny sighed and did as he was told. It was the news channel. Donny gasped as the reporter started describing another murder, courtesy of the New York Ripper. It was a single killing, again female.

Donny held his breath, waiting for the bloody message to be shown on the screen. When it did finally display the bloody wall with it's message, Don dropped his phone in pure fear.

_O'Neil is next…_

To Be Continued

A.N: Yay done! Hope ya likied, please read and review guys! Much luff as always!


	10. You Choke On The Regrets

A.N: Amazing where you can go in one single chapter, isn't it? Oh and by the way, I'm writing a short fic, a few chapters or so, another Leo centric angst heh but totally different to this. So look out for it soon. Hehe anyway, enjoy.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Ten

You Choke On The Regrets

Donatello sighed and took a large gulp of his coffee in his Star Wars mug before clinking it onto Leo's bedside crate. He winced and swallowed hastily as it burnt his mouth. He ignored the drink that had slopped over the sides and carried on wrapping Leo's left palm.

"Don, will you just chill?" Raph sighed exasperatedly, from putting all of Leo's many bottles of ink into their correct place in his calligraphy box.

"Chill? Chill? Hello? April's name is written on a wall in freakin' blood! How can I chill?" Don cried irately, tying the bandage a little tighter than necessary.

"Look, just relax. Leo's name's been on walls for almost a week now, 'n' nothin' 'appened t'him," Raph shrugged, voice of reason for once.

He stared at the bottle of scarlet ink with its top a few inches away. He picked up the pen and spots of red ink splattered onto the floor, looking eerily like blood. He gulped; there _had _been ink on his hands, before it had turned to blood. He shook his head guiltily and started attaching the plastic lid to its glass bottle.

"No, he's completely fine if you don't count severe depression, drug abuse, chronic PTSD, OCD and catatonia!" Don snapped sarcastically.

"They've got nothing to do with these murders and you know it!" Raph argued back, slotting the red ink into its compartment. Don sighed.

"Well the murders aren't helping, that's for sure," He murmured tiredly, rubbing his nose wearily. He felt the scratch of dried blood on them and glared at it.

"Mike should be back soon with April, Case ad Raven, will you stop worrying? She'll be fine, Leo'll be fine, you're just being paranoid," Raph shrugged, shoving the box of inks and pens and other such materials under the bed.

He sat back on his heels and looked at Leo's doll like face, frozen in shock and guilt. It was Raph's turn to sigh and gaze at him, his own shame nibbling at his insides. He shouldn't have said anything! He should've lied or not answered him at all!

"Paranoid?" Don repeated angrily. "I wake up every morning and come to check up on him and wonder if he'll still be here! I wonder if he's hung himself on one of the rafters. I wonder if he's plunged his katana straight through his chest. I wonder if I'll find an empty bottle of cyanide in his limp hand. I wonder if I'll find an empty bottle of pills by his lifeless body. I dread coming in here every morning Raph! Can you call that paranoia Raphael, can you?" He thundered, eyes burning as he scowled at his catatonic elder brother.

"Leo wouldn't do that!" Raph shouted back, facing Don from the other side of the bed, Leonardo the only thing in between them.

"Oh yeah? How do you know?" Donny challenged hotly, glaring at him with furious hazel eyes.

"I just know ok? He told me 'e wouldn't, 'n' I believe 'im!" Raph retorted, just as crossly.

"Don't be stupid Raphael! Stuff's changed! Thing's are getting worse despite everything we're trying!" Donny cried, his voice breaking.

"I'm not bein' stupid, you are! Depressed doctor doesn't suit you Donny, have some faith will you?" Raph yelled, fists clenched on top of Leo's bed.

He didn't like to admit it, but he probably had the most faith in Leo anyone could ever have in their elder brother. No one had more trust in him than Raph, except maybe Mikey.

Raphael was proud of his baby brother. A weaker person would have cracked under Leo's depressing state, but not Mikey. Sure there had been a few tears and a few reassuring words in doubtful times, but Mikey remained strong, the best, ever-cheerful, all joking rock Leo, and the rest, could ask to lean on.

"I'm not a doctor, that's the thing! I'm an engineer, a fucking engineer, Raph! There's a bit of a difference you know! I fix machines, not people!" Don corrected, indicating their motionless leader.

"Well I gotta say you're doin' a damn fine job so far!" Raph interrupted, pride and gratitude towards his genius of a brother shining through his voice, despite his fury.

"I haven't! If he could go into a hospital, he'd be better in no time. But it's been ages Raphael, and he's nowhere near better," Don protested, anger at himself evident as he scowled tearfully at Leo's unblinking sapphire eyes.

"Don, you've had no medical trainin' for fuck's sake! If we hadn't got you, Leo would've died all those years ago! He would've died after killing Shredder! Mike would've died that time! Shell, even _you _would've died fer sure when that experiment of yours blew up! Sure as shell I know I wish they had more fuckin' people like you on that screwed up surface!" Raph bellowed, impatient and frustrated. Why couldn't Don see how important he was to them? But then again, why couldn't Leo see that either?

Don merely looked up into Raph's blazing, defiant chocolate eyes, his own watering, his face full of self-doubt and need. Raph sighed and sat on the side of Leo's bed. Don sat the other side and with their elder brother in between them, they embraced tightly and Don began to cry once more.

"Go to bed bruv, you're exhausted," Raph suggest softly eventually.

Feeling slightly better after a few minutes spent with his temperamental brother, Donny withdrew somewhat reluctantly and wiped his sore red eyes. Somewhere deep inside him, he knew Raphael was right. He _had _done good!

He smiled widely through the tears and Raph knew he'd gotten through to his brainy brother. They all needed each other desperately, including Leo, despite the eldest's fears. He just couldn't see that at this moment in time.

There was a silence as Don climbed to his feet, stretched, squeezed Raphael's shoulder in a noiseless thank you, then went on his way. But then he paused at the doorway, one hand on the cold wooden doorway, and gave a quiet laugh. Raph raised an eye ridge.

"What?" He asked suspiciously, half sat, half kneeling on Leo's cushiony bed.

"I've just remembered another symptom of PTSD," Don chortled softly.

"Which is…?" Raph didn't know what to be, scared? Optimistic? He just didn't know.

"Decreased sexual activity," Don said with a cheeky grin. Raph stared for a few seconds, letting it sink in, and then started laughing.

"If Leo says anything about not having sex anymore, I'll let you know!" He chuckled and Don found himself laughing harder. It was just so un-Leo-like, and that's what made it funny.

"'Cause Leo is like, such a sex addict," Donny added and Raph snickered. It was stupid, but it gave them something to laugh about in that dark time. "Good night bruv," Don smiled, shaking his head. Raph wished him the same and he left him for slumber.

Raphael sighed; still giving a few little laughs minutes later. It was just one of those times, when everything seems so hopeless, that even the most stupid thing seemed hysterical. He looked down at Leo, half hoping him to look at him as if he was crazy and give him one of his famous lectures. But he didn't.

Raph stretched, smoothing out the kinks in his shoulders and emitting a little satisfied moan. He quickly left to grab a chair from the kitchen, moving swiftly so as not to leave the unofficial leader unattended for too long. He set it near Leo's bed, close to his head so he had the perfect watch.

He settled down into the hard chair, folded his arms and observed his brother, ready for a long sit. But after a few seconds he grew bored and looked around for something to do. What _was _there to do in Leo's room? Practically nothing for Raphael, that was for sure. He wasn't the painting/poetic/reading type. If Leo had a guitar however, he might be a little less bored.

Raph wondered if Leo would be as good on a guitar as he was at poetry or drawing. Music was an art to some degree and Leo had proven he was very artistic. Raph wondered why he continued to doubt himself; he had a proper role in the family now.

Well, he'd always had one; it just took a little time and effort discovering it. Depressed, self-harming leader didn't seem to fit in as well as an artist. Yet Raph knew Leo didn't think of himself as an artist, or even a depressed, self-harming leader. He thought more along the lines of the screwed-up failure.

The hotheaded rebel, the peace-making joker, the caring genius, and the murderous failure. That's how Leonardo saw the family. His brothers were determined to change that.

"Hey Raph," April greeted quietly, coming into Leo's room and standing just past the doorway at the foot of Leo's bed. Raph looked up from the old comic he was reading. He'd heard their guests come in with Mike a few minutes ago but he hadn't wanted to leave his brother for a second.

"Hey April," Raph replied just as softly, laying the comic on a pile by his feet and stretching. He didn't say it was a relief to see her safe and sound. He figured the least she was reminded of her death threat the better.

"How are ya? You look shattered," She smiled sympathetically. She tugged a little nervously on her baby-T shirt and perched herself on Leo's bed, near his waist.

"Ah'm fine, just worried ah guess," Raph shrugged, leaning forwards and resting his arms on his knees. He hadn't even bothered to get dressed that morning, not even his bandana.

"Catatonia isn't life threatening Raphael, if he's still out in a couple of days, I'll find you an IV, but he'll be fine, I promise," She comforted, reaching across Leo to squeeze his brother's hand. Raph gave a small smile back.

"Ah feel a little guilty though, ah mean, it happened just after I told him about cutting myself. I think it sent him overboard," He sighed.

"Mike told me about that, he confused me about why you did it though," She looked at him for an explanation. Raphael kept his irritation inside; they all thought his mental state was questionable too now.

"I did it to try 'n' understand him, nothin' else. I didn't do it 'cause I felt shit, or I thought it'd help, I just wanted t'understand him, that's all," He explained tiredly. April nodded in consideration. "Don believes me, but I'm not so sure about Mike," He admitted sorrowfully, watching Leo's doll like face. He rubbed the bandage on his arm shamefully.

"Oh he believes you Raph, that's certain, he's just scared," April reassured him, taking her hand from his.

"Well that's understandable!" Raph scoffed. April half expected something to be said about Mike being a crybaby, but she didn't get it. "He doesn't deserve this Ape. I'm surprised he's coped so well. Depression just isn't him, and when it's your brother…" He broke off and sighed before continuing. "I don't know. He's doin' so good…I don't want him goin' the same way,"

April didn't know what to say to that, so she said nothing. Raph was unintentionally sweet at times like this; they truly brought out the very best in him. He really and deeply loved his brothers. They were all he had. Yet April also knew Raphael, and Donatello and Michelangelo and especially Leonardo for that matter, secretly longed for someone more, like she had Casey.

Yet she also knew that might never happen. Let's face it; NYC was not full to the brim of people like Casey and herself. With a heavy heart, she realised their four mutant friends would grow old with nothing but their own company. And although they loved each other with all their hearts, brotherly love could only give you so much.

She sighed, moving her hand from her lap to caress Leo's warm cheek. Odd, she expected it to be cold. She let her fingers trace their way up to his forehead. Red hot. She frowned, did Raph know?

"Raph, Leo has a fever," She ventured to his bowed head. It snapped up and she could see his chocolate eyes were glassy with unshed tears.

"What? A fever?" He asked sharply. She nodded, guess he didn't know.

He checked for himself and snatched his hand away as if it had been burnt. Cursing, he left to get a damp cloth or something, anything. He was no doctor, but he knew he had to get that fever down, and fast.

A few minutes later, he was applying a wet tea towel full of ice to his brother's forehead. Hey, it was the only thing he could get his hands on. He half wished he were in the other room, watching a film with Casey and Mike and cradling baby Raven.

But he knew their minds weren't on the Star Wars movie on TV, but all over the place, on Leo, on April, on the murders, everything, just like his was.

He didn't know how he'd react if his name was on one of those walls, but he knew he wouldn't be acting like April was and how Leo had. He'd be scared and angry maybe, ok possibly more angry than scared but whatever his feelings might be, he knew he certainly wouldn't be calm and almost uncaring like those two.

But then again, it could just be a façade.

It sounded a little like April, putting on a mask to hide it from her frightened, dim-witted husband and to be strong for their child. Arnold Casey Jones probably should have been born blonde and therefore not the brightest bulb in the box, but he worshipped his wife and child more than anything.

And Leo? It didn't sound _like _him, it _was _him. His whole life had been about masks and hiding what he really felt, this was no different and hardly a challenge. But Raphael knew his brother, at least as best he could. He knew Leo was pretending, just like April Jones.

Raph had to bite back a snigger and April rolled her eyes as her cell phone began to vibrate then sing the cheesiest version of _Karma Chameleon_ by _The Culture Club_ he'd ever heard. Seeing as it was on the coffee table in the other room, Casey answered. They easily heard the conversation between Casey and his mother. Raph winced as April listened calmly.

"It's ok Ma, Ape's fine…No, we ain't at home, we're at…um…a friend's…She's in the…bathroom!…Yah, Rae's fine…We won't go out at night Ma…Yeah I'll tell her…g'bye,"

"His mother tends to overreact," April offered coolly. Raph nodded.

"She…uh…has a point though, I mean, with…_that_…happenin' 'nd…"

"Stop skirting around the subject Raph. You're telling me you actually believe that basket case is after _me_?" She gave something of a chuckle at Raph's stunned expression.

"Yeah but, no but-"

"Raph, there was to be hundreds of O'Neil's in New York, and my last name isn't even O'Neil anymore, it's Jones," She reassured softly. Raph nodded, convinced. Like Leo, she always managed to talk some sense into him.

"But…I know you're hidin' summat Ape," He added just as gently, looking up into her eyes. She sighed once more.

"I am scared," She admitted a little sheepishly, looking away into Leo's unblinking pools. It was kinda creepy, seeing him stare like that. "But not for me. For Casey, for Raven, for you guys," She watched the melted ice trickle through the fibres of Leo's home made compress.

"We'll be fine April, every single one of us," He smiled, echoing the comfort she had given him mere minutes ago.

They looked up as Casey entered, juggling his daughter in his muscular arms. Juggling was the only word to describe the way he was holding her, as she was restless and wouldn't settle, climbing all over his shoulders. She was lively to say how old she was.

"Hey babe, d'ya mind holding Rae for a bit? She won't settle down wi' me 'n' Mike," He grinned a little, but it was obvious it was faked, as he tried not to stare helplessly at Leonardo.

"Of course sweetheart," April agreed wearily, holding out her arms to accept their wriggling child.

"How are ya Case?" Raph asked placidly, looking up at his best friend from his seat.

"'M…" Casey paused and glanced uneasily at Leo. He was really shook up, poor guy. "'M fine, you?"

"Ah'm good. Ah'll be better when Fearless comes to his senses though," Raph let out a slow, worried breath, returning their gaze to the eldest. Casey nodded, shivering a little at Leo's frozen expression.

"Mam phoned April, she said you gotta ring her when you got a minute," He recited almost emotionlessly. Then he returned to the main room.

April sighed yet again, letting Raven get her way and clamber onto the bed. They watched in slight amusement as she prodded her motionless uncle, demanding his attention, then let out a grumble of frustration in the back of her throat she could have only picked up from Mikey when he didn't respond.

April made to seize her daughter as she started to climb clumsily onto Leo's plastron but Raven simply crawled out of her mother's way and sat on his chest, gazing curiously down on him.

Raphael shook his head as April made to pick her up. Puzzled, she withdrew and watched. Raph could've sworn Leo's shoulder had twitched when the baby touched him.

Giggling a little, Raven reached down and placed her podgy hands on Leo's cheeks. It was sudden. She gave a startled wail as he coughed so roughly it sounded as if he was pulling up his lungs from his chest.

Raph snatched the baby out of harm's way before she toppled over and hit her head in a result of Leo rolling over onto his side and throwing up violently onto the floor. April dived to her feet to get a bowl and something to clean up the mess.

Leonardo was awake.

Cradling the sobbing Raven in one arm, telling her to shush in the most soothing voice he could manage, Raph leaned forwards and stroked the nape of his brother's neck as he vomited. Raph wondered if he actually had anything left in his stomach to get rid of.

The noise soon attracted a sleepy Donatello and Mike and Casey. April bustled past the last two and she and Donny began caring for Leo as Raph hushed the baby. It wasn't long before whatever remained in Leo's stomach was splattered all over the floor and in the bowl April had scrounged from the kitchen.

And from the look on Leo's face when he leaned back into his pillows, acting as if he couldn't see or hear the people around him, Raph knew he had not liked the place he had been in for the past couple of hours.

And no matter how ill Leo was, or how long he would be bedridden, Raphael also knew he would try his damn hardest not to go back to that place again. But Leo had no control over his mind anymore, and Raph feared he would be back there soon.

To Be Continued

A.N: All done! Hehe hope ya likied! I'd say more but I gotta go get ready to see my friend's dancing show so I'll see ya'll later. Much love and take care.


	11. Who The Hell Did I Think I Was?

A.N: Hm, has anyone else been having problems with or is it just me? I mean, it won't let me review, and I've had no email alerts for days, and I usually get one a day, if not a review usually one of the many stories I'm in love with. I know they said they've been having problems with sending alerts but they also said it had been fixed. But anyway, I'll try and get this chapter up before site maintenance later. If it isn't sorry, and I also apologise for this update being a day late. I'm sure all you lovely people understand lol.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Eleven

Who The Hell Did I Think I Was?

Raven Amelia Jones would not relax, nor would she be content until she was snuggling upto her uncle Leonardo's warm plastron, despite him trembling terribly and therefore not being fully able to hold her properly. But as soon as either of her parents tried to take her off him, she'd let out a distressed wail, and then nuzzle happily to his chest when he continued to cradle her.

He'd only been awake ten minutes, lying in bed, and already he was impatient. He needed to get up, far away from that place as possible. Staying in bed comfortably only encouraged the memory to call him back. But he wouldn't go, not if he could help it.

"Leo? Leo!"

It took a few seconds for Leonardo to realise Donny was talking to him. He blinked and looked at him dazedly. Don sighed and placed his hand to Leo's forehead. Leo snatched away, hanging his head in shame. He hadn't said a word yet.

"Fever," Don muttered to April. She nodded and went to freshen Raphael's homemade cold compress.

"'Sup with him? This natural or summat?" Raph asked Donny quietly now everyone else but Leo and Raven were gone, he had ordered Mike and Casey out and they'd obeyed reluctantly.

"Part of it's Valium withdrawal," Donny explained, watching Leo, he daren't move as much as he wanted to, he wouldn't risk upsetting Raven. "The rest of it is lack of sleep and food making him ill. Remember last time?"

Raph gulped and nodded. It wasn't very often Leo got sick but when he did, Raph recalled every detail as if they'd happened mere seconds ago. Leo was just not a person who made a habit of being ill, and he never would be. But if he carried on abusing his body like he was doing, it was just going to get weaker and he was going to get unwell more and more often, no matter how much he fought and hated it.

"I can hear you," Leo spoke for the first time since he woke up. His voice was quiet and almost apologetic, as he stroked Raven's head of soft black hair. Donny had the decency to blush.

"How're you feeling?" He asked hastily, cutting across Raph's sarcastic comment. At first Leo didn't answer.

"Better if I could get some fresh air," He murmured, smiling at the sleeping baby in his arms.

"That's not a good idea Leo 'nd you know it," Raph grumbled, folding his arms, his face twisted into a frown.

"Raph has a point Leo, I mean you could go catatonic again, or catch pneumonia or something," Donny added.

"I won't go catatonic," Leo mumbled solemnly.

There was silence as April returned with the tea towel full of fresh ice. But Leo wouldn't let her apply it to his burning forehead. Whenever she reached forward with the thing, he'd back out of range, all the while managing to keep Raven sleeping soundly. April would have lobbed it in his face if he hadn't got her daughter wrapped in his arms.

"Stop being such a dickhead Leo," She snapped, squeezing the compress tight in frustration and numbing her hands even more. Raph tried to hide his snigger; he always found it funny when April swore.

"May I go out?" Leo asked boldly, blatantly ignoring her comment.

"For fuck's sake Leo, no!" Raph snarled. Leo pierced him with a deathly serious glare. Sure he looked pale and ill, but it didn't lose any of its influence.

"I promise you, I won't go catatonic, and I'll wear a coat," He pleaded. His voice almost sounded childlike again. It really pissed Raph off.

"Look Leo, for the past Goddamned year and a half just about, and I still have no fuckin' clue about you!" The red turtle yelled, coming towards the bed, his wide strides irate. Leo was calm, listening to what his brother had to say, merely holding Raven closer, shielding her from his brother's shouts. "Hell, I even did this!" Raph furiously brandished his injured arm at his elder brother.

Leo's cheeks lost what little colour they had left. His sapphire eyes stared at the pure white bandage wound around Raphael's arm. He'd forgotten, but he remembered now.

_He'd _done that, not Raphael, him. _He'd _punctured Raph's flesh with that sai. If the temperamental turtle hadn't had some common sense and cut near his wrist, he could be dead now. He could have sliced those veins wide open and splattered the walls with his favourite colour. Leo could have murdered one of his own brothers.

Fratricide.

He had to get out of here. He couldn't handle being in such close proximity of the people he loved. He didn't care if it was late at night and should probably be getting plenty of rest, but he just couldn't bear it. He'd just go insane and panic, that was what they were trying to stop him from doing right?

"…So if ah were you bruv, I'd be lahgin' about on mah butt as much as ah could 'nd takin' it easy. Nut flippin' out 'nd demandin' t'go topside!" Raph finished his rant, pacing manically around Leo's room and throwing his hands around.

"I need to get out," Leo whispered, staring hard at Raven's sleeping face. Only Donny heard his voice crack.

"Whut?" Raph snarled, scowling at the bedridden turtle.

"I need t…I need to get out," Leo repeated, his eyes stinging with salty streams.

"Fuck-"

"Let him go Raph," Donny said suddenly, shocking Raph into silence.

The purple turtle leaned over and plucked the infant from his brother's arms. He settled her into her mother's, and she remained sleeping, peaceful and content. Then he offered out his large, warm, khaki hand for Leonardo to take.

Leo looked up in surprise, fixing his watery eyes to Donny's trusting hazel orbs. Trembling, he reached out and grasped his palm, using his weight to heft himself up. He stumbled, but Donny was his shoulder to lean on.

"Now hang on, you listen to me. You gotta wear a coat, and stay well in the shadows, and if you need anything or run into any trouble you ring me, got that?" Donny said sternly, raising an eye ridge.

"I get that Donny, I promise," Leo nodded, almost meekly.

"And…and Leo," Donny gulped, as if having difficulty saying what he wanted to get across. "And if you…panic, and need your…_some_ Valium, phone me ok? Don't…don't talk to any drug dealers or…or anything, ok? _Phone me_," He begged, beseeching him with his eyes.

"I…" Leo looked up so Donny could see he was being completely one hundred per cent honest. "I promise,"

Donny had never smiled wider in his life. Ignoring Raphael's glare, he squeezed Leo's shoulder reassuringly and gave his shell a tender push.

"Go, and don't be too long," He smiled.

Leo pushed past a fuming Raphael and bolted to the front door, dismissing Casey and Michelangelo's astonished cries. Shaking, he snatched his coat and hat and staggered out of the door, climbing into his clothes at the same time.

He breathed out a sigh of relief as his feet collided with murky, smelly water. He made as much noise as he could, sloshing through the sewer juices to calm himself. He was too hot in his garments but knew better than to take them off.

He made his way topside in a record two and a half minutes, heart feeling as if it would burst out of his plastron. Lactic acid burned excruciatingly in his calves and he panted hard, trying desperately to pay off his oxygen debts.

He slotted the manhole cover back where it belonged with a loud scrape across concrete. He sighed, letting everything out. He was doing good, he usually would have swallowed up to three pills by now, or cut himself to shreds.

He stood in the darkness, closing his eyes as his plastron heaved, letting the sweat ooze down his beak. Once he trusted himself to move, he began to walk, just walk aimlessly, with no cause whatsoever.

His mind was all over the place. It was never unoccupied for a second, thoughts racing and fighting for dominance. First it was his brothers and Raph's cut, then April, Casey and Raven wrestled their way into his head. After that those sickening murders. And then…

He involuntarily shivered. He never wanted to go back to that place again. He thanked whatever deity existed that it had been his catatonia cruelly speaking and not reality. It had been living hell. If that had been what he woke up to every morning, he'd have slaughtered himself long ago.

Feeling an urge to soak up the moon's glorious light, he knew fighting the desire would just be futile. So he vaulted himself onto a freezing iron rung and began to climb. He moved swiftly, never pausing and making as little noise as possible.

He eased himself onto the cold rooftops and a chilly breeze teased the bottom of his coat, gnawing at his legs. He smiled, all his worries vanishing just for a few seconds as his body was bathed in a pearly light.

Hearing noises from the building attached to the roof, which housed the stairs, he dived behind the wall, cloaking himself in the shadows. He quickly sat on the cold, rough floor, just in case he'd be sat there for a while. The door opened and a pair of giggling bodies stumbled out of it. Leo prayed they would not decide to come around to his hiding place.

"Rei! Please!" A young woman's voice chortled in weak protest. Leo frowned…Rei…why was that familiar to him?

"C'mon babe! Ya know ya like it!" A Japanese-American male voice coaxed. His accent made Leo even more suspicious.

"That's not the point!" The woman let out another stream of giggles.

"Then what is?" Rei asked and Leo heard her squeal in laughter and some scuffling as if they were play fighting.

"We can't do it here!" The girl argued through her laughing.

"Yes we can, where's your sense of adventure woman?" Rei teased.

Leo couldn't take it anymore. He risked a peek around the building, only to whip his head back round fast. Tokito Rei. But wasn't he supposed to be in prison? Raph had told the blue-clad ninja he'd tipped the police himself; they'd even watched it on the news.

But he was right there, a mere five feet away, making out and feeling up some African-American woman. It just didn't make sense. He hadn't heard or read about his escape, he must've been released on bail. But who? Unless Karai?

No, it couldn't be. Karai wouldn't waste precious time or money on one pitiful soldier. Maybe he had a family or something. But why was he worried? He was just _one _Foot soldier, nothing to fret over. He was unimportant.

Leo sat and awkwardly listening to the couple fooling around. He closed his eyes in envy, in frustration, in fear. Thankfully it wasn't too long before Rei declared he had to go. The turtle nearly breathed out a sigh of relief when the rival ninja left his girl on the rooftop, shutting the door behind him.

But Leo couldn't abandon an innocent female alone on a rooftop. The honour in him wouldn't let him. He mentally sighed and watched her from around the corner. She just hugged herself and stared at the stars.

He wanted to go home. He'd calmed down, he'd had his fresh air. He wanted to go home. But he'd sit there until she decided to go on her way. He'd wait all night if he had to. Girlfriend of a Foot soldier or not, she was still an innocent lady.

He was suddenly aware of another presence, but he barely heard it glide up the very ladder he had. He gulped; this ki was _not _a friendly one. He shivered as he heard stiletto heels click on the concrete.

The African-American woman whirled around, her heart thudding in fright. She instinctively took a step backwards, staring into the face of death. She could see her new visitor, but Leo couldn't, the moon was not letting him.

It happened before Leo could pay any attention to the warning bells screaming and clanging in his head. He jumped to his feet, tripping with dizziness and fatigue. Because of this, he was too slow.

He saw a burst of silver in the dark and heard the hiss of steel in the silent air. The Foot soldier's girlfriend didn't even have time to scream before her guiltless voice was quashed.

Permanently.

Leo watched in horror, stuck to the spot as if his feet were nailed to the floor. The blade sunk in to the coloured girl's throat, and then in the same sweep, the weapon dipped so deep into her lower abdomen, her inner female organs spilled out onto the floor like an upset glass of blackcurrant fruit juice.

Leo's eyes widened. He was terrified. His pulse rate was sky high. He forced down the bile bubbling in his throat. He was not aware of the fact he was standing in a pool of moonlight, in full view of the killer. All he knew was the gruesome corpse before him, her empty, chocolate eyes boring into his soul.

He shuddered awfully, partly due to his withdrawal and partly due to sickened fear. Warm blood tickled his toes, sending goose bumps up his arms. He took in a slow, deep breath, eyes fixed on hers. If onlys struck him like lightning.

Another death to add to his records. The fact he wasn't holding the weapon meant nothing. He could have easily saved her, just like those other poor civilians. He could have moved as soon as he heard their movements on the ladder. He could have interfered when he first saw the sword.

But he didn't.

He stood by and let it happen like an idiot. He was just as low as the actual murderer, perhaps even lower, because he could have made a difference and didn't. She might have lived to watch another sun rise up beyond the skyscrapers, casting a golden light on the city of New York if it wasn't for him.

The killer stepped into the light.

It was female. She had a curvy body, emphasised by a beautiful silk green and black kimono. Ugly splotches of deep, scarlet blood from her victim ruined the attractive garment however. She wore black leather stiletto boots, moving swiftly and silently on them. But they were also splattered with body juices.

Her hair was extremely dark, probably black; it was hard to tell in the natural light. It was reasonably long, just past her slim shoulders. An unusual and rather creepy mask covered her face.

It was a deathly white, with thick black eyelashes painted onto the porcelain around the eyeholes. He couldn't see her eyes; it was just pitch black, and sent quivers down his spine. The mask's lips were painted as red as the blood on her dress. Crimson teardrops were stained underneath the eyes and an upside down crescent moon, also ruby, was on the forehead.

The woman flicked the remaining blood from her katana and it sploshed to the floor, creating a most horrific noise. Leo nervously moistened his lips. He was scared. He had no idea what to do for the first time in his life. He just stood stock-still and stared as she slid her sword into its sheath with a sshhing sound.

He almost spun and ran. He almost drew out a katana and thrust it towards her throat. But something deep within his soul told him to stay where he was, and his damned honour kept him from attacking; she had put away her weapon and was female.

She was mere inches away from him now, the pert nose of her mask almost touching his beak. His breath caught in his throat and he could hear her light breathing behind the china. His heart was pounding so hard; he could've sworn she could hear it.

He froze as she reached out a gloved hand. Chills enveloped his body in a result of the black silk touching his flesh. Somehow, he trusted her, even though he was scared out of his wits. He didn't move a muscle as she twisted his bandana around so all he could see was total blackness.

His sharpened ears heard her push her mask up and off her face. He could hardly breathe in frightened anticipation and he jumped half a mile out of his shell when she cupped his cheek. He almost collapsed in astonishment when he felt her lips press against his own.

Before he had regained complete use of his attentiveness, she had stopped kissing him. He tried to prevent himself from quivering when his suddenly chilly lips tingled. He daren't pull his bandana around so he could see; she obviously didn't want him to see her identity.

Once she allowed him to see once more, her mask was firmly back into place. He gulped once more, disliking the lingering texture and taste of her lipstick. He instantly took a step back in panic as she placed a hand on his plastron.

She pushed him back a few more paces, feeling his pulse beneath his flesh. She smiled; amused at the fact she startled him. He was attentive to the fact he was mere centimetres away from the edge of the rooftop when she stopped. He could hear the cars as if they were right next to him.

What was she planning to do? Shove him off when he least expected it? No, that mysterious tiny element of trust was still there. He somehow knew she was not going to kill him tonight. _Tonight_. That didn't mean she wasn't going to murder him another night.

But there was something about her that seemed familiar. Maybe it was the way she intimidated him, he didn't know, but she greatly reminded him of Karai. But it couldn't be her; she'd stayed well clear of him since he killed her father.

"Not long now," She purred.

It sounded slightly muffled from behind the mask, but he heard it all right and it sent a whole new wave of dread through him. Before he could open his mouth, or move at all, she just simply walked away. She stepped over the body and began to climb down the ladder, making sure she did not leave a trail of blood behind her.

He blinked, letting it all process in his brain, Rei and the woman, the murderer, the killer, the kiss. Not long now. What the shell did that mean? He was too dazed and dizzy to think.

And then, he fell.

To Be Continued

A.N: Sorry for the cliffhanger, I just couldn't resist! Lolness well I hope you all enjoyed and please drop a review! You guys rawk! Much love now and forever as always.


	12. All These Thoughts You Stole From Me

A.N: Yeeeeaaaah whut? Lol I sound like Raph. Can't say sorry enough for the lateness of this chapter. I just haven't been able to write, nothing seemed to come to me. I'm supposed to be revising, I have my GCSEs lol but I'll be honest, this means shell of a lot more to me than GCSEs. Yeah they'll get me a life and a job, but Fanfiction gives me a release. Aaaand….IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! I'm finally sixteen! Hehe sorry I'm just so happy for once lolness. But anyway, here's chapter twelve, and it's rated a big fat M you guys so watch out.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Twelve

All These Thoughts You Stole From Me

"I'm tellin' you Donny, it's a bad idea," Raph repeated for what must've been the hundredth time in the long twenty minutes since Leo left the lair.

"Will you just shut up for once? We have to trust him!" Donny snapped impatiently, swilling the dregs of his coffee around in his mug irritably.

"_I _don't! Does everythin' that's happened mean nut'in' to you?" Raph shot back angrily, leaning on the kitchen table and glaring menacingly at his younger brother. For once however, Don was not troubled.

"Under the depression and medical issues, he's still Leonardo! He's not stupid," The purple turtle defended hotly.

"No, he's high!" Raph cried, throwing his hands to the air in exasperation. Donny couldn't have scowled harder even if he'd tried.

He and Raphael were argueing in the kitchen; Mikey sat on the table, listening in complete silence, an odd sight. April and Casey had retired to the spare room, worn after the day's events. Raven was fast asleep, curled up in her little makeshift cot, a drawer packed full of warm blankets of course. Raphael would not let them go home, despite his scepticism of April's threat.

"He is not high! His last dosage was two pills two days ago I'll have you know! Why can't you understand that?" Donny demanded crossly, clutching his mug so hard it shook.

"_I'm _not the one takin' drugs 'nd cuttin' me sen t'shreds!" Raphael yelled irately.

"That shouldn't make any difference! Leo has a serious problem Raph, and he's our brother, problem or no," Don slammed his mug onto the counter. Most of his drink sloshed over the sides of the Star Wars patterned porcelain and stained the surface it rested on.

Leonardo had only been gone twenty five minutes and already the tension between the brothers were so thick, you couldn't cut it with Leo's katana, let alone a knife. When Leo was not in their presence, they could not hide from the fact their family was falling apart, despite how much they loved one another.

Leonardo's mental state isolated him from his brothers in a way no one could even begin to imagine. He'd always been separate from his brothers, but it was like this illness had slashed apart the thin tethers he had tied to his beloved brothers and snatched him from the only beings he lived for. He couldn't see a way of repairing those broken ends.

Donatello was exhausted from trying to help the eldest. He spent so little time with anyone now, locked away in his room with his computer, researching this or that until his eyes burnt and his head felt like exploding, or he face planted the keyboard and fell asleep there.

Raphael was simply and worried. He hated this. All he wanted was his family back, but it was more or less out of his hands now. Leo's illness was in his head, leaving Raphael helpless. He hated being helpless just as much. He'd tried his utmost best to understand his brother and place himself in his shoes, but it just wasn't coming.

And little Michelangelo?

He was one who strived on social interactions and company. Alone just didn't come into his vocabulary. He wouldn't last two minutes on his own. Not because he wasn't physically able, but down to the fact he would go mad with no one's company but his own. Yet that was becoming more familiar to him day by day.

Oroku Saki had not just taken a life that stormy summer night. He'd brutally torn apart a family.

Raph made to give a very irritated and loud retort but a distressed and tearful interruption came from a tired little Mikey perched on the scrubbed tabletop.

"Shut up! Both of you!" He cried shrilly, his bright green eyes glimmering with dammed saltwater.

Raph's mouth ceased mid-sentence. He and Donny turned to stare at their baby brother. He was shaking as he fought the tears, clutching the edge of the table hard. His young face was troubled and upset, so heart-wrenchingly unlike Mikey it hurt.

"You're makin' this sound like it's Leo's fault, like he chose to be this way. It ain't! It ain't. He can't help it if he's seen some shit and it's gotten to him. Any of us would be the same," He declared defiantly, head held high.

Raph and Donny looked at each other. He was right. They'd started Leo's treatment and had expected him to recover in leaps and bounds, happy as Larry. They had been impatient, desperate for their elder brother with them once again. They'd forgotten he'd witnessed some pretty bad stuff, forgotten he'd had such low self-esteem, forgotten his insecurity.

It was time to remember.

"God, what have we done?" Donny whispered, his hand to his mouth, sickened.

"We haven't done anythin', 'cept impatiently want the old Leo back straight away," Raph sighed, leaning his elbows on the counter and staring unseeingly at the wall. He tried not to think of Leo and mike's blood drowning it.

"He wants t'die, I know he does. Every time he watches a news report on one of those murders, I see it in his eyes. He wishes it was him lyin' in a cold, wet alley with his blood pourin' all over the pavement," Mikey choked out, and then he began to sob into his hands.

Raph held him.

"He might want to die, but he won't. He knows it's running away, and in his mind, living is punishment for his sins, whilst death is his reward," Donny said wisely. His hazel eyes were as of yet dry, but his voice trembled.

"We'll do it right from now on. We'll be patient and understandin' and trustin'! We'll get 'im back," Here, Raph lightly kissed the still weeping Mikey on his head. "I promise you that Mikey, I promise you that,"

There was a few minutes' brooding but not uncomfortable silence as Mikey sniffled and gathered himself and Raph consoled him. Don stood and drank more calmly from his mug, his hand resting reassuringly on Mike's thigh.

"Shit! What time is it?" Donny cursed so suddenly, the other two jumped.

They all glanced at the clock and their hearts leapt in their throats. Sure Leo had only been gone thirty minutes, but it was twenty past twelve, the New York Ripper always struck at midnight.

"I'll go get him," Raph volunteered instantly, turning on his heel to grab his coat and get going.

"Raph wait, I want you to post this on your way," Don reached over to take a stamped envelope propped up against the bread bin.

"Who's it for?" Raph asked curiously, taking it.

"It's to Usagi-San. That's the address he told me to write to," Don explained.

"What's it say?" Mike wondered with hope in his voice. If anyone could help them, it would be the rabbit Samurai. (A.N: Sorry about the previous mistake of saying Usagi was a ninja, have only watched those particular episodes once or twice each long ago, stupid British television to blame heh.)

"It's an invitation for tea and cakes, what d'ya think it says!" Raph growled exasperatedly. Mike gave one of custom sheepish grins.

"It just says we're in desperate need of his help and have a lot of catching up to do," Donny shrugged. Mike nodded, reassured.

"Well ah'm off t'get ole Fearless. Ah won't be too long, an hour tops,"

And with that, Raphael bade his brothers farewell, journeyed to the hallway, climbed into the long, well-worn coat, fitted his hat into place, tucked the letter safely into his pocket and went on his way, dashing through the sewers like wildfire.

_Dear Usagi-San,_

_It is Hamato Donatello. I hope I find you well old friend? It has been too long since we last spoke and I'm afraid to say much has changed. I must apologise for not writing sooner. As I said, a lot of things have happened in the long four years since our last meeting. _

_My brothers and I did not attend the most recent Battle Nexus Tournament, although we had been very much looking forward to it. You see, our beloved Sensei, Master Splinter, passed away only a few days before._

_I would like to say he died peacefully and contently in his sleep, a smile on his mouth, his stomach full with glorious food and pain far from his mind. But he did not._

_There has been much debate in our family about exactly how Sensei passed. Raphael, Michelangelo and myself know the Shredder, Oroku Saki, is fully responsible, even though we were not eyewitnesses. My brother Leonardo however, begs to differ. _

_He believes he killed Master Splinter with his own sword. He was out on a supply errand with our father the night it happened, therefore he saw Sensei die. _

_Naturally our old turtle luck worked true to form and members of the Foot clan ambushed them. They fought honourably, but they were terribly outnumbered. Soon, as always, Shredder joined the fray. That guy can never cut us a break._

_Both Sensei and Leonardo were exhausted and wounded, but Shredder cared not. He drugged Leonardo with a paralysis substance, mainly used for date rape. Saki then controlled Leonardo's paralysed body and slew our Sensei with my brother's blade. He left Leonardo, wounded and broken, lying atop our Sensei, until he regained use of his body and returned home with our father's corpse._

_I'm sure you could imagine the reception he received when we woke up the next morning to find Leonardo crouched, impassive, over our motionless Master, who was clean and respectable, but obviously dead. _

_Raphael became even more so violent and moody and isolated. Michelangelo screamed and sobbed and would not budge from his place by our dead father's side. I locked myself in my laboratory, mourning with my computer. And Leonardo? He became cold and emotionless, yet he was the one who kept the family together during those dark hours._

_Now I can safely say Raphael, Michelangelo and myself are finally over our father's death. Of course, we shall never **fully **be over such a thing, but we are as over it as we could possibly be. Leonardo, however, is a different matter._

_He is the main reason I am writing to you. We need your help. Master Splinter always said a brave person is not someone who struggles with his problems alone, but a person who asks for help when he needs it. I wish Leonardo had listened to that proverb._

_To put things bluntly and shortly, Leonardo is one broken turtle. He has chronic posttraumatic stress disorder, severe depression, mild obsessive-compulsive disorder and, I'm almost ashamed to say, he has become addicted to Valium and self-harming._

_A lot of things have happened in the year and a half since Sensei's death, but the most significant of all, besides gradually realising our older brother was slipping through our fingers, has to be the birth of our niece, Raven Amelia Jones, daughter to our human friends April and Casey. _

_Another proverb Master Splinter used to say comes to mind. He had so many he loved to recite I wonder how I remember them, but I suppose these sorts of little things stay in your mind. But anyway, he used to say when someone dies; a baby is born to take his place._

_And being the logical turtle that I am, I have to wonder, has Raven taken Master Splinter's place, or will she take the place of my brother? Every morning I fear I am going to find he has committed Seppuku as we sleep. Thankfully up to yet, my doubts are proven wrong._

_I have to admit on the other hand, I take some satisfaction in knowing Oroku Saki is now dead also. Leonardo sought him out after we almost lost Michelangelo to his clawed hand. I can safely say Leonardo honoured our Sensei's death that night. Although the event left his depressed mind even more unhinged. _

_And finally, to add more fuel to this dark and terrible fire, a mysterious killer the media has dubbed 'The New York Ripper' has been leaving a murder behind every night. Their victims are all female, except one male who was raped before he was murdered. I'm sorry to say I have no clue about these horrific slaughters whatsoever, despite my very best efforts. _

_Why is this relevant you may ask? Well because with every murder a message is left on the wall, scrawled in blood, along with Leonardo's name. These messages are extremely sinister and threatening, yet Leonardo seems not to care. He feels injustice towards the deaths, but seemingly unfazed by his name on that wall. I fear there is more than meets the eye. _

_So now I have brought you up to date with everything that has happened, I plead your help. We have no one to turn to but you. Leonardo is making one step forward, two steps back in his recovery. I have tried my utmost hardest, but I know we are still losing our Leonardo._

_Thank you for reading and I understand you may be too busy for a hopeless turtle clan, so I will not be angry if you cannot help, although I do hope to hear from you soon, if only to know you are well. Talk soon,_

_Donatello_

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Pain.

That was all that bubbled through his body. No blood, just pain. It was worse than the hottest magma glugging in its dormant state, ready to burst from his inside tunnels in scarlet spurts.

He couldn't see anything; it was just some tomblike black abyss pressing like death itself on his sense, suffocating him of precious oxygen. He tried to scream but the blackness swamped his throat, depriving him of his own voice.

He clutched at his abdomen, warm blood streaming through his fingers as if they were made of the red stuff. It seemed as if hell itself exploded from his stomach. He didn't like what he felt underneath his fingertips.

Three huge claw marks joined into one great gaping gap.

They ripped apart the tough yellow skin of his plastron as if it was nothing. He didn't know what to do except squirm in agony, not daring to touch the substances spilling from his wound.

He wasn't Donny; he couldn't tell which organ was which. There was just too much blood; he could just feel spongy textures, rivers pouring from his body. He daren't move anything, in fear of causing yet more pain.

He heard furious footsteps echo around and around his head, mimicking the screaming in there. There were so many voices, he couldn't determine who was who in there. He barely heard anyone clearly, but Raphael and Master Splinter were yelling the loudest, having an all out war in his head.

Raphael's face swarmed before him. Three faces with a red bandana merged into one, his expression horrified, saltwater dripping from his chocolate coloured eyes. He cupped Leo's feverish cheeks, his mouth working overtime as he spoke panicky reassurances to his older brother.

But Leo heard nothing.

He felt Raph's cold hands in his wound, touching the spongy stringy organs in morbid fascination. The chill was an agonising contrast to his own warm touch. It was as if someone had turned the sound on.

His scream curdled his own blood.

"Leo! Leo it's ok!" Raph cried hysterically, his stained hands moving to Leo's waist. "We'll just…we'll put 'em back in until…until Donny gets here and…and…"

"Raph, they…they won't fit," Leo rasped, throwing his head back against the freezing concrete floor.

"I'll make 'em fuckin' fit!" Raph stormed.

Leo wanted to argue, he wanted to scream in protest as he felt Raph begin to shove everything hastily back inside his body. But he couldn't. He just struggled against his panicked and unexperienced touch.

Maybe it was the copper tasting liquid that was beginning to churn inside his throat and dribble out and down his chin that stopped him. Maybe it was the feel of his heart beating weaker and slower in his chest. Maybe it was the feel of his brother's hands on his skin, chilling him to the bone. Maybe it was the feel of lying and splashing in his own blood.

He didn't know what it was, but he didn't fight it.

He screamed again, his throat burning as he choked on his own blood and its stench. Raph bit his lip so hard his sharp teeth tore the skin. He continued to work under his brother's grotesque and ripped body, trying to place his small intestines under the flaps of soaked flesh. He tried to ignore the pain-wracked screams and sobs.

His older brother was usually so calm under intense pain. Usually he could focus on anything but the agonising fire coursing through his body. Usually Leo could perform miracles to assure the safety of his brothers, ignorant to any personal discomfort.

But this was not a usual circumstance.

His guts and insides were tumbling from his flesh for fuck's sake! Where the hell could a wound like this come from? There was nothing around, nothing to indicate a struggle or a fight.

It was just that claustrophobic blackness swarming in from all sides. Shell, Raph couldn't even see his brother's blood once it oozed from his body onto the floor. He could feel it sloshing around his knees like mere rainwater. He could feel his brother's pain in his frightened and excruciating cries.

Leo tried to roll over but the huge cavernous hole in his stomach prevented it. Vomit mingled with blood in his throat, making him retch even more. He began to retch uncontrollably on his own body juices, his sickening twisting movements tearing what Raph suspected to be his liver from the red turtle's hands.

The blue turtle barely heard his name being bellowed in the dark. Raphael's face was rapidly merging into the blackness. It was coming.

"LEO!"

To Be Continued

A.N: I apologise for the gore. I saw it on a film we watched in drama and it gave me an idea lol. Reading and reviewing would be a great birthday present! Much love to you all!


	13. I'm Not Sure Where I Belong

A.N: You know, I can't believe how far we've got. I mean I've done a huuuge chapter miscalculation with this story ya know. I only planned on like eleven chapters, twelve at most, but we've passed that and nowhere near finished, but that's ok right? I sure hope it is. But anywayz, here's chapter thirteen, unlucky for some.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Thirteen

I'm Not Sure Where I Belong

"LEO!"

Raphael shook his motionless older brother for what felt like the millionth time, to no avail. What a time to go catatonic! It was a good job Raph had had an unexplainable urge to check out the alley behind the jewellery store on Seventh. It was almost as if Master Splinter had been guiding him towards the elder. But surely Raph didn't believe that, did he?

Raph had entered the alley just to see a bulky, trench coat wearing figure fall backwards from a three-storey apartment block. It sailed through night and momentum, its coat rippling in the wind. No noise escaped its lips. Weight dragged the body around and Raphael could see who it was in the dim, flickering street lamp glow.

Leonardo.

Before the red turtle could move another muscle, Leo had collided with the cold, rough brick wall and his head met the ruddy bricks with a sickening thud. Raph flinched and something inside him made him dart towards his still falling brother with outstretched arms.

The rebel staggered with the sudden weight but managed to keep him steady as he lowered him to the chilly floor. His face was blank and frozen in shock, blood pouring from the fresh scrape on the side of his head. But other than that, he was fine.

Wait; was that _lipstick_ on Leo's lips?

Raph groaned in disgust and wiped it off carelessly. Whatever the reason was, he didn't want to know. Slipping out of his coat, he laid it under Leo's neck, both to cushion his head and put pressure on the blood flow. Leo remained eerily still.

Raph wondered what the hell had happened? _Had _something eventful taken place? Or had Leo merely took a walk over that particular rooftop and catatonia had struck, causing him to fall? Whatever it was, he didn't have time to dwell on it.

The cops would be scooping the area soon; they had tightened their security since the murders, especially at this time of night. Also, Leo's head couldn't feel too good right now. Raph wasn't sure of the effects catatonia had on head wounds but he knew they couldn't be beneficial. Besides, that crazy murderer could be around any second.

He scanned the alley a third time to make sure it was completely empty, and shudder involuntarily, thinking of the headlines in tomorrow's newspaper. _New York Ripper Rips Two MUTANT TURTLES_. Some of the public would never believe it, but Raph certainly couldn't afford anything like that to happen.

But he couldn't get Leo to safety on his own, it just wasn't possible. They weren't too far away from home but Raph didn't fancy his chances. Taking out his shell cell, he dialled Don's number. It was time for some Battleshell action.

"C'mon Don, pick up!" Raph muttered desperately, holding the phone tight to his ear and clutching his coat to Leo's head.

"Hey Ra…Ra…Raph," Don tried to smother a huge yawn. "You find him?"

"I found him alright, 'nd you'd bettah come quick!" Raph replied, slotting the phone between his ear and shoulder. In a result of this, he freed both hands to cradle Leo's head.

"Why? What's wrong?" Don asked fearfully, frantically. Raph winced.

"Ah found 'im fallin' off a buildin', catatonic. I caught 'im o' course, but he hit his head on th'way down. Ah don't think it's too bad, just a tad messy, but ah think the blood's startin' t'stop," Raph explained, cautiously pulling away the drenched coat to examine the wound.

"This is just typical," Don sighed exasperatedly. Raph shrugged.

"Ah hate t'say ah told you so…ok ah don't. You comin' or what?" He questioned huffily, clamping the coat back over the graze.

"Yeah, yeah, of course we are. Where are you?" Raph could hear him chucking a load of things haphazardly into his lucky bag of tricks.

"The alley behind the jewellery store on Seventh. Hurry up Don, I don't like being out here any longer than I have to," Raph gave another reluctant shiver, his mind drifting to those murders again.

"It's alright, I'm on my way. You're compressing the wound and keeping his head comfy right?"

"Check and check,"

"Alrightie then. See you soon and _be careful_,"

"Same to you,"

Raph sighed and flipped his phone shut. After tucking it where it belonged in his belt, he continued to gently hold Leo's head in his lap. He tried not to tremble at the expression frozen on Leonardo's face.

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"I know losing one of our own is distressing and disheartening but the Foot Clan are stronger than this!" Her thick accent rolled through all corners of the room, filling every eager listener's ears.

Roars of approval exploded from the crowd's masked mouths and they punched the stuffy air enthusiastically. Boy, what a leader! How many other gangs had a tough, merciless, determined dictator? And what was more, she was downright stunning! Sure, her predecessor had been more murderous and conquering, but tell me which one _you _preferred.

"And whose fault is this? Whose fault is it that Clarke was snatched from us? Whose fault is it that our comrade was torn apart before our very eyes?" She cried, slamming her slender hands on to the wooden arms on her throne.

She cared nothing for Michael Clarke, the man recently raped and killed. Sure he was a loyal subject just like the rest of them, but he was insignificant, merely a pawn in her hands. And she was the queen, the most powerful piece on the board.

But it was important to keep up her pawns' morale. They were still human after all, easily discouraged and frightened, all too willing to flee when the going got tough, which it often did in their line of work. It was easy to get them going again, wear something nice and say something dashing and they were raring to go.

And she needed her pawns. If she wanted things to go her way, if she wanted to win, her pawns would be very vital indeed. The further they got across the board, the further they got to winning. They would do her dirty work.

"The Turtles!"

She beamed down at them all as they began to chant their enemy's name in answer to her previous questions. She would strike soon, especially against their king.

But for now, it was white's turn to move.

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"RAPH!"

Leonardo sat bolt upright in fear and almost collapsed in agony. His head felt like it was going to explode. Frantically, he looked around to gratefully find himself tucked up safely in his own bed. His hands moved to his abdomen and he breathed a sigh of relief. There were no squishy or spongy objects tumbling out, just his warm, tough _whole_ plastron.

It had been one huge nightmarish figment of his catatonia. It had been worse than last time. Last time he had merely fallen into a sea of blood, surrounded by nothing but crimson and his own drowning.

With a pained groan, he clutched his head and fell back into the cool comfort of his cushions. He frowned as he felt a thick bandage there. What the hell happened? He couldn't remember anything through the dizziness. He touched his lips. He remembered.

He almost didn't make it into the bathroom in time. Staggering with giddiness, he had just dropped to his knees when everything spilled from his mouth. His head throbbed and the room spun.

Figures. He had a concussion.

Leaning dizzily back against the tub, he let out a breath of air. With his head still spinning like a Catherine wheel, he closed his eyes against the darkness of the bathroom.

The pounding footsteps coming closer sounded like the furious drumming that played a part in Raph's music, only magnified a million times over. He gave a groan and totally forgot where he was and what was happening.

"Leo?"

"Mike? Tha' you?" Leo inwardly cursed in frustration as a result of hearing the words tumble from his mouth in a slur. The cold bathroom tiles didn't feel like tiles anymore.

"Yeah, it's me bro," Mike said gently, kneeling down beside his brother.

The youngest turtle had never felt more sorry for anyone in his life. This wasn't Leonardo before him; this was simply a shell of his former elder brother, a very broken shell.

This was a figure leaning against the bathtub as if his life depended on it, clutching the cold plastic so hard it looked as if his knuckles would burst. He refused to open his eyes in case it bought more pain to his thumping, dizzy head.

This concussed, disorientated, slurring Leonardo was not the Leonardo he knew. And it broke his heart. He vowed they would get the old Leo back. They had to, for their sakes as well as his.

"Where 'm I?" Leo murmured and Mike frowned. Don said if he was concussed, he'd be confused and stammering, maybe even throwing up. Leo was concussed alright.

"It's alright bruv, you're home now, we'll look after you," Mikey sighed, laying a reassuring hand on Leo's thigh.

Leo let out another slow, tired and pained breath. He knew Mike was dying to ask what had happened and he wanted to tell him, he really did, he just couldn't bring himself to do it. They had enough things to worry about without these murders and he didn't really want to think or talk about it.

"How're you feelin'?" Mike asked sympathetically.

"Never better," Leo managed to cough out with a little laugh. Mikey gave a halfhearted chuckle.

"We're sorry you know," He whispered, his smile vanishing as quickly as it appeared. He gulped against the flow of tears threatening to burst from his emerald eyes.

"Wha' for? Wha'…cough…wha' d'you mean?" Leo stuttered, finally opening his eyes. Five tearful, sorry looking Michelangelos morphed into one and Leo tried his hardest to stay with him, but he felt so tired and confused.

"We're sorry for expectin' you to get better straight away. We…we didn't realise how hard it would be f'you, 'cuz we've never been in your bandana, we don't know how it feels t'be you, 'nd we're sorry for it, 'cuz you probably know us so well y'know exactly how it feels t'be in ours," Mike explained softly, lowering his head as the salty tears eventually began to make their way down his cheeks.

"Not exactly," Leo gave a small chuckle. "But thanks. I jus' nee' a li'l' more time, tha's all," He raised a heavy hand and wiped his baby brother's tears away. Mike looked up and gave a weak smile.

"'Nd you'll get it, you see! We won't give up on you, I promise!" The weak smile turned into a wide comforting grin. "'Nd I figured you'd really be needin' these right now, so I managed to swipe them off Don for you!" The grin turned proud as he produced a little clear bottle half full bottle of pills from his belt.

Leo glared at the drugs so fiercely it almost made Mike recoil a little. If Leo took even one of those tablets it would make everything he'd strived for, all the withdrawal he'd suffered, all the emotional abuse he'd made himself endure, all for nothing. He couldn't do it, especially not now, after what Mike had said.

"No,"

"What?" Mike's face dropped and he lowered his offered hand, rejected.

"'Said no. Don't y'see? If I'took one o' these, I w'u'n't be ge'in' better, jus'…jus' worse," Leo explained as best he could through the splutters. He really hated talking like this, it made him feel really weak, couldn't even talk properly.

"I…I get ya," Mike sighed, slipping the pills back into his belt. Leo caught his guilty face despite his wooziness.

"'Precciate it though Mike, hones'," He assured him, laying a hand on Mike's own, which was still resting on his thigh. Mikey smiled.

"I know ya do bruv,"

Without warning, Leo moved forwards and began to violently throw up once more. After getting over his initial shock, Mike laid a hand on the nape of his elder brother's neck as he emptied his stomach even more thanks to his concussion.

Once he was finished, he gave a tired moan and leaned back on the tub again, pressing his hot, sweating, achy head to the cool plastic. Perfect, he was going through withdrawal again, bloody perfect.

Without a word, Mike got to his feet to venture into the kitchen. Leo silently waited for him to come back, his eyes closed in disappointment. Somehow he knew his and Mike's little heart to heart hadn't come to an end just yet.

And sure enough, about two agonising minutes later, Mike returned with a large glassful of clear, cool water and a packet of strong painkillers. He knelt down again and Leo accepted them with thanks although he wasn't strong enough to tip the glass to his mouth. Oh, how he hated being helpless with a passion!

"Betcha can't even remember how ya got concussed, can ya?" Mike asked kindly, lowering the glass to the floor with a soft chink as it hit the tiles. Leo gave a shake of the head but then stopped hastily and grabbed Mike's arm for support.

"No, no…'can't," He mumbled once he was stable.

"Raph found ya fallin' off an apartment roof. You were catatonic, 'nd he caught ya o' course, pretty lucky really, ya probably wouldn't've survived if he hadn't with you bein' catatonic 'n' all, but yeah, he caught ya. Only ya kinda hit y'head on the wall on th'way down," Mikey gave a small wince as he imagined the events in his mind as he spoke them. It must have been and sounded horrid, watching his head hit the wall like it did.

"Bad?" Leo wondered, dreading the answer. He hadn't had much decent luck lately; it would be just like him to end up seriously hurting his head. At a time like this too.

"Nah, not too bad, just messy. All you'll get is a headache for a few days," Mike gave a consoling grin. Leo nodded, relieved.

"Ev'ryone else 'k?" He asked, sounding as if he was drunk.

"They're fine. April-" Mike suddenly paused, remembering Leo knew nothing of her threat. He decided he was better off not knowing, now was _not _a time to freak him out.

"Wha' 'bout 'er?" Leo slurred, feeling his heart quicken in concern.

"Hey, she's fine, no worries! She just got a…hangover earlier, that's all," Mike assured hurriedly, laying a hand on his shoulder.

Leo couldn't help but relax, Mike just had that effect on him sometimes. He smiled and nodded, letting the relief flood over him. But then fatigue swamped over him, overtaking the peace. He swayed, faint, and Mike latched onto him.

"I think you need your bed bruv," He sighed, smiling as Leo leaned heavily on him. Leo simply nodded, too sleepy to argue.

With the younger turtle's help, he staggered to his feet and together they journeyed to his room. It took shell of a long time to get there what with his slipping and stumbling, but they managed it and soon Mike was laying his brother down into the fluffy comfort of his pillows and mattress.

Leo sunk into the cushiony peace, closing his eyes to block out the light filtering through his door from the hallway. Mike pulled the covers over his shivering body, tucking him in tightly. He sat on the edge of the bed and held his hand. He was surprised at how dry his eyes were.

"Thanks Mike, I-"

"You appreciate it, I know," Mike interrupted with a soft smile. Leo gave a brief nod.

Mike watched in silence, still clutching clammy hand in his lap, as the older turtle closed sapphire eyes and turned his head away from the light, finally trying to settle down.

The three milky claw scars on his cheek gleamed in the hall light and Mike shuddered unhappily. He didn't like those things. Leo loved them and to Don and Raph they were just scars. But to Mike it seemed Shredder had left his mark on the eldest turtle, and it would be permanent.

He felt Leo gently squeeze his hand as if he sensed his thoughts and felt the need to reassure him Leonardo was still in that broken shell somewhere, it was just going to take a little time to get him back that's all.

Mikey smiled and ventured the gesture before climbing to his feet and letting his brother's hand fall back to the bed. He turned on his heel to catch some zs of his own. But as soon as he reached the door, a small and drained voice called him back.

"Mikey?"

"Yeah?" When Mike turned around to give his older brother his full attention, Leo was looking at him, beseeching him with those eyes.

"Stay wi' me? P'ease?" Leo whispered, sounding just like a little boy who was scared to go to sleep after experiencing a nightmare. The only thing was, Leo wasn't a little boy anymore.

Mike smiled softly and returned to the bed, resting a warm hand on Leo's scarred cheek.

"Sure I will bruv, sure I will,"

To Be Continued

A.N: Y'know, that might've been a good ending if it wasn't for the whole mystery murder thing I've left going on but oh well. Leo looks like he's on the mend but will he stay that way? Remember to please read and review guys! Much love!


	14. Nowhere's Home And I'm All Wrong

A.N: New chapter folks! Hope ya'll enjoy hehe.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Fourteen

Nowhere's Home and I'm All Wrong

"So he'll be ok?"

"He'll be fine. It's just a little concussion Mike, nothing to worry about. A week of bed rest and another week of taking it easy and he'll be as right as rain," Donny assured his bro cheerily, tapping away on his laptop.

Satisfied, Mikey returned to making breakfast for his brothers and their guests. He'd stayed most of the night with his elder sibling, soothing him through dizzy nightmares just by holding his sleeping form. Raphael had woken the youngest turtle up around three a.m and sent him to bed.

Raph was with him still, six hours later. He hadn't fallen asleep, had stayed wide-awake in the same position Mikey had been. Leo hadn't seemed to notice the change. If he did, he obviously didn't mind.

If Leo was still Leo, he would be up any minute, but Raph didn't expect him to. Concussion, catatonia and drug withdrawal did a lot to a turtle. He wondered how long it had been since Leo had taken a pill.

Didn't Donny say two days, almost three? Raph knew the depressed turtle was doing rather well. Most addicts would be back to three a day by now, but not their Leonardo. Raph couldn't help but be proud of him. Sure he didn't particularly understand him, but he was damn proud of him, he just didn't like to admit it.

Raph hoped pets had slipped Leo's mind. Maybe when everything was moderately normal once more, Raph would consider it, but definitely not before. He knew he needed to trust Leo more, but this was different.

Raph sighed and leaned his head against the cold wall. He'd heard the news, and Donny had come in to update him. There had been another female murder last night. But what the scary thing was, it had been on top of the building Raph had caught Leo falling off.

Thoughts brawled brutally inside Raphael's head. When a situation like this occurs, it was natural human instinct to assume the worst. That's exactly what Raphael was doing.

Donatello, being the logical turtle that he is, disagreed with his temperamental brother. He thought Raphael's theory highly unlikely, and he had proof too. Raph wanted to believe him more than anything, but the crazy, depressed, hating side of Leonardo told him otherwise.

Raphael reckoned Leonardo was the New York Ripper. He had been out during at least two of the murders, possibly all of the, they hadn't watched him at night. And he had been acting so strangely since the first slaughter, distant and edgy.

But why? That was the main question. Raph could think of a million reasons. Maybe Leo had just finally become unhinged, a psychotic killer, totally mindless. Maybe Leo wanted people to feel the same he did when a loved one was snatched away. Maybe he was going to frame someone for revenge.

If this was so, why did he scrawl his name and those messages on the walls? Raph thought Leo's careless dismissal of the graffiti must surely mean he wrote it. Did he do it because it was so obvious, no one would suspect him? But what about the 'O'Neil is next' one? Did he truly mean to kill April, or did he just want to push the blame away from himself even more.

Donny had called him stupid and obnoxious. He was still a bit pissed off with him now. Don had said Leo couldn't be the murderer, there was no way. For one thing, although Leo was slightly mentally unstable and depressed, he did not have short-term memory loss or schizophrenia. He would not have been _mentally_ able to kill those people. Also, if he had been the one to slay the most recent victim, Kia Jaye, he wouldn't have had time or a place to wash off the blood on him and his swords before he fell off the building.

So Donny, along with this and other evidence, had come to the conclusion Leo had witnessed at least one murder, most definitely Ms. Jaye's. Leo had some serious explaining to do when he woke up. Raph didn't know what to think.

Murderer or witness?

He looked up as Casey entered with two plates of delicious looking breakfast. If Raph hadn't a shred of self-dignity, he would have leapt on him he was so ravenous. He wordlessly accepted his plate of eggs and bacon and instantly began eating as Casey took a seat and began feeding himself also.

"Don was gonna bring it t'ya, but ah figured he'd chuck it at yer head," Casey drawled with his mouth full. Raph swallowed his forkful of egg.

"Don wouldn't waste good food," He shrugged.

"An' it's damn fine food," Casey murmured dreamily in appreciation.

"Yeah, Mike cooks good, besides being a prick sometimes," Raph chuckled.

They ate in silence save for Leo's light breathing as he slept and the chink of steel forks on porcelain plates. It was a comfortable quiet, one that can only be shared by two friends during a time when things looked bleak. There was a mutual understanding between them that went much deeper than life or death. Arnold Casey Jones and Hamato Raphael were more than best friends, they were brothers, things like age and species no barrier whatsoever.

"You wanna go out later? You know, t'blow off some steam," Casey asked, after his last mouthful cascaded down his throat.

"Somehow, ah don't fancy traipsin' round th'streets at a time like this Case," Raph murmured, settling back on Leo's bed and placing his dishes on the bedside crate.

"Well, no. But ah know this real quiet snooker place, nice 'n' dark enough, no one bothers yer there," Casey suggested, holding a hand out to receive Raph's plate to cart back to the kitchen.

"Yeah, yeah that sounds pretty good actually," Raph sighed, nodding. Casey nodded in agreement and left for the kitchen.

Raph turned his head to look down at his peaceful brother and laid a reassuring hand on his head. Leo flinched a little in his sleep and Raph remembered his wound and lessened the pressure. He gently caressed his forehead through the soft linen bandage.

Leonardo gave a tired little moan and his eyes flickered open. Raph didn't remove his hand, whether it was to soothe Leos insecurity, or to subdue him if he got out of hand he did not know.

"Don't even think about it Leonardo," Raph warned as Leo tried to sit up. Leo let out a tiny sigh and closed his eyes at an attempt to calm his headache.

"Time is it?" He muttered groggily.

"I'm not tellin' ya, you'll only try getting' up," Raph answered gruffly. Leo gave a weak smile.

"After ten then," He nodded slightly. Raph sighed.

"You hungry?" He asked, taking his hand from Leo's head.

"You know, actually I am," Leo said in awe of himself. Raph chuckled.

"Be right back then," He climbed stiffly to his feet and left Leo in peace.

Raph sat with him in silence as he drank a mug full of soup. He knew Leo knew the temperamental turtle was biding his time. He didn't quite know how to confront his older brother. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to.

"Say it Raph," Leo said eventually, staring pensively at the soggy vegetables stewing in the bottom of his mug.

"I'm not particularly sure how to bruv," Raph admitted quietly. Leo gave a small shrug. He wished those painkillers would hurry up working.

"Just say what's on your mind Raphael, I'm not going anywhere," He mumbled tiredly, shifting into a more comfortable position.

Raph stretched back in his hard wooden kitchen chair and fixed Leo with searching eyes. What was going through his head right now? Fear/ Anger? Grief? All Raph wanted was to understand his brother, just like Leo understood him.

He might as well just go for it; it was the only way he'd be able to get any answers. He somehow knew Leo would not lie to him. Maybe it was because Raph saved his life, maybe it was because of his intense pain, maybe it was because they were brothers, or maybe it was just because Leo was tired of hiding.

"Leo, did you murder those people?"

The swordsman almost dropped his mug. He knew it was coming, but no amount of preparation could train you for the heart-wrenching smash of pain that came with the accusatory, almost heartless voice of his brother. He closed his eyes to compose himself and soothe his thumping heart. He lowered his mug to rest in his lap and looked up into Raphael's eyes. Chocolate to sapphire, soul to soul.

"Yes,"

Raph's heart jammed in his throat and his eyes felt like they were on fire. He didn't even wait for an explanation, he just fled. He pushed back from his chair so hard it toppled to the floor. He slammed the door so violently, Raven began wailing.

Leo groaned and turned his head to the cool, soft pillow. He'd told Raph the truth, both lifting the weight from his shoulders slightly and yet increasing it tenfold. Now Raph hated every fibre of his being, now Raph regretted catching him when he fell off that building.

Sure he didn't kill those people with his own hands, but he as good as did it. Why did Raph have to catch him? Why couldn't he plunge to his death onto harsh cold concrete? Why did he continue to punish himself so? Why did he continue to rip apart those he loved?

"Leo?"

Leo opened his eyes jadedly. Don was walking quietly, cautiously towards his bed, his face a tad frightened. Leo would have kicked himself if he could move without his head feeling like it would explode.

"'Sup Donny?" He breathed, grateful his migraine was beginning to dull around the edges.

"Leo, why did Raph just scream to me he was 'fucking right'?" Don questioned softly, taking Raph's vacated chair.

"I don't want to talk about it," Leo whispered, blinking back tears. Don sighed and took his hand.

"Leo, tell me you didn't kill those people," He pleaded. Leo's eyes flickered with tears and they began to tumble down his cheeks.

"I did Donny," He wept, staring at his wall as if hoping it would topple on him. Donny gasped sharply and absent-mindedly squeezed his clammy hand in shock. "But not how Raph thinks," Leo added lamely in a half-hearted attempt at defending himself.

"What do you mean?" Don frowned, confused.

"I don't want to talk about it," Leo repeated tearfully, closing his eyes.

Donny got the picture. He leant over and gently, tenderly, kissed Leo on his forehead, just underneath the bandage so he could actually feel it. When Leo flinched under his touch, Donny suddenly understood.

"It's ok Leo, I understand what you mean now. I'll talk to Raph. We don't blame you, not one bit. We love you, you know," He soothed, stroking his brother's weathered hand with his own thumb.

"I love you too Donny," Leo mumbled sleepily through his tears.

"I know you do Leo. Sleep well bro," Don smiled lightly and left his brother to it.

But now Leo was awake, he could not drift back to the land of dreams. Although he was still tired, he could not drag himself into relaxation like he used to, and that got to him.

He creased his brow in thought, not caring he pulled his head wound. When was the last time he sat down and meditated? He shivered, was it a week ago perhaps? Master Splinter would be ashamed, he used to meditate at least once a day for a minimum of two hours.

Now he couldn't sit still long enough. His mind was just too full and distressed to calm. How could _you_ relax when horrendous screams were echoing in your ears?

But maybe meditation would help him make heads or tails out of his situation. He'd certainly tried everything else. And now he had something new to ponder. So with a determined heart, he flung his covers to the side.

He groaned as he sat up, but thankfully the painkillers were starting to kick in and they allowed him to stagger to his feet. He took a few minutes to sort out his balance and stability, and then made himself comfortable on the cool, plushy blue meditation cushions.

With a shaking hand he began to light his candles. The golden embers bathed him in pure, warm rays, and the dancing flames upon a stage of white scented wax relaxed him. He let out a steady breath, shifted into an easy lotus position, rested his hands on his knees and closed his eyes.

Withdrawal tugged on the edge of his mind, demanding attention but he refused it. Three days! Three whole days! He wasn't going to let Valium control him any longer. And he was not going to give in to the self-harming calling for him either. He was going to beat this; he was going to show everyone _he _was the one in control.

He began to think about last night's events, the kiss, the female killer, the African-American victim, the Foot Soldier, Somehow he knew there was a huge clue he was not getting. Well that was what he was here for.

Who was that woman who kissed him? She seemed so familiar. He wished he had heard her voice clearly. He also didn't. If he knew who she was, what would happen? Would she kill him in case he blabbed? Did she want him to help her?

And what did she mean by 'Not long now'? What wasn't long? His death? Her freedom? He couldn't tell anyone about this, especially not his brothers. They'd freak and never let him out of the lair again.

Why did she murder these people? Did she just get a thrill out of blood? Did she enjoy killing women and raping men? Leo felt sickened. If this was so, why did she not come earlier when Tokito Rei was present?

He was a Foot Soldier. Did that kink him in any way to the murders? Or was it just random? What if Michael Clarke was a Foot Soldier too? As far as Leo knew, Foot Soldiers were generally classed as unemployed, because if they admitted they were part of a bloodthirsty ninja clan, they'd either end up in prison or a mental asylum.

So say this Clarke was a Foot Soldier. Would this be a coincidence, or a clue? Were all these girls related to the ninjas? Wait; even better, were they all linked romantically? Were all these girls dating or married to Foot ninjas?

It seemed very likely to Leonardo. It was definitely a major clue, better than nothing anyway. At least he had something to go on now. And if he were wrong, well, he'd just have to go back to the drawing board.

Now he had a sign, what was he going to do? Did he really want to tell Donny about his breakthrough? He didn't really want to talk to anyone at this moment in time. He just wanted to be left alone whilst he was still rediscovering himself and his meditation.

After his mini-triumph at solving the mystery, he felt quite relaxed, like he didn't have to worry about that little detail anymore. He felt so relaxed in fact; he could feel his body and mind slip into true meditation at last.

Mikey almost had a heart attack when he walked past his open door. At first he thought his elder brother had gone catatonic again, but then he realised his shoulders rising and dropping gently as he breathed. And then, the youngest turtle nearly cried.

He knelt in the doorway, and just watched. He watched his brother meditate and regain himself, a wide smile on Mike's lips. He knew their Leonardo was slowly returning to them, slowly but definitely surely.

Don and Raph had come to a mutual bond after Raph's misunderstanding. Raph would have gone to apologise, but when he saw Leo deep in meditation and Mikey watching him devotedly, he couldn't disturb either of them.

So Raph merely squeezed Mike's shoulder tenderly, brotherly and went on his way with Casey for a relaxing game of snooker. He felt kind of guilty going out to enjoy himself and leaving the others at home but he knew he needed his recreation time too.

"Hey, you did post my letter, didn't you?" Don asked him on his way out.

"What let – oh yeah, yeah I did," Raph replied absent-mindedly, buttoning up his trench coat.

"Great, thanks. Have fun," Don waved his hand dismissively. The he winced, realising he'd just done something Master Splinter used to do.

"Will do. Yo Don, Leo meditatin' is good, right?" Raph asked cautiously. Donny looked up from his laptop and smiled widely.

"Raph, it's very, very, _very_ good," He confirmed. Raph grinned wolfishly.

"Rightio, see ya later. C'mon Case,"

Don shook his head fondly as the two hotheads left for their snooker. He sighed and pushed down the lid to his laptop with a satisfying click. He couldn't remember being this proud of his brothers at any one time.

He was proud of Mikey, for staying the ever cheerful, ever comedic, ever loving Mikey that he was. He was proud of Raph for looking after them and keeping them in check. And he was so proud of Leo, of how far the eldest had come in such a short while.

And himself? Hell yeah he was proud of himself. Don knew he had also done good, caring for them and being there for them. They were eventually bonding back into the brothers they once were before their Sensei's death.

To Be Continued

A.N: All done hehe! Sorry this chapter's been a little late guys, I've had my GCSEs and stuff. Well I go on holiday for two weeks next Friday (the 30th) so I'll try my damn hardest to get another chapter up before then. Love you all, take care!


	15. I Wasn't All The Things

A.N: Terribly sorry for the late update guys. After I got back from my holiday a couple of weeks ago, I've had slight writer's block on this thing, but don't worry, all is overcome! Lolness so here's chapter fifteen. And to those of you who haven't read my newest (And also longest) one shot, Little Blue Duckling, please do. Don't be put off by the slash, it's not brother/brother I swear, and it's not graphic or anything, just romantic and fluffy. But anyway lol, here's your chapter.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Fifteen

I Wasn't All The Things

Days passed, five to be exact. And with it, four murders. It was the morning of the fifth day, and they had yet to discover details about the most recent murder. It was still early daybreak; everyone in the lair was just starting to rouse themselves from their slumber. Except Raven of course, she'd been awake a while and wanted everyone to know it.

Leonardo would have dragged himself out of his warm, comfortable bed to tend to her, but he knew he was better off staying in Donatello's good books. It had taken all his willpower, but Leo had managed to stay in bed and do exactly what Don had instructed. Well, what with starting to meditate again, and listening to the resident doctor, he knew his brothers thought very highly of him at the moment in time.

In addition to this, he had not swallowed one pill or cut himself for a whole week. Sure it was hard, and it continued to get harder, but seeing the look on his brothers' faces when he meditated instead of asking Don for Valium, made it all worth it. He couldn't ever bring himself to destroy those hopeful expressions.

He had only gone catatonic once more and it only lasted a mere thirty minutes. The 'dream' he had experienced whilst in this state simply echoed first meeting the New York Ripper. It was as if he wasn't allowed to forget her face. Not that he could help anyway.

He hadn't told his brothers of her, or his 'dreams', or his theory. He just knew these were things he had to keep to himself. They just wouldn't understand. They thought if he'd met the murderer once, he wouldn't stop until he'd met her again and defeated her.

He was vain enough to not want to cross paths with her ever again, but wise enough to know that was inevitable. His fate was intertwined with hers, and as much as he disliked it, he knew there was nothing he could do about it.

When Donny came to bring him breakfast an hour later, the elder couldn't miss the stunned and horrified expression on the scientist's face. Or if he had, the trembling hands that laid the tray of food onto his knees would have given it away.

"Who's been killed Don?" He asked quietly, as Don flopped into the chair by Leo's desk.

"My…my friend Poppy, Poppy Fairweather," He said, his voice numb as he stared blankly at the bowl of cereal on Leo's knees.

"I'm…I'm sorry Don,"

What else could he say? Donny was still in a state of shock; whatever he said would fall on deaf ears. Once Don had accepted Poppy's death, that was when he could comfort his brother.

"Her…her husband was with her. He…he was raped, and then murdered," Donny added, finally looking up into Leo's sympathetic eyes.

Another man this time. Leo wasn't sure if this Poppy was married to a Foot soldier, but he didn't want to suggest it. Who was to say his theory was even correct? It could have just been mere coincidence one victim was dating a Foot soldier. Still, he thought with a wry mental grin, Karai couldn't be too happy with a rival woman of power on the scene.

"It'll be ok Donny, the police will get to the bottom of this, and Poppy's murderer will get just what sh…they deserve," Leo smiled encouragingly, although he'd almost slipped. Don gave something of a smile back.

"Thanks Leo. Hey, c'mon, eat up, I was going to let you out of bed today seeing as you're doing well," Don grinned at Leo's awestruck face then laughed outright when he began to wolf down the cereal.

"Hey Don," He said in between mouthfuls as the engineer popped his painkillers out of the foil packet ready for after he'd eaten.

"Hm?" Don glanced up, his face expressionless.

"You think, 'cause I'm doing well, do you think I could just…have a couple of hours in the dojo? Please?" The elder asked, his face pleading.

"On one condition," Donny handed him the pills and he took them without hesitation.

"Anything," Leo stressed, setting down the glass.

"Someone supervises you," Donny took the tray with an air of firmness.

"You have _got _to be kidding me Donny!" Leo moaned, slumping back into his pillows dejectedly.

"I'm not kidding Leo. You could hurt yourself," Donny took to his feet. He hated setting such restrictions, but they had to be done.

"I can look after myself," Leo protested huffily.

"I'm sure you can but I'm not risking it. Are you getting out of bed, or not?" He asked, raising an eye ridge in sarcastic amusement.

Leo shot him a look of pure brotherly annoyance and threw his sheets to the side. He took his brother's offered hand and used it as an aid to pull himself to his feet. He stumbled dizzily, his head throbbing. Donny clutched his arm protectively.

"Whoa bruv, take it steady, don't be so eager," He smiled softly. Leo blushed.

"You try staying in bed for five days straight," He grumbled.

"Ah, there is no rest for a House Elf such as myself," Don sighed dreamily. Leo snorted.

"You read too much Harry Potter," He grinned none the less.

"A fellow fanatic like yourself should know after all," Don gave him a knowledgeable wink.

"I don't know what you're talking about, _Dobby_," Leo sniffed with an air of superiority as if he really were talking to a House Elf.

Don laughed and helped him to the living room.

Leo did indeed feel much better now he wasn't cutting or taking pills. The medication wasn't making him drowsy and he wasn't feeling guilty or bad tempered. He'd learnt how to treat the withdrawal like a minor illness he could easily ignore, like he'd done so in the past.

Sure, it meant he had to meditate for hours to totally calm himself down instead of breathing easy after only a few minutes thanks to a quick fix, but it was worth it. The serenity lasted a whole lot longer, leaving him refreshed and not even more depressed. He guessed he hadn't meditated for so long, he'd forgotten what it felt like.

And, he hated to admit it, but it had felt good escaping punishment for a while. He knew that was wrong, but not having to worry about hurting himself felt pretty damn good. His brothers had told him countless times he had no reason to think about himself. He mattered too right? Sure, not as much, but he mattered. He wondered if just living was punishment enough. A part of him hoped so.

Standing alone in the dojo a few minutes later, he decided he couldn't wait for whomever Don was sending in to supervise him. It'd probably be Raphael anyway. He felt too _alive _to wait. He wanted to feel sweat dribble down his forehead. He wanted to feel cool air play with his bandana tails. He wanted to feel his swords in his hands once more.

His hands trembling in excited anticipation, he reached forwards to take one of Don's practice staffs from its rack. He would start slow.

"I see you are a little impatient, dear friend," A cheerful, slightly familiar voice came from nowhere.

Leo jumped half a mile out of his shell and his hands collided with the racks. They tumbled to the floor in a crush of wood, and he spun, breathing erratically to face the person who had startled him so badly. His heart plunged in terror.

"Usagi," He breathed.

Indeed, it was the honourable rabbit samurai. He hadn't aged much, but Leo supposed it was hard to tell. His old friend was smiling sympathetically up at him, and Leo felt his blood boil slightly. His eyes flickered to the short katana strapped at the rabbit's waist, then back up to his soft russet eyes.

"You truly are a little under the weather, old friend," Usagi gave a sad little smile.

Leo gulped, knowing full well he was shaking in fear. What was he doing here? They had heard nothing from him in the past four years then all of a sudden he turns up on their doorstep, as cheerful as if nothing had happened. Leo knew he shouldn't resent this; after all, they hadn't made much contact with him either, but still.

He didn't want to face his old friend. He wanted a crack in the floor to swallow him whole. He didn't want this creature's pity, he didn't want his lectures. Sure, he'd missed his wise company, but he had always felt inferior to the samurai, and this time was no exception.

Usagi had also been friends with his master. Surely he was going to condemn his actions, resenting Leonardo for as long as he lived? Was he here to demand Leo commit Seppuku, and he would be the turtle's second? Leo didn't feel he had the bravery to do that anymore, he didn't even know how he could have thought about it in the first place.

But if that was the samurai wanted, who was he to argue with his betters?

"Leonardo-san, relax," Usagi frowned, holding his paws out in a peaceful gesture.

Leo felt his breath coming in gasps, his chest constricting. He was so scared. He let out an audible noise of fear and stepped backwards into the wall when the rabbit took a step towards him.

"I am not going to harm you," The older animal murmured softly. To prove this, he slid his weapons from their sheaths and tossed them to the floor.

Leo turned his head away from those eyes. It was as if he could sense the hatred emanating from Usagi's aura. He wanted to run away, long and fast and hard, but his possibly former friend would definitely catch him, especially in his injured state. He knew he'd done wrong, he knew he deserved to die!

Oh, if only he hadn't been selfish, and punished himself! That way, maybe Usagi would leave him alone?

Usagi furrowed his brow when he saw Leonardo's frightened eyes waver once towards Raphael's blunt practice sais on the wall, and then once to his own blades on the floor. He knew what the turtle was thinking; Donatello had explained everything to him when he'd arrived.

Still, he couldn't help feeling taking Leonardo by surprise was the wrong course of action. They had predicted his reaction wrongly; they had expected him to be cheerful and pleasant, his temperament a little more calm and stable now. They didn't realise he was still jumpy and easily frightened.

"Your brothers tell me this is your eighth day without self-harming or taking any pills, is it not?" He asked gently, taking another cautious step forwards.

Leo nodded numbly; realising Usagi was talking to him as if he was suicidal, in soft, soothing tones. It made him panic more, was it the calm before the storm? Was he trying to lull him into a false sense of security and then let him have it?

"Then we do not want to ruin your rehabilitation, do we?" Usagi reached a hand ahead, noting his friend's wince, expecting a harsh backhand.

Leo couldn't stop the whimper that escaped his lips when the rabbit took his hand. Why was it so hard to breathe? The urge to drive a metal edge into his flesh flared, as strong as ever. He needed to get rid of this fear, and fast. He didn't care how he did it.

"Come, sit with me," Usagi ordered tenderly, tugging firmly on his hand.

Leo stumbled, his eyes clenched shut as tightly as they allowed. There was something about that voice. Through his terror, he realised there was no malice in his friend's tones. He genuinely cared for him. He sat clumsily, frantically looking everywhere for a source of peace as Usagi placed himself before him.

"Leonardo-san, look at me,"

Leo jumped; as he felt soft, padded paws cup his cheeks. Gasping for breath, his heart thumping in trepidation, he glanced into the rabbit's eyes. His chest shuddered, fighting for air. The panic was overwhelming him, throwing the little control he had gained in the past week straight out of the window.

"Breathe with me," The rabbit instructed tranquilly. He sat, cross-legged, opposite.

He took in a deep breath, slowly filling his lungs, puffing out his chest, then exhaled just as measured and controlled. Leo tried, he really did. But he couldn't deprive himself of oxygen long enough to draw in a sufficient amount. He panted, his eyes burning, panic swamping him.

"You are not trying hard enough Leonardo-san," Usagi reprimanded him lightly. "Try again,"

This time, Leo breathed in at the same moment as his friend, inhaling for similar times, and then letting it all out. It became slightly easier and he breathed with the samurai, relaxing his heart and soothing himself. He was grateful for his friend's support, he didn't think he'd have been able to do it on his own.

Usagi smiled tenderly as Leo blinked away the tears. They ran over the paws that still cupped his cheeks, getting lost in the snow-white hair. The rabbit leant up on his knees, and caringly pulled the upset teen into a hug. Leo stiffened, and then relaxed as his wet cheek brushed against the cuddly fur.

He buried his head into the triangle of white under the rabbit's neck, clutching his robes tight. The pelt soothed him like his Sensei's fur; only this was softer, not as coarse as rat hair. Usagi rested one paw on his shell, and the other on the back of the turtle's head.

He didn't mind that the boy was holding him a little too close for comfort; he knew a hug was what he needed. The joy of seeing their elder brother getting better had driven the thought that he still needed a little comfort and patient reassurance out of their minds. Usagi didn't blame them, he'd probably react the same.

"I think you needed that my old friend," He smiled consolingly as Leo withdrew, wiping his eyes, blushing.

"I'm sorry, and…and thank you," He hung his head, cheeks red.

"That is what I'm here for," Usagi told him kindly. Leo nodded.

"I've wanted to do that for days," He admitted with a sigh.

"I can imagine," The rabbit remarked wryly.

"Why did you come?" Leo asked, looking fearfully up into his friend's russet eyes. Usagi sensed the dread in the younger martial artist's question.

"I came for you and your brothers. But of course, if you had notified me of your Sensei's death when it first occurred, I wouldn't be so late," His voice was tranquil and amused, but Leo recognised the scolding underneath the peaceful exterior. After years of realising when his Sensei said one thing and meant another, Leo could spot it a mile off.

"Forgive me, it did not cross my mind you would care for a hopeless turtle clan," He said, bitterness at himself present in his voice.

"I couldn't care more Leonardo-san. I'm disappointed you would think that of me," Usagi sighed at the self-hating expression on the eldest turtle's face.

"I'm sorry, I just figured you'd be busy with your own problems," Leo murmured, blushing in shame.

"There is a lesson you should learn about friendship Leonardo. It is equal. No friend is worth more than the other. It is like a child's seesaw, it cannot function without someone sitting on the other side. When one person shares their problems, their side raises," Usagi explained gently.

"But doesn't the other side go down?" Leo frowned, a little confused. It sounded like Master Splinter's Japanese proverbs.

"Yes, it does, but it goes back up when the other person returns the favour. Do you understand?" Usagi asked, observing the teenager turn the information over in his mind.

"I think so. So it's like a balancing act? When one person is up, the other is supporting them, and vice versa?" Leo looked up and received a nod in confirmation.

"Yes, very much so. So, to bring this into perspective, I am here to listen to your problems, raise you up and support you," Usagi smiled when Leo nodded in understanding.

"Thank you, and I suppose this is your way of telling me my relationship with my brothers is like a seesaw too?" He asked accusingly, smiling nevertheless. Usagi chuckled.

"You always were very astute," He grinned, showing teeth as white as his fur. Leo smiled back, a little sorrowfully.

"I know my brothers are here for me as much as I am for them, I just need a little more time to accept that idea," He confessed, glancing bashfully into Usagi's understanding eyes.

"You've had nineteen years of thinking otherwise, that is understandable. But tell me something Leonardo-san, why do you think so lowly of yourself?" The rabbit questioned compassionately.

Leonardo mentally groaned. This was the bit he had been dreading, the personal questions, the analysing, and the lectures on self-esteem. He thought he'd been lucky.

The truth was he wasn't scared of Usagi himself anymore, no. He was scared of what the rabbit samurai might say, in case it sounded too much like his old Sensei. They were both raised and extremely wise in the ways of old Japanese tradition after all.

"Why _don't _I think so lowly of myself?" Leo said with a sorrowful sigh.

"Very well, I shall rephrase my question. Is there anything about yourself you admire?" Usagi questioned, watching his friend closely.

Leo sat and thought seriously hard. He'd never actually pondered what he _liked _about himself. At first he couldn't think of anything, he despised everything. He hated what he looked like, what he thought, what he said and did. But then he thought of something.

"I…I admire my loyalty to my loved ones," He said eventually, not exactly sure if that counted.

"But you doubt that since the death of your Sensei, do you not?" The rabbit challenged. Leo nodded in defeat.

"Leonardo-san, let me tell you something that does not leave this room," Usagi sighed, taking his hand in his own paw.

"Go on," Leo urged, his heart thudding anxiously. He had never seen his friend look so beaten.

"When I was younger than you, sixteen, and I was still in training, there was a powerful sorcerer who lived as chief in my village. If anyone opposed him, he made them kill their loved ones with his dishonourable sorcery. I managed to defeat him a year later, but not before he made me slay my mother," Usagi smiled sadly at Leo's shocked gasp.

There he was, thinking no one he knew understood that crushing, resenting, guilty feeling he experienced when he thought about murdering his own father, when here all along, was Usagi-san, who knew exactly how he felt.

But Usagi wasn't depressed and detesting, or self-harming and substance abusing like he, Leonardo, was doing. So what was different? He knew it wasn't because Usagi was cold and heartless, far from it. So what gave Usagi a reason to live a life free from self-hatred?

"I…I'm…" Leo couldn't force the words out; his tight throat wouldn't let him.

"You are sorry I know, thank you. But why don't I hate myself you ask? Because every time I remember my blade plunging into my mother's heart-" Here they both gave involuntary shivers. "-I also remember something she used to tell me. Whenever I was upset at myself for doing something wrong, she would take me into her arms and say 'Usagi-san, we all make mistakes, but our worst mistake is letting our self hatred and depression over power us, until it's all we know',"

Leo felt his tears run down his smooth cheeks, just as he saw the saltwater drip from Usagi's eyes and down his own furry ones. He was right, his mother was right. He'd been stupid. He needed to get over himself.

These things happen. He had been drugged! He hadn't had control of his actions that night, just as Usagi hadn't his. These deaths hadn't been their fault at all. And Keiji and those murders, they had nothing to do with him! He'd _tried _to save Keiji's life; he wasn't to blame if the Shredder was merciless. And the recent New York Ripper murders, just because his name had been scrawled on the walls, it didn't make him responsible!

And he didn't owe it to the victims to defeat their killers, he didn't even know them! He felt bad about Don's friend, but there was nothing he could do, it wasn't in his hands. He had to leave it to the police now. They would bring justice.

This time, it wasn't his place.

"You know what," He looked up and smiled widely through his tears. "Your mother was right Usagi-san,"

"She always was, although I hated to admit it,"

The rabbit grinned, knowing he'd finally got through to his friend. He'd took a risk, he could have made him even more depressed and thinking he was pathetic, wallowing in self-pity when he, Usagi, didn't, but the turtle hadn't. He'd made him realise he didn't carry the world on his shoulders, and no one expected him to.

"Come, let us train together,"

To Be Continued

A.N: Aw I like Usagi hehe. Lolness I hope y'all like it guys, hope it was worth the wait. Please review, thanks! Love you all.


	16. I Tried To Make Believe I Was

A.N: Thanks for all the great reviews guys, you rock! Sorry this chapter's a little late but you know how it is. And I recently got my GCSE results so yeah lolness. But anyway, hope you enjoy.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Sixteen

I Tried To Make Believe I Was

"Just shut the hell up and let me handle this," She snapped irritably up at him, scowling from her place behind the dark mahogany desk.

"That's what you said the last time this happened 'nd you've done fuck all but spread your legs!"

As soon as the words thundered out of Hun's mouth, he knew he'd made a mistake. His employer narrowed her dark emerald eyes into slits at him, resting her elbows on the wooden surface before her and pressing her long fingers together. She glared at him with an air of utmost hatred.

"Are you the one in charge of our humble little clique, Hun?" She asked, her voice soft and falsely sweet. The huge man gulped.

"No, I'm not," He replied, barely audible.

"Then…shut…the…fuck…up,"

Her voice was like venom, and the most fake smile was plastered on her blood red lips. Her eyes gleamed with a silent warning, and Hun actually felt genuine fear. He _was _scared of her. He knew he shouldn't be, her father had made it very clear to her Hun was to remain her second hand man, whether she hated him or not.

But there was something, a merciless, vengeful, murderous, _passionate _something, that made Hun frightened of her.

"What am I supposed to do? The fools are scared shitless! They're only doing what you say 'cause they'll be killed if they don't! Men are disappearing everywhere, takin' sudden trips t'visit relatives. They're gettin' out of hand!" He rumbled, leaning forward over her desk.

She got to her feet, leaning in the same position, their faces inches apart. His breath repulsed her but she tolerated it. She knew she was making him nervous and flustered, being so close and intimidating, and it amused her.

"Promise them raises, vacations, anything, whatever it takes. I don't care. Just keep them in check. That's what I'm paying you for," She replied haughtily.

She already knew of her employees' worsening cowardice. It was getting harder and harder to raise their morale, and more and more subjects were beginning to disobey her, and it annoyed her to say the least.

All her life she had been taught you get far in life if you just shut the hell up and accept orders and punishments as they come and keep your head down. But she was lucky now if no one had reported riots and rebellions at least once a day.

Hun was right, they were terrified. Two of their comrades had been murdered now. One, they might've gotten over in time, but not two, especially not one after the other. They feared for their lives and she knew it.

But she wasn't too bothered. She knew all this would end soon, she could feel it. And then they could go back to business, no fear, no anxiety, no doubts. Just hard, cold, loyalty without question. _That _was what she was paying them for.

"And the murders?" Hun probed, standing straight, his experienced lamebrain recognising when the walk was coming to an end.

"I told you. Leave it to me," She said lazily, lounging back into her large, black leather chair.

Hun nodded, but he was sceptical. He knew he was being dismissed when she arched a thin dark eyebrow at him. He bowed his colossal form and took his leave, barely fitting through the door.

She sighed exasperatedly and seized the almost empty bottle of amber liquid and unscrewed the lid, her attractive but cruel face set into a scowl. She took a large swallow and set the cap back into place, flinging the thing back on her desk irritably.

Her father never had much trouble. But then again, there was never a mass murderer on the loose whilst he controlled the Foot. She half wished there had been, that way she'd know what to do. She was genuinely at a loss; even Hun was getting pissed at the way things were running. She'd have to think of something, and quickly, before things really started getting out of hand.

It was very early morn but already she could see the blanked sky beginning to lighten into a dull grey purple. Dawn was approaching, and she hadn't slept yet. She was feeling quite tired and knew she had nothing important scheduled for later.

She wearily climbed to her feet and made her way to her private quarters. She truly hated this building. As much as she loved New York, she longed for the simple, traditional structures of her native Japan. She hated all these skyscrapers and cold metal walls. If she realised she was homesick, she didn't dwell on it.

She shut the door behind her and instantly began to undress, flinging her clothes into a corner. Pulling an old shirt over her head, she crossed to her wardrobe and flung open the oak doors. She eyed her collection of clothes, some elegant, some casual, some for business, mostly all Japanese. She favoured her culture's clothing over the foreign American.

She fingered the dark silk of her favourite kimono. She wore it so often lately; it was beginning to fade and was getting a little threadbare. But she would not throw it away. This kimono held a lot of memories and secrets, and it would probably collect a few more along the way. It was one of he few gifts her father had bought her.

She frowned at a particularly darker stain on the dark material. It just refused to budge, no matter how hard she had it scrubbed. It seemed it was determined to cling to the smooth fabric. Maybe it was supposed to be a reminder, she didn't know. But surely that was stupid?

Shaking her head so her straight black hair whipped her face, she shut the wardrobe doors and made her way to the bed. She clambered between the sheets gratefully and settled down, clapping out the lights.

She dreamt that night.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Where're Leo and Usagi?" Mike wondered to his second oldest brother.

Raphael was flicking through an old magazine from a selection April had brought. Sure, they were women's magazines, but some of the true-life stories were quite interesting, plus Raph secretly enjoyed reading the horoscopes. There was only Leo who read them and even he didn't take complete heed of them.

Donatello had locked himself up in his lab, mourning his friend in his own way. They would give him his alone time just for a little while, and then they would drag him out and begin his recovery process. Sure, Poppy Fairweather was a valued friend, but only that. Don would be just fine in a few days.

Michelangelo was bored to say the least. April and Casey had gone shopping, taking baby Raven with them, so playing with his 'niece' was out of the question. He wanted to spend a little time with their rabbit friend, catching up and so on, but the youngest turtle knew the Samurai had to be with his eldest brother at this moment in time.

"Usagi's givin' him some Reiki," Raph shrugged, most of his attraction absorbed by the article he was reading.

Reiki, Japanese healing involving strengthening energy fields. It fascinated Mikey. Master Splinter had often given them treatments after illnesses and injuries. Mike had always wanted to become attuned, and he knew Leo did too, but neither had had the nerve to ask their Master. Now, it was too late.

"Oh right, how long have they been at it?" Mike asked, opening the fridge door and sticking his head inside. It was almost empty but he scrounged a can of cola and planted himself at the table.

"About an hour, should be done soon," Raph replied, flipping over the page.

Mike shrugged and pulled one of April's magazines towards him and sipped his cola.

Half an hour later, he dropped his empty can into the trash bin and went to find their friend. Passing his Sensei's room, he stared through the open door into the scene unfolding inside.

Everything was back in its rightful place, it wasn't empty any longer! Leo was putting everything back in, he was returning all of their Sensei's belongings. Usagi was helping, fixing tapestries onto the wall. Leo's face was set in grim determination.

"W…what are you doin'?" Mike stammered in shock. Leo flashed him a small smile from placing candles on the bedside table.

"I don't need reminding anymore, and they belong in here, it was wrong of me to take them," He explained quietly.

"Remindin' of what?" Mike questioned softly, stepping inside and fondly fingering the leaves on one of the small and delicate Bonsai trees.

"What I'd done. Or more precisely, what I _hadn't _done," Here, the eldest gave Mike a wide smile.

Mikey grinned goofily, fighting the urge to run and glomp his big brother so tightly he almost suffocated. He finally understood! He finally accepted their Sensei's death was through no fault of his own. Mike knew they couldn't celebrate yet, Leo would still be rather depressed and insecure, but the youngest turtle just couldn't help it.

Once Leonardo was satisfied everything was perfect (Which took a very long time), they walked to his room, just out of curiosity. It was bare. It was just how it was when their father was alive, and Mike hated it. There was nothing to show whom Leo was, nothing at all.

Leo didn't seem to mind at all; in fact he seemed happy about it, there was nothing of his master's anymore, no more reminders, no more nightmares. Sure, the bareness looked odd after a year of being full to the brim, and their voices echoed a little, but it was a small sacrifice to pay.

"You've done well my friend," Usagi smiled, clapping him on the shell.

"Well? Bloody brilliant!" Mike gasped. Leo laughed, yawning visibly.

"Come, we shall rest now. Donatello will be angry with me for allowing you to over exert yourself," Usagi chuckled, putting an arm around his shoulders and guiding him towards the main room.

"Where _is _Donny?" Leo asked Mike, a hint of panic shining through. He was concerned for his sibling, wanted to comfort him.

"Relax bruv, he's with Raph. Raph decided he'd been alone in that lab of his for too long," Mike answered gently, laying a hand on his shoulder. Leo nodded, calming down.

When Donatello and Raphael emerged from the lab ten minutes later, Don wiping his sore and streaming hazel eyes, a strangely quiet lair greeted them. They shot each other a puzzled glance and walked into the main room.

Usagi was perched on the couch; Leonardo curled up against him in his lap. He was clutching the rabbit's robes tightly in his sleep, burying his face into the soft white fur, slumbering soundly. Don frowned, watching him.

"Where's Mike?" Raph asked the Samurai, flopping down into his regular armchair and swinging his legs over one of the faded arms.

"I'm not sure. When Leonardo fell asleep, he grinned mischievously at me and vanished somewhere. I would have gone after him but-" The rabbit motioned towards the turtle in his lap.

"He'll be up to somethin'," Raph shrugged carelessly.

There was a few minute's silence, save for Leo's deep breathing. Then Don spoke.

"He's regressing," He murmured, staring intently at the sleeping leader, arms folded with one hand cupping his chin.

"Say what?" Raph pulled a face.

"He's regressing," Don repeated, indicating Leo with a nod. "Look at him, what does he remind you of?" He asked quietly.

Raph stared at his older brother, then realisation dawned, and it wasn't pretty.

"…A little kid," He whispered eventually.

"Exactly, a little kid. Can you ever remember him cuddling up to Sensei like that?" Don murmured, his voice dismayed.

"Ah can't remember him huggin' Sensei…at all," Raph replied, his voice surprised.

"What does this mean Donatello?" Usagi mumbled, absent-mindedly stroking the nape of the eldest turtle's neck with the back of his paw, where it was softest.

"It means we shouldn't commemorate Leo's recuperation just yet. If there's anyone here who's missed out on a childhood, it's Leo. Not having a childhood can seriously mess you up, take Michael Jackson for example. One of the reasons he enjoys childish things and children's company is because he wasn't a normal kid, he didn't have friends his age, he didn't play children's games or anything like that, he was forced to grow up too fast, like Leo.

"Leo didn't run to Sensei for comfort when he had a nightmare, he didn't cuddle his dad when he was feeling sad or lonely, he didn't talk to him about his fears, hopes, how he really felt. He grew up too fast; Splinter was more of a teacher than a father to him. It's partly Sensei's fault for making him mature too quickly, and it's partly Leo's fault for letting him," Don finished with a sigh, rubbing his face wearily.

"How do you know all this?" Raph wondered, his voice low and dark.

"Just an educated guess formed from evidence gathered over the years. At first I didn't think it had affected him beyond unquestionable obedience and such, but now I can see it has affected him more than I imagined," Don nodded towards his brother again. "He's subconsciously clinging to you, Usagi, as if you were his father. I wondered why he hadn't done so before, and now I understand. It's because he's had no one treat him like a son," Donny looked sympathetically at the rabbit.

"But I have not treated him like a son, I've merely consoled him," Usagi frowned, grey eyes dimming in confusion.

"It's in his subconscious. He doesn't mean to do it, but he associates comfort and consoling as something families do, not friends. He's not as close as we are to Casey, so Casey doesn't comfort him, and he sees April as a big sister, we all do actually, but whereas we know she is still a friend and there are certain boundaries. He sees you, Usagi, as a father figure, and his subconscious craves the fatherly attention he was denied as a child. Does all this make sense?"

Numbly, Raph and Usagi nodded.

"So, what now?" Raph mumbled, suddenly feeling very annoyed.

Just when they thought it was safe to breathe and feel luck was finally going their way, something creeps up to drag them down again. Now it was this. Leo surely was one messed up turtle. Raph wondered if Leo would ever truly get rid of his mental demons, and he hated himself for thinking it.

"I don't know," Donny admitted truthfully, smiling apologetically at Raph's horror-struck face. "I could just leave him to it, let him be, but I think that would make him worse. Or I could work him through it, like stop him when he's behaving in that way. In any case, it requires much research," Donny sighed again and sat down on the other couch, rubbing his temples.

What a day this had turned out to be! First Poppy's death, and now this. Everything seemed to be going so well, Leo was coming along just fine, and then this happened. Donatello couldn't help but wonder if Usagi's coming had contributed just a little to their problems.

"If you think my presence would hinder his rehabilitation Donatello, I can easily leave," Usagi murmured, unintentionally holding Leonardo tighter.

"Oh no, definitely not. Yes, he only started regressing when you came here, but you've already helped him so much, we'd be mad to ask you leave," Don smiled, shaking his head. The rabbit nodded in understanding.

"I don't believe this, someone out there _really _doesn't like us," Raph groaned, scowling at the ceiling.

"Hey, I just thought, you know how Leo wanted a pet?" Don said suddenly. Raph looked at him.

"Yeah?" He asked slowly.

"…Kids always want pets," Don explained darkly.

"For fuck's sake!" Raph snapped, turning his eyes back up to the ceiling. "Our nineteen year old brother has the mind of a _five _year old,"

"I wouldn't go _that _far," Don raised an eye ridge.

"Yet," Raph spat.

"Why are you always so pessimistic?" Don asked irately, hands on hips and glaring down at his brother.

"You're the doctor, you're not s'posed to _pretend _t'be _opti_mistic," Raph hissed back.

"Don't be stupid Raph! I'm not a doctor!" Don argued.

This was typical Raphael. Only twenty minutes ago he was holding him as he wept, and now they were quarrelling. It infuriated the brainy turtle, couldn't the guy choose a mood and be done with it? Apparently not.

"Please, I don't think this is the correct time to discuss such a topic," Usagi interrupted with a raised eyebrow. Donny blushed and Raph looked away, scowling.

There was an awkward silence. Leo mumbled in his sleep. No one knew what to say. But what _could _they say? Each of them was processing this horrifying new information in their heads. What else could they feel but anger, and worry, and fear?

They all looked up as Mike bounded in, a huge grin plastered on his lips, his eyes sparkling. He was obviously extremely proud of himself. Raph raised a suspicious eye ridge at him, and Mike fixed his face into a look of supreme innocence.

"What did you do?" Raph accused immediately.

"Nothing brother dear, unless you count doing Leonardo the hugest, most amazing favour out of the goodness of my massive and loving heart," Mike sang, beaming like a Cheshire cat.

"What did you do?" Raph repeated bluntly.

Mikey didn't answer; he merely bounced over to his sleeping brother and gently shook him awake. When Leo realised where he was, he shot away from the rabbit as if he were white-hot. Raph didn't have the heart to snigger at him.

"Dude, I gotta surprise for ya!" Mikey chirruped, his voice hurting Leo's tired brain.

"Sorry?" Leo mumbled, wearily rubbing his eyes.

"I've got a surprise for ya man!" Mike grinned, taking his hand and dragging him to his feet.

Leo stumbled dizzily, but he allowed his baby brother to pull him along, wondering what on earth his surprise could be. He couldn't help but feel a little worried, Mikes 'surprises' tended to be bugs in Raph's bed or something similar.

He vaguely registered Mike pushing him through his own bedroom door, looking as if Christmas had come early. He peered inside, heart sinking in fear.

He felt sick. What he found was much worse than bugs in his bed.

To Be Continued

A.N: Sorry about the lack of action in this chapter. Hope you enjoyed all the same. Thanks for reading and please review. Take care, love you all.


	17. I Wouldn't Be The One To Kneel

A.N: Would you believe this chapter is over a month late? I'm sorry guys; you wouldn't believe how stressing and unorganised sixth form is. I've already had to drop one lesson because my singing lessons were scheduled at the same time and I couldn't do both. And Leo was far too upset about the state of his room to speak, and Raph was too pissed off to make sense. All is well now though lol. But anyway, thanks for the fantastic reviews, and here's the next chapter. Hope you enjoy.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Seventeen

I Wouldn't Be The One To Kneel Before The Dreams I Wanted

"Cash thank yous only please!"

Leo barely heard him. He was fighting down the urge to throw up dinner. He felt exposed, vulnerable, ashamed. He looked from wall to wall and his mouth grew paper dry. He felt grateful to his brother for trying, but this was just far too much.

"Dude, don't ya like it?" Mike frowned, his grin and cheerful mood quickly vanishing. Leo gulped, his horror must have shown in his face.

"I…I love it," He lied, flashing Mike a false smile.

His youngest brother's face instantly lit up once more. Leo couldn't hurt his feelings and tell him the truth. Mike didn't have to do this and try to make him feel better, but he had. It wasn't his fault Leo loathed what he'd done.

"Great! I knew ya would bro!" Mikey chirruped. He clapped his elder brother on the shoulder and left him staring at his room.

It was horrible, terrible even. He just wanted to rip it all down, tear the things to shreds, but it would break Mikey's heart. He'd have to put up with it. He'd suffered Master Splinter's belongings for a year, surely he could handle this?

Michelangelo had taken every piece of canvas he had ever splashed a stroke of paint onto and tacked them to his bare walls. Every painting he hadn't thrown away was displayed for all to see. There was that one he did of his bloody swords, Lady Liberty righteous and burning under a furious sunset, Donny absorbed in a book of physics, Raph lovingly polishing his sais, Mikey cradling a bowl of pancake batter as if it were a baby, a Japanese temple overrun with flames, a black rose with droplets of blood licking its delicate silky petals, amongst others.

"You don't like it do you?" Raph's voice asked quietly, coming up behind him. His tone was almost cold and Leo nearly flinched.

"Raph, he's…he's put _my _paintings up on show!" He murmured distraughtly. He indicated the rectangles of canvas with a disgusted wave of his hand.

"So?" Raph shrugged, clearly not seeing where his brother was coming from.

"_So_? How would _you _like it if I put up paintings by an artist _you _hated on _your _walls?" Leo snapped, rubbing his face wearily and in frustration. He then stared miserably at his walls.

"Dude, your stuff's good!" Raph shot back irately, glaring at the other turtle.

"Good?" Leo repeated in angry horror.

He stalked towards his paintings, thrusting fingers out at them and poking and prodding at flaws only he could see.

"Look! I should have raised your head higher, the petals on that rose don't even look real, and Lady Liberty looks fucking pregnant!" He thundered, eyes burning.

"So they're not perfect, big deal! Why does everything have to be perfect to you?" Raph asked snappishly, trampling up next to his to see if the Statue of Liberty really did have a protruding stomach. She didn't of course.

"Master Splinter said if a great ninja couldn't strive for protection, then there's no point in striving in the first place," Leo answered bitterly.

Raph didn't answer at first. Master Splinter had never told _him _that. He wondered if his father's proverb had caused Leo's perfectionist attitude. And then he realised it probably only encouraged it, Leo had been like it as a child, before they had started their Ninjitsu training and Don had diagnosed him with mild OCD as well.

"He's not here anymore, y'don't have t'worry 'bout bein' perfect t'please him no more," Raph said softly, his rage immediately fading when he saw the tears in his brother's eyes.

"You don't understand. I can't get it out of my head. His voice, he keeps telling me, if I don't get everything one hundred per cent perfect, everyone I love will die because of me, because of me!" Leo glared fiercely into the paint-Mike's emerald eyes. "I can't let that happen Raphael, never," He whispered.

"Dude, that's the disorder speakin', 'n' you know it," Raph sighed jadedly.

"What disorder? I don't have a disorder," Leo argued, squaring his shoulders in defence. But he knew he'd spoken too quickly.

"C'mon Leo! You ain't _that _stupid! After eighteen years bro, surely even _you _know you're obsessive compulsive!" Raph cried, grabbing his shoulder instead of punching him, which was what he really wanted to do.

"Obse-? I am _not _obsessive compulsive!" Leo yelled back, scowling at him through tearful, narrowed eyes.

"Alright then bruv, what d'_you_ call gettin' obsessed with everythin' bein' perfect then panickin' when it ain't?" Raph demanded, eyes ablaze. Leo's heated frown faded a little into passiveness.

"Ok, so I'm a slight perfectionist, get over it, but I am not obsessive compulsive," He replied huffily. Raph snorted in a mixture of disbelief and amusement.

"Slight perfectionist? Dude, I give up! What does it take t'get this simple info into that thick skull of yours huh? Do I need t'get Donny in here? Do I need t'get the expert in t'explain it t'you?" He scoffed.

"I don't have a disorder!" Leo screamed, seizing his younger brother by the biceps. Finally, he began to cry, the tears snaking their way down his flesh. "I _know _I'm depressed, I _know _I'm addicted to drugs, and I _know _I haven't got a disorder!"

"Dude, depression and drug addiction ain't even the half of it! I've lost count of all the shit Don's diagnosed you with! Y've got PTSD, and regression, and OCD, and chronic depression, and paranoia plus loads more! Man, he'll say y've got schizophrenia or some other shit next!" Raph snapped, his throat hoarse.

"I haven't got schizophrenia! If there's anyone with multiple personalities around here, it's you! You're the one being all loving and caring one minute, then screaming and punching things the next!" Leo argued, letting go of the younger turtle and coldly turning away from him to glare tearfully at the Manhattan skyline in one of his works.

"I'm moody and temperamental, there's a big difference Leo," Raph snarled, clenching and unclenching his fists. The urge to sock him one straight in the face was becoming hard to fight.

"Oh yeah, of course there is, it's you we're talking There's always different rules for you isn't there?" Leo remarked dryly.

"What the fuck's that supposed to mean?" Raph demanded fiercely. Leo spun on his heel, his face as livid as Raphael's.

"You know very well what it means!" He cried, his eyes burning once more.

"Oh not that Splinter shit again!" Raph threw his arms into the air in exasperation. "So the guy gave you a tough life big deal. Get over it!"

"Get over it?" Leo recurred cynically. "Get over it? Let _me _freakin' lecture _you _about perfection and failure, let _me _tell _you _you've disappointed me for letting one of your brothers get injured, let _me _nevertell _you _I love you or I'm proud of you, let _me _make _you _secretly train for hours on end to please me, and let's see _you _fucking 'get over it!'" Leo shouted, his oesophagus gravelly.

He'd never felt so angry. He knew his brother was dying to smack him, if the clenched fists were anything to go by. But why couldn't Raph understand? He didn't have a disorder! It was just the way he was. He was born this way. Besides, people with OCD didn't need to train and be perfect. No, they had to wash their hands five times or pack a bag and then unpack it over and over or something.

No, he was fine! Well, if you call depression and drug addiction fine.

"Dude, stop exaggerating! No way was it that bad!" Raph bellowed, actually raising his hand. But he quickly thought better of it.

"Go on then Raph, punch me! I saw you just now! Go on, I know you're desperate to!" Leo bawled frenziedly, tears finally breaking free of his unyielding grasp.

"I don't hit sick people," Raphael's voice was quiet, his face hard as he stared straight and unfalteringly into his brother's wet sapphire eyes.

"I'm _not _sick!" Leo screamed, throat sore. Then he clenched his eyes tightly shut, squeezing the tears out. He looked away, to the dirty floor, and when he spoke once more his voice was so soft Raph strained to hear it. "I can't be,"

"Why huh? Hamato Leonardo's so high and might now he is above illness?" Raphael snapped irritably.

What did Leo have stored up in that stubborn head of his that made him think he needed to be impervious to sickness? He hardly ever got sick, even when they were young. Don had always said he'd had the best immune system out of the lot of them.

Of course that was seriously weakened once he was ambushed and had to recover at Casey's farmhouse. It had been winter, and dangerously freezing, especially to those cold-blooded. Ever since then he'd been a lot more sensitive to the chill and had developed sniffles and colds all over the place.

But he still hadn't been truly ill, like contracted a bout of flu or a stomach bug or something similar. Until recently when he refused to eat and sleep properly, of course. Donny suspected it was because he hadn't given his body the strength to fight off any foreign bacteria.

Nevertheless why did Leo refuse to admit he was ill? Raph already knew part of it might be because Leo despised being helpless and looked after. But he knew that wasn't the whole story. There was something hidden deep away.

And to put it frankly, it was seriously pissing Raphael right off. He was sick to death of all these Splinter issues. So the guy hadn't had the best childhood, big deal. Things were over now between father and son, concerns unresolved and never to come up between them again.

Looking into those wet and shimmering sapphire eyes, Raph knew he had hurt his brother. And then he also realised Leo wasn't as strong as he first thought. Of course, he knew that as soon as he discovered Leo's self-harming trick. But he never truly noticed he was _nowhere near_ as strong as he first thought.

Still, Raph found it hard to believe their father could behave in such a way. But he also knew Leo wasn't lying. He could never lie. Sure, he twisted the truth a little and what he said was often riddled with metaphors and subtle truths and meanings, but he would never lie. It just wasn't in him.

Leo just wouldn't be able to let this Splinter thing go so easily. He just wasn't able to because it had affected him so much. An emotionally stronger being would have been able to cope with it all, accept death, accept end of services, accept the free life they'd found.

But not Leonardo.

Raph mentally sighed. They were trying so hard, but it seemed as if they were getting nowhere. Either Leo didn't want to get better or he'd simply just given up. Raph hoped it wasn't any.

"Of course I'm not," His brother whispered, his tone hurt and vulnerable.

"Then stop actin' like it! Y'ain't invincible Leo, you're gonna get sick sooner or later, mentally _or _physically," Raph answered huffily, glaring as Leo turned away yet again.

"He who believes he is ill will become ill,"

"For fuck's sake, not more shit Splinter used t'say,"

Leo ignored him.

"Besides, if I'm ill, who'll look after you guys?"

"Dude, what is _in_ that shit you're takin'? When will you understand we don't lookin' after no more? We're twenty next year for fuck's sake! Twenty!" Raph thundered. He had to bring his fist back down once more.

"I _need _to Raphael!" Leo cried distraughtly, hugging himself so tight Raph could see his fingers digging into his biceps.

"What do you mean you _need _to?" The younger turtle snarled, flexing his long and wide fingers.

"I don't have a place in this family Raph!" Leo groaned, staring into his brother's chocolate eyes. Raph frowned in confusion.

"What are you talkin' about? Of course y've got a place in this damn family," He spat in exasperation. Leo shook his head.

"No, no I don't Raph, don't you see?" Leo looked at him mournfully. "You all have your places, even now, with Master gone. Mike's the cheerful one who's always playing pranks and reading comics; he's the _fun _one. Donny, well, that's just plain obvious, he's the genius. You? You're easy too, you're the rebel without a cause, you know? Total freedom, no ties to anyone you don't want. And me? I'm nobody,"

Raph's need to knock some hard sense into his older brother suddenly vanished. He didn't know exactly why, but he had an inkling it might have been of the way Leonardo was holding himself, like a lost and lonely little lad.

"Don't be stupid Leo, you're –"

"The artist? No, it doesn't feel right. I don't feel like I belong anymore. Hating my work proves this Raph. I'm no artist," Leo gave a bleak sigh. "When I was the leader, I had a place, someone to be. Now Master Splinter's gone, I don't have that authority anymore, it's gone too, I've got nothing. I thought I _could _be the artist. When Master was here, I thought my real place _was _an artist, struggling to be free, trapped and crushed under all this weight and responsibilities."

Raph gave him an incensed glance. Still over dramatic and poetic.

"But then, when it was all gone and I could work freely on what I thought was my soul's release, I just found myself craving Master Splinter's lectures on leadership and things. Not because he gave them me as a punishment, but because it gave me that authority, that sense of who I am. I don't have that anymore Raph.

"Sure, I'm the eldest, still the one who trains the most, well, when you let me that is, but that doesn't give me my family position. Age doesn't mean anything here. If Mike were the oldest, he'd still be Mike. I think now my age was just an added bonus you know? Eldest protects the family and all that. I think if I were younger than you, I'd still have been chosen as leader if I retained my personal qualities.

"So that means I was _born _to be the leader no matter what. Yes I know that sounds cheesy and bigheaded but I know it's the truth. Just as you guys were destined to be who you are, I was chosen to be leader not just by Master Splinter, but also by fate itself. How can I deny that and pretend my life is with my art? I can't.

"And now that Sensei is no longer with us, I've lost _my _leader. And because of that, you don't have your leader anymore either. I'm sorry about that, but I know you don't want one anyway,"

Leo licked his dry lips and blinked away his tears. He was vaguely aware of Raphael softly taking his hand in both of his, squeezing tenderly. When the younger turtle spoke his voice was quiet and cracked with raw and rare emotion.

"I never knew you felt that way," He whispered.

"You never asked," Leo replied a little coldly.

"You could have said something," Raph answered snappishly. Leo looked at him tiredly.

"Would you have listened?" He asked calmly.

"Of course I would," Raph huffed. Leo raised an eye ridge.

"No, you would have put it down to my depression, like you're doing so now," He corrected serenely.

"Well y'werent feelin' like this before everythin' happened!" Raph shot back, hurriedly letting go of his hand.

"I've told you why. Were you even really listening?" Leo mumbled, looking at the floor.

"What kind of a question is that? What sort of a fucky brother do you think I am?" Raph cried irately, the urge to throw his fists in Leo's direction reappearing in full glory.

"Forget I said anything Raphael," The elder breathed.

He turned to go; downcast face hung low, tears sliding down his cheeks. But his brother firmly grasped his wrist and purely refused to let go, his hold harsh. Leo stopped dead in his tracks.

"How the _hell _am I supposed to just forget it?" Raph sneered heatedly.

Leo looked once at Raph's hand wrapped tightly around his wrist and sighed, feeling the saltwater drip onto his lips. They stared at each other for a while. Sapphire to chocolate. Both so different, yet both so alike at the same time.

"Why won't you let me go?" Leo asked a pure and simple question.

Raphael was no fool. He saw the metaphor as clear as crystal.

"It's stormy outside," He murmured.

"The storm will end soon," Leo whispered sadly.

"Not yet," Raph replied solemnly.

"Why not?" Another pure question.

"It's not finished yet," The temperamental turtle was getting tired of speaking in images.

"When will it be finished?" Leo tried to keep the fear out of his voice. He knew he'd failed when Raph gave him a soft, sympathetic smile.

"Not for a while yet, but it will soon, I promise," He said quietly.

"You think so?"

"I know so,"

"What if you're wrong?" The eldest's fear grew in strength and this time he didn't try to hide it.

"I'm never wrong,"

" Yes you are,"

"Not this time,"

"What if it never ends?" Leo asked miserably.

"No storm lasts forever Leo," Raph said sternly.

"This one might," Leo argued dejectedly.

"Trust me Leo. Give it time and patience, and the storm will pass and the sun will come out again," Raph gave him an encouraging smile but he still looked doubtful.

"You know as well as I do that's not gonna happen," Leo sniffed stubbornly.

"And _you _sound as if you don't _want _it to end," Raph raised an eye ridge accusingly.

"Of course I want it to end. More than anything," Leo rasped, his eyes suspiciously distant.

"It won't end overnight Leo, you know that," Raph sighed wearily. Metaphors could be confusing.

"It could," Leo offered a little brighter, focussing on his brother once more. Raph shook his head.

"If it did, a worse one is bound to come in its place," He replied philosophically.

"How so?" Leo frowned in perplexity.

That was it for Raphael. He was irritated, he was tired and he was bored of speaking riddles. Leo might be frightened of saying the actual words but he certainly wasn't, far from it. In fact, he thought Leo needed to hear them as a wake up call.

"For fuck's sake Leo! You _know _what I'm talkin' about! If you commit suicide, it'll just fuck everythin' up!"

He didn't know what to expect as a reaction. Anger, yelling, tears maybe. Anything but what he actually received. Total calmness, peace, no tantrums, no nothing. In fact, Leo was almost passive. So he wasn't scared of the word suicide after all.

"I won't 'fuck everything up'. It'll just make things easier," He sounded as if he was talking about taking a shortcut on one of their training runs or something. It surely pissed Raphael off even more, sounding so casual.

"'Easier?' How on this damned earth will you toppin' yerself make things _easier _huh? You really think we won't give a damn if you go? Well you're wrong, ok? Fuckin' wrong!" He shrieked furiously, his own tears of antagonism brimming.

"You'll get over it. You got over Master Splinter," Leo shrugged carelessly.

Raph let out a growl of frustration, seriously at the end of his tether. Unexpectedly, he seized Leo's leather sword strap lying across his plastron. He dragged his brother's face so close he could feel his terrified gasp. He ignored the obvious flinch of fear, and when he spoke, his voice was disturbingly low.

"Let me tell you a little secret here, _Fearless_," He hissed the last word, clearly mocking the term and its meaning. "I love you _hell _of a lot more than I _ever _loved him, ok? And I can _guarantee _you, so do Mike and Donny. So don't you _dare _tell me we'll 'get over it', 'cause we won't Leo, _never_,"

On the last word, he released his grip, letting go with a tiny push to the chest. Leo stumbled a little but regained his balance quickly, staring at Raph as if he'd only just realised he existed. Raph glared back, his eyes blazing with emotion.

"I love you too Raphael, but what about me? I've lived so long putting you guys first, and now I'm tired of it, so tired, but I can't stop. Is it really fair?" Leo whispered tearfully, gently nursing where he had been shoved.

"_Life _isn't fair Leo. I thought we'd gotten past all the suicidal thoughts," Raph said, rubbing his temples wearily.

"No, I just downplayed them for Usagi and you guys," Leo admitted, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

"How many times have we told you not to hide shit like this Leo?" Raph gave him an exhausted look. "This is why you ain't getting better, 'cause you ain't _talkin'_ to us. How d'ya expect us to help when y'don't tell us what's wrong?"

"I usually know what's wrong with you guys without you telling me," Leo said quietly. Raphael's guilty expression secretly pleased him.

"Yeah, well you know us better than we do you, but whose fault is that?" Raph asked slightly huffily, clearly meaning Leonardo for hiding his emotions for the past nineteen years.

"Master Splinter's?" Leo offered coldly.

"How is it his fault?" Raph demanded with a scowl.

"He was the one who told me emotions interfered with leadership," Leo shrugged nonchalantly.

"You didn't have to listen to him," Raph pointed out.

"No? If I didn't listen to him, you'd be dead right now Raph and you know it," Leo scowled, folding his arms. Raph knew he was right. If Leo had let emotions get the better of him in a battle, they'd _all _be dead now, and they'd have been dead for a long while.

"Why do you _still _listen to him?" Raph sighed, shaking his head once more.

"You know why. I can't let him go," Leo mumbled tiredly.

"I'll make him go," Raph said determinedly, his voice almost threatening. Leo shook his head.

"You can't do that," He muttered.

"I'll try my damned hardest," Raph glowered forcefully.

Leo gave a long, weary sigh and marched straight out of his room. Raph growled in annoyance as he heard the front door open and shut with a slam. He shot Lady Liberty a furious glare and stalked into the main room, grumbling irately under his breath.

He made to storm past the sofa and televisions but the sound of the news report blaring from the screens caught his attention. They were all watching TV, Michelangelo, Donatello and Usagi.

It all seemed so normal for a second. Mike's eyes were fixed on the screens, mouth hanging slightly open as it always did during a Teen Titans marathon. Donny balanced his laptop on his knees, his furious typing halted mid-way. But then Usagi's presence and the actually television programme ruined Raph's sense of normalcy.

Licking his dry lips, he forgot it for the moment and leaned on the back of the couch, his eyes falling on the images laid before him.

"…I'm afraid to say the NYPD still have no leads on these horrific murders. Chief Constable Arthur Rower says the police are doing all they can and…"

"There's been _another _murder?" Raph breathed, clenching his fists. His palms were becoming sore from the amount of times his fingertips had dug into his flesh.

"Why sound so shocked bro?" Mike asked dryly. Raph gave a shrug.

"I had hoped these murders would have come to an end by now," Usagi admitted, nose twitching dolefully.

"This is New York dude, no chance," Mike sighed, staring dismally at the reporter.

"…And now over to Macauley Robinson downtown…"

"Thanks Rachael. As you can see, it's pandemonium over here. The whole of the alley behind Fourth is completely cordoned off and police are running around everywhere trying to find even a hint of a clue. And yet another eerie message has been daubed on the…Can we get a shot of that wall? Can we?"

The four viewers watched the camera pan around the filthy alley. They could see the black and yellow police tape pulled tight, the officers rummaging desperately through trash. They saw the puddle of blood, oozing into cracks in the paving. The body had already been moved. Then they saw the wall.

Raph drew in breath through his teeth in a horrified hiss, eyes wide. Donny dropped the laptop with a loud, disheartening thud on the stone floor. Mike cried out into the silence. Usagi gulped nervously.

_I will kill you like you killed our fathers._

To Be Continued

A.N: Oooooh big clue. –giggles- I hope the length made up for the lateness of this chapter guys. And it's taken me ages to write; I hope it's worth it! So please read and review guys. Love you all.


	18. All The Talk And All The Lies

1A.N: Sorry about the lateness guys, I've had so much on with school and everything it's unbelievable, seriously. You'd have thought I had a bit of spare time over Christmas, well, think again. I think I lost some readers with Black Balloon. Either that or people don't know it's updated lol. Well if you don't, it is! So go check it out! Anyway, there's only two chapters left to go after this! We're almost home! Anyway, on we go.

Writing on the Wall

Chapter Eighteen

All The Talk And All The Lies

Leonardo gulped, his throat so tight he could hardly swallow. He felt so numb, so insensitive. He couldn't feel any emotion bubbling through his blood, not even anger or despair. Just nothing. An empty, endless nothingness, depleting, devouring, destroying his very soul.

He rolled over and closed his eyes tight, begging with any superior being that might exist. Surely this was a dream? No, a nightmare. He could jump off this building and wake up just before he hit the ground. Slowly, he reached over and pinched himself as hard as he could on the forearm.

No, definitely not a dream. There would be no jumping off buildings tonight. Well, not just yet anyways.

He sighed and rubbed his face wearily. Why? Why, why, why, why? He could ask that question for hours and only the mystic stars would twinkle in answer. If he wanted this mystery solving, it was time to act, and act fast.

But not tonight. He was exhausted from his argument with Raphael. And no doubt his brothers and Usagi would know about it by now. Donny would probably try to be analysing it and labelling him with yet another mental illness.

He didn't have any illness, he was just suffering some seriously fucked up luck. Someone up there must've thought his life was pretty boring so they decided to have a little dabble. Either that or they just didn't like him. Leo thought it was probably the latter, he'd never considered his life eventless, being a mutant turtle after all.

He flexed his back, feeling the rough, gravelly concrete underneath his skin. It felt so cold, so cold in fact it seemed white hot to the touch. Oh, if only it burned! If only it burned through and through and through. That way he'd never have to put up with all this.

Far off, he heard a crack of thunder, saw the matching spark of lightning out of the corner of his eye. Storm clouds were rolling in, beautifully ugly, purple, black, and daunting. The air around him was still warm, a summer storm was on its way. Hopefully it would correct the humidity.

It came before he could even prepare himself. It crashed like a tidal wave, a downpour of freezing, stinging droplets, like liquid shards of ice. He gasped loudly at the sensation, the wind carrying voices from below him through the atmosphere, merging them with its own furious roars.

He whispered her name over and over again. It was as if he was obsessed. She filled his mind and spilled over, until all he could do was laugh hysterically as if he couldn't believe it. Why should he be surprised if it were her? He should have realised it from the start of all this shit. Then he could have saved those lives, saved Don's friend.

He rolled on to his knees with a groan. He listened to the rain for a moment. Just the rain, nothing else. He listened to the soft patter as it hit his skin, and the harder thud in a result of contacting his shell. The he stood up and was gone.

He didn't know how he made it home in such a daze. It was all just a blur of rain and pain. He'd probably catch a cold for being out in the damp, but he didn't care. He didn't even remember taking off Raphael's coat in the midst of everything. He must've done though, because he came back soaked.

"LEO!"

He staggered under Michelangelo's sudden weight in a result of his youngest brother leaping on him as soon as he swung open the old mahogany door. He smiled wearily, patting Mike half-heartedly on the shell.

"About time yo'... Where's my coat?" Raph frowned, halting his tracks instantly the moment he saw his elder brother's bare, wet body.

"A rooftop somewhere, I think," Leo shrugged as Mikey withdrew. The youngest turtle stayed glued fast to Leo's side however.

With annoyed amusement, Leo watched the entire household begin to congregate right there in the hallway. April and Casey must have taken Raven to see Casey's mother. He'd noticed recently, it was only when _he _went out, not Raphael, not Donatello, no one but him. It was as if they expected him to come home in a bloody mess or something. Well, they were in for a disappointment tonight.

"Thanks Leo! That was my favourite coat 'n' all!" Raph grumbled amongst other, less intelligible, irate mutters.

It wasn't so much the welfare of his trusty old trench coat that really bothered Raph, but more the welfare of his elder brother. Coming home dripping and chilled the bone wasn't his idea of good health. And he had a feeling Leo just didn't care anymore.

He just didn't care about looking after himself. He didn't care about getting a good night's sleep, or a few square meals or even keeping a coat on in the rain. Surely he knew all this could make him sick? He must have done, otherwise he wouldn't make sure his brothers took care of themselves. So it was just himself.

And, to put it bluntly, it pissed Raph off. A lot of things pissed him off actually, that really was no surprise, but naturally Leo pissed him off the most. It was as if he had some vibe he didn't mean to let off, that just emanated annoyance in Raphael's direction. Either that or Leo did it on purpose, but Raph didn't think it was possible, was it?

Knowing Leo, probably.

"You should really get straight to bed Leo, and I'll turn the thermostat up and bring you tea and-"

"Donny, shut up," Leo sighed wearily. Donny closed his mouth with a snap. Leo shook his head in utter irritation. It never once crossed his mind Donny needed something to do to keep his mind off Poppy's death.

Who were they to tell him how to look after himself? He was the one who was supposed to do the looking after, not them. Who cares if he'd stayed out in the rain? It was no big deal, he used to be out in the rain all the time when Master Splinter was alive. They didn't care then, why should they now?

Then he remembered. Because they didn't _know_. He'd always waited until they were sound asleep in their warm little beds, capering about in dream land. Then he'd snuck out and basked in the liquid crystal as if it were his oxygen.

So that's why they thought him staying out in the rain was unusual. Because they never knew he did it. How could he be so stupid? How could he have gotten so angry with them for caring? But if they _did _care, wouldn't they know about his little outings by now?

Leo didn't care. He was just too tired, his mind brimming with thoughts of her and her only. He wanted to lie down, mull things over, form a plan. He didn't need his siblings hanging around as if he'd top himself any minute.

"Hey! Don't take yo' shit out on Donny!" Raph growled furiously, eyes glinting dangerously.

"I'm not. And I don't know what you're talking about," Leo huffed, glaring at his brother, matching him eye to eye.

"Don't play stupid bruv, we know ok? It was on tv, we know who it as much as you do," Raphael snapped crossly, giving his eldest brother the lightest of shoves.

So it was on the tv already. Leo shouldn't have been surprised. News like that spread like wildfire in New York City. The citizens didn't care if someone single handedly stopped some mugger, they cared about drama, about murderers, about gossip, about money, about showbiz scandals. Not heroes.

After all, just like the Green Goblin says in the Spider-Man movie, they love a hero failing more than the hero himself.

So what the hell were they still doing in the Big Apple? They'd never get recognition for the lives they saved, not in a million years. So why didn't they leave? Go someplace where no one would ever bother them, away from noise and pollution and crime?

Because New York was their _home_. Sure they didn't enjoy the stench of the sewers, but it was where they lived, it was they knew. They didn't enjoy ambushes from the Foot, but they were defending that which they loved. Sure New York wasn't paradise, but it was home.

And they could never leave home, it was all they had.

"Oh you know then, do you? Then you should also know this is _my _fight, let _me _deal with it," Leo hissed bitterly, facing Raph glare for glare.

"Leo, you can't do that!"Mike whined, clinging desperately to his older brother's arm.

"Are you fuckin' brain-damaged as well as suicidal? Three is no way I'm even lettin' ya outta this _house_, let alone go up there and beat the shit outta some whore," Raph growled threateningly, punching the air with his fist in a very violent manner.

"And that's your job is it?" Leo asked dryly, rolling his eyes. He felt Mike press tighter against him, seeking reassurance, and felt a tad guilty in a result of this.

"I agree with your brother, Leonardo-San," Usagi intervened calmly before Raphael could punch his big brother's lights out. It didn't help matters any however, because Leo simply turned on him.

"What the _hell _are you even doing here anyway, huh?" He spat, glowering at the rabbit Samurai. Usagi didn't flinch, merely kept his patient demeanor. "Does it give you some sort of thrill or something? Watching some hopeless clan fall apart piece by wretched fucking piece?"

"I can assure you Leonardo-San, that is not my motive," The rabbit murmured calmly, taking a step forwards.

"Sure it's not," Leo spoke sarcastically, raising his sapphire eyes to the ceiling once more.

Trembling with suppressed rage, Raph grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him so hard he almost stumbled. His grasp was tight, merciless, hateful. Leo scowled at him.

"We were gettin' somewhere Leo! We had gotten it into yo' head it wasn't your fault! So why d'ya feel this sick need t'go an' sort her out huh? You were more'n happy t'let the cops handle it when y'didn't know who it was! What's changed huh?" Raph demanded, shaking his brother so forcefully once more, Mike wailed and clung to his elder brother's arm as if in fear of Leo being shook apart or something.

"_Everything's _changed! Everything! How can you just sit back and let innocents get killed when you know it's her doing it?" Leo cried, clearly unperturbed by his brother's vigorous handling.

"Leo! It's none of our business!" Donny interrupted tearfully, understandably reminded strongly of Poppy Fairweather.

"None of our business? Then why the hell did she write that huh?" Leo challenged hotly.

"Because she wants to get _you_!" Raph answered, exasperated, as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.

"She can fucking have me!" Leo shot back in distress.

"Stop it Leo!" Mike suddenly sobbed. Leo turned on him viciously

"For fuck's sake Michelangelo, _grow up_!" He snapped coldly, wrenching out of his terrified hold. Mike gasped sorrowfully.

"Don't you _dare _fuckin' speak t'him like that!" Raphael bellowed, enraged, squaring his shoulders and raising himself up menacingly.

"You tell him to grow up at least once a day!" Leo argued, matching his brother's posture defiantly.

"This isn't about me! _I'm _not the one who's suicidal and all that shit!" Raph snarled, folding his arms across his plastron.

"If I'm pissing you off so much, then why don't you let me go and sort everything out?" Leonardo's tone and mood suddenly changed. He was quiet, depressed.

"'Cause suicide's wrong, Leo," Mike whispered sadly, taking his hand. It was snatched away hastily however and Leo's mood rapidly reverted back to argument mode.

"Mike, will you quit fucking hanging all over me like I'm Master fucking Splinter!"

He was on the floor before he even saw it coming. He spat the blood from his mouth and peered upwards, his eyes as narrow as they'd allow. Raph was panting, his knuckles red raw. The others were so shocked by the sudden course of action they could only stare in astonishment. Leo reached up and nursed his tender cheekbone.

"If you say one more hurtful word to that kid, I swear I'll knock your fucked up brains out!" Raph breathed heavily, rubbing his fist gently.

"That's the thing Raph! He's not a kid anymore, he's nineteen damnit! The more we treat him like a kid, the more he's gonna act like one!" Leo pointed out, his jaw throbbing like hell.

"He's _always _been the baby, since when did you start carin', Fearless?" Raph demanded snappishly.

"Since I woke up one morning and I realised we didn't have a father anymore," Leo scowled, still on the floor.

"It's ok now Leo, _we're _ok, we don't _need _a father anymore," Donny murmured, taking a step forwards as if dying to make sure Leo was ok, as was in Donatello's nature.

"_I _do!" Leo cried shrilly, as if he were a little boy once more.

"And you're tellin' _Mikey _to grow up? For fuck's sake bro, just listen t'yerself!" Raph spat in disgust.

Leo opened his mouth to give a defiant retort, then shut it with a snap, thinking hard. Turning everything he'd just said over in his mind, he realised. He'd been acting like a spoilt brat when things weren't going his way. He _couldn't _have his father back, no matter what how much he wanted one. It was too late. He was gone.

It was time to accept that.

"I'm sorry," He whispered, fingering his sore cheekbone.

Raph closed his eyes for a few brief seconds, expelled a sigh and then opened them again. He clicked his tongue with an air of annoyance then shook his head.. They didn't _need _this shit. Life was bad enough without Leonardo on a suicide trip. Yet what could they do? Leave him to struggle on his own?

No, that was not the family way. But was forcing him to live each hour, day by wretched day, again and again, the family way? Was demanding him to suffer through every shattered second when all he wanted to do was be at peace, the family way? With a sickening horror, Raphael understood.

And when he looked up into Donatello's heartbroken hazel eyes, he knew Donny understood too. They'd made a mistake.

"Look Leo, whatever you do, just don't...just don't go out, ok? I want you home," Raph sighed once more, running a hand over his head stressfully.

"Ok Raph," Leo murmured wearily.

"Promise me?" Raph urged, crouching to Leo's level to peer into his tired sapphire eyes.

"I promise," The elder turtle nodded quietly.

"Ok, now let's get you some ice for that,"

--------------

She sighed and took a swallow of the amber coloured liquid. She swirled it impatiently in her glass before setting it down on her desk. She was nervous. The feeling was pretty much new to her. She didn't quite know what to expect from him in his state of mind. Would he be clumsy and too depressed to focus? Or would it give him strength he never knew he had?

It was funny really when she thought about it. Imagine, the person you loved the most, was also the person you despised the most. That was what he was to her. The love/hate part of her heart. And it would always be that way, that was why she had to get rid of him.

She'd only been waiting a couple of hours and she was already getting agitated. She knew he'd come tonight though, she was just unsure exactly when. She knew he couldn't bear to wait any longer. He was like that, always eager to bring justice to the world. It was a shame she wasn't, really.

She'd initially planned on murdering his one female friend tonight, the O'Neil woman, or was it Jones now, she wasn't really sure. But she appeared to be harder to find than she first thought. She really should have been more discreet on that part of her plan but oh well, she had got what she wanted, he was going to come to her sooner or later.

At this rate, probably later. What was taking him so long? It was more than likely his brothers. She knew they'd be keeping a rather vigilant eye on him at this moment in time, that was what sort of family they were, nothing like hers. And she'd also heard rumours the rabbit samurai was staying with them too. Still, it was no problem. She knew he could get past them without much effort if he wanted to. Besides, if he didn't make it out tonight, he'd simply come as soon as possible. Nothing could keep him away.

She huffed and took another swig from her glass. It was almost empty, but she didn't want to be under the influence of alcohol when he arrived, that would just be plain stupid. And he never touched the stuff, so he was going to be downright sober, whilst she was drunk on bloodlust.

She tossed an irritated glance at the clock. It was very early morning and pitch black outside. She could hear the wind whistling through the windows, the rain roaring against the panes. Maybe he got caught up in the storm? But then a flash of light lit up the tempest sky. No, he wouldn't let a mere storm hold him back.

She began to tap her nails against the wood of her desk, the musical clicks not enough to drown out the weather's noise. This was ridiculous. She was already stressed with the amount of men coming to her and asking to quit. They were really frightened now, there was no denying it. But she knew it would all come to an end soon, hopefully tonight.

She considered asking one of the men to be sent up, she was getting a little bored. But on second thoughts, there was no need to waste energy before he came. And when he did, she would need all the energy she could muster. He was just as skilled as she was. Well, only in the areas of Ninjitsu of course.

She licked dry lips and turned her almond shaped eyes to the glass doors leading to her balcony. Rainwater was beginning to lap at the door, as if begging to be let in. It was suggested this storm was going to last for days. She hoped not, she didn't like working in the rain. But then again, neither did anyone else.

Then she saw him standing right before her eyes on that flooding balcony. Lightning made his dripping silhouette glow and she smiled at how angry he looked. So he'd come. He'd came to get her, just like she planned, Karai, the New York Ripper.

To Be Continued...

A.N: Whoo I finally revealed who it was! Most of you guessed who it was last chapter anyway lol. There was supposed to be something I wanted to tell you guys, but I forgot lol. So, um, anyway lol, there'll be two more chapters, maybe three, depends how long they'll be, and then we're finished! No more! And there definitely won't be a sequel to this, this will be the end! God that sounds sad lol. Anyway, hope you enjoyed and please read and review! Much love!


	19. All The Empty Things Disguised As Me

1A.N: Would you believe this is the second to last chapter? We're almost finished! Quite weird now I think about it really. All that time I spent worrying about updates, and I won't need to anymore. Well, not for this story anyway. I will for Black Balloon and Rose Tint My World but whatever. Hope you enjoy chapter nineteen.

Writing On The Wall

Chapter Nineteen

All The Empty Things Disguised As Me

Slowly, he slid the balcony doors open, if it was for dramatic effect or simply because they were stiff she did not know. She watched him step inside, soaking wet, that would be an advantage for her. He moved away from the wide open doors and turned to face her in the brightly lit room.

"I almost thought you weren't going to come," She raised a thin eyebrow at him, peering up at him from her desk.

"It was hard to get away," He reached up and squeezed the water from the sodden material around his eyes.

"I thought as much," She replied casually, watching him shake off the rainwater.

He opened his wide mouth to give a cool answer back but he closed it and cocked his head, listening to the tempest outside. He sighed in exasperation and she frowned in mild confusion.

"Go home Usagi-San," He snapped impatiently into the silence. She opened her mouth to question, who the hell was he talking to?

Then a creature stepped through the balcony doors into the dry light and out of the pouring darkness. His white fur was plastered to his skin and he dripped, his ears drooping in the cold. Calmly, the rabbit closed the glass doors and she understood. This was the Samurai her father had told her about.

"I'm surprised Leonardo-San, why were you not aware of my presence sooner?" He asked, wringing out his shirt. Leonardo-San rolled his eyes.

"Because you only just arrived," He answered with an air of boredom. The rabbit never missed a beat.

"Oh? If that is so then why didn't you notice my following you?" He persisted. Leo grit his teeth in annoyance.

"Because you took a different route," He snarled. Then he finally turned his shell on her to face his furry companion and she knew he was not pleased.

"Very good," The rabbit smiled cheerily, as if it were all one big joke.

"What are you even doing here anyway?" The turtle asked impatiently and angrily.

"I'm here to accompany you of course. You know Raphael-San would not like you put on your own, especially here of all places," Usagi spoke as if it were a simple trip to the grocery store.

Karai watched in amusement. She didn't know why she was finding this funny, but it was. Maybe it was the way they were arguing without a care in the world, as if there wasn't going to be a fight to the death.

But the Samurai was a dangerous unknown. She didn't know his strengths and weaknesses and she didn't want to find out. She wanted the turtle, not the rabbit. Yet how was she going to get rid of him? She couldn't afford to send up reinforcements, her guests would notice and she couldn't risk her soldiers discovering who it was that had been murdering their partners.

That would certainly be a blow to business.

"I don't care what he thinks," Leo retorted defiantly, as if his brother was so unimportant right now there wasn't even a need to say his name.

"You promised you'd stay home Leonardo-San," Usagi reasoned gently, offering a paw to touch the younger warrior's arm. Leo jerked out of his reach.

"I lied," He replied purely and simply. The rabbit sighed sadly.

"Come home Leonardo-San, this is folly," He murmured.

"It's not folly! If I don't do this, she'll just carry on killing all those people!"

Usagi looked at the woman sat behind her desk as if he had only just realised she was there. She watched him cautiously as he ran expert eyes over her, noting her build, her outfit, her advantages and disadvantages. He must have been satisfied with their chances because, much to her fury, he merely turned back to his friend.

"_I _will fight her," He suggested casually. Leo shook his head.

"No. This is _my _fight, to save _my _home, _my _family, not yours. Mine," He argued furiously.

"Oh really Leonard-San, now is not the time to be fighting over whose battle it is. It's cold, we're both wet through and the dawn is about to arrive. Do you really think I _like _being here?" Usagi asked impatiently, tapping his foot in annoyance.

"I didn't ask for you to come along ok? You don't have to stay!"Leo retorted hotly.

"Forgive me Leonard-San, but you are clearly far more mentally unstable than I first thought. You are walking into death's hands!" Usagi stressed distraughtly.

"I can look after myself!" Leo cried in disbelief. His friend had no right to counsel him in matters he did not understand!

"You are sick! You need help!" The Samurai protested.

"This is _my _fight," Was all the turtle had to say in reply.

She was getting tired of this. She could see morning's first light begin to peer through the crevices in the storm. She had no time to waste. She didn't care about the animal's presence any longer, she simply wanted to feel the warmth on her hands once more.

"Either you fight me now Leonardo, or April O'Neil is next on my list," She snapped icily, leaning back and firmly planting black heels on the desk.

Leonardo tossed her a seething glance over his shoulder and she offered him a smug smirk in reply. Usagi sighed in exasperation as if she was the most annoying creature he'd come across, including that old rhino friend of his.

"For crying out loud Leonardo-San! We'll be here all night," He argued wearily. Leo sighed.

"Usagi, please, this is _my _fight, not yours, not my brothers', _mine_. I've accepted the death of my master, now let me put my mind at ease," He mumbled softly, begging.

Usagi looked into his friend's eyes, and found he had never felt sorrier for anyone in his life at that moment in time. He shook his head, knowing he was going to regret what he was about to do when this day was through.

"Don't expect me to stand back if you land yourself in trouble," He remarked with a raised eyebrow. Leo smiled gently.

"I won't," He whispered..

Karai smiled to herself as he turned to face her. Finally! She was finally going to avenge her father and get that turtle back for all the heartache he'd caused her, intentionally or not. Her eyes followed his movements whilst he reached behind and pulled the swords from their sheaths. The sound of death rung out through the silence.

She wrapped a slender hand around the hilt of the katana lying in preparation on her desk and raised it. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the rabbit step out of harm's way into the shadows. He worried her by the way he treated her as if she was insignificant. If she beat Leonardo...wait, of course she would! _When _she beat Leonardo, she'd probably have to do battle with the Samurai also. She'd have to be on her guard.

"Tell me one thing Karai, why did you do it?" He asked casually, testing the swing of his swords as if he were about to attempt a friendly spar instead of a match to the death.

"How else was I going to get you here?" She said just as lightly, climbing to her feet and walking around her desk.

Her office wasn't the best place to fight in. There was her desk, filing cabinets, displays, litter bins, paperwork, dotted here and there throughout the room. Manoeuvring was going to be difficult, even if she was on top form. And with the rabbit lurking around too, she was in for quite a workout.

"Don't you realise the pain you've caused these people? All these families without loved ones. My brother, I...I heard him crying late at night, and I...I..." Leo licked his lips, it was suddenly hard to talk. "I couldn't comfort him, because I knew I was to blame for not hunting you out sooner," He looked up and found he had tears in his eyes. He wiped them hurriedly. Now was not a time to cry.

"I lost my father too," She shrugged carelessly, making him bristle with anger.

"That doesn't give you an excuse to take another life," He hissed. To his surprise, she smirked.

"No, it doesn't, does it?"

"There's a difference. He was evil to the core, he deserved it. Those people you killed didn't," He replied, knowing exactly what she was getting at.

"And I suppose you didn't either?" She questioned sarcastically. She watched in satisfaction as his face fell and he began to drop apart right before her eyes.

Usagi held his breath, fearing Leonardo would begin to drift back into the depression that had snatched him from them. He was going to hyperventilate then go catatonic, he could see it now. But to his astonishment, and it gave him great hope, the turtle began to take deep breaths and calm down, just like the rabbit had taught him. The reptile's face was cold, determined.

"No. No, I didn't deserve it. I...I was a good student. I listened to him, I...I looked after them, I did my best and more. I did not deserve it!"

Usagi could have whooped for New York City.

Karai didn't even say a word. She heaved her sword high and dived into the attack. Leo only just brought his katana up in time, the crash of metal clanging through the air. He swung the other sword around with graceful speed but she fell back and entered the guard position.

He wouldn't wait to be assaulted so he lunged forward and drove inward, forcing her to block and dodge endlessly. She struggled back under his weight, moving swiftly and smoothly.

He felt cut off from it all. He could only feel the vibration from her sword as it clattered against his own and a dull throb deep in his head where he'd hit it a week or so ago. Everything else was just a complete blur.

He wasn't physically numb, not even thanks to the chilly wind and rain, no he could still feel his senses. It was his mind that was insensitive. He didn't feel angry or upset or any of it. Just a pleasant numbness. He didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

Withdrawal was loosening its hold on him now, slowly but definitely surely. He couldn't wait until it was gone completely, he was getting tired of the illness it brought with it. And if he thought about it, he found he didn't miss either of them anymore, cutting or drugs. It was all gone.

He wouldn't mind if he never purposely hurt himself or swallow a pill ever again. He'd eventually snatched back his meditation, and he wasn't going to let it go again without a fight as long as he lived. And he felt proud of that fact.

Sure, living and hanging around was still going to be the toughest thing he'd ever have to do in his entire life, and there would be times when he would want to plunge his sword into his aching, beating heart, but there would also be times when he would never want to leave their side.

And there was no way he was ready to die at this moment in time.

He fought with more fervour, the sound of crashing steel merging with the thud of their feet and their breathlessness. Usagi was silent, watching, waiting. They were so far evenly matched, she had turned out to be a lot more skilled than he expected. Soon one of them was going to get tired and make a mistake. Leonardo had a healing head wound, and she did not.

Leo slipped wearily and her blade tore through the skin on his shoulder. She grew cocky, blocked sloppily and he was able to direct a sword through her defence to slice the muscle below her collar and above her chest.

Blood ran to the floor, dripping and mingling, staining the beige carpet red. Their grips grew sweaty and they held tighter. Consequently, their arms ached with the tension. If this fight didn't have to be to the death, it would have been over by now.

She was growing tired and her wound was sore. She was also worried, very worried. She'd underestimated him, her biggest mistake. She had expected him to be weak with depression, unfocused and emotionally hurt. He _was _depressed and hurt, but far from weak and unfocussed. She'd walked into her doom.

She had to use her head now, otherwise it was just going to be a contest of stamina. As she locked him hilt to hilt, she flicked her eyes around the room, glancing the rabbit observing intently out of the corner of her eye. Then she saw her chance.

She broke the contact, jumping back and swooping in once more, high with battle fever as much as he was. The arm she had struck was refusing to co-operate so he threw that sword aside, facing her one on one.

Their pants and grunts filled the atmosphere, swords sang and blood dried on hot, sweating flesh. She worked him backwards, towards the tiles near the balcony doors. He let out a growl of frustration, nearly weeping with the strain of it all.

He swept his lone sword, and felt sure he was going to strike home. Then his foot came into contact with the wet blood on the tiled floor and he fell on to his shell with an almighty thud. She'd made him walk into a trap! His sword flew out of his hand as if it were possessed and lodged itself into the back of her mahogany desk. He made to roll away and jump to his feet but something in his ankle thought otherwise and he released a cry of pain.

He realised he wasn't going anywhere and looked at her smiling triumphantly at him as coldly as he could manage. He would not give in to the fear threatening to overpower him. He didn't look but he knew her sword was being raised ready for the final blow. He stared into her eyes, defying death.

"Have you got the guts?" He whispered, his throat unexpectedly dry.

"More than enough," And she lunged.

They'd forgotten Usagi.

Her sword smashed into the rabbit's and echoed throughout the room. She'd put hell of a lot of strength into that swing but he held her off as if she was nothing compared to him. He flicked her blade away with a jerk of the wrist and tilted the tip of the steel to her bare throat.

Leo scrambled out of the way, leaning on the wall and hauling himself up. His right ankle throbbed something chronic but he knew it wasn't broken, it was probably just bruised. He watched in morbid fascination as the rabbit held his enemy at sword point.

He was aware the Samurai had just saved his life, but he did not know whether to be grateful or not. He also didn't know if he wanted Karai to meet her end or survive another cursed night in this screwed up life.

To think that in a few moments it could all be over was completely absurd. After nearly four years of heartache and sleepless nights and endless, painful training, it could be finished in a matter of seconds.

He fought for his breath, feeling panic arise deep in his chest. If Karai was dead, the Foot threat would be truly over. They would have avenged Masters Yoshi and Splinter to the highest degree. He wouldn't have a reason to stick around anymore. His brothers would be safe, they wouldn't need him.

Why hadn't he thought of this before? How could he be so stupid? He couldn't let her die! It would be depleting his very reason for existing! He couldn't be here without her, he knew that now. She lived, he lived. She died, he died. Sure, he still felt suicidal, but he wanted to do that in his own time. If she died now, he wouldn't feel able to heal himself and bring smiles back on their faces.

"Usagi-San, don't!" He cried desperately.

In the split second when Usagi tossed a glance in Leonardo's direction, Karai stepped backwards and wielded her sword high to swipe the rabbit's head clean off his shoulders.

However, he was too fast for her and flipped his arm forwards. He sliced her across the throat with so much force her corpse spun, splattering the walls with so much blood. Her sword clanged to the floor, deafening.

Leonardo's breath caught in his throat in horror. Despite his ankle, he limped towards her and fell forwards on to his knees before her fallen body. Her eyes were wide open in shock, it had happened so fast. He stared at the gash in her throat, sickened.

Karai was gone.

Usagi wiped the blood off his sword onto his kimono, watching his friend. He did not feel guilty for the kill. He went to the phone on the desk, preparing himself to report the discovery of the New York Ripper. All the time as he spoke he kept his eyes on the turtle gawping at the corpse. Let the police find her body and fail to solve the mystery of the vigilante who dealt her justice.

Just as Leonardo was about to touch her stony face in awe:-

"Leonardo-San, it's time to go home,"

Leo snatched his hand away, then licked dry lips. He nodded, taking in a deep breath. He got to his feet, leaning on her desk to support his ankle. The cut on his arm was shallow, and had already clotted. He never took his eyes from her. And then he smiled.

So what if she was dead? He was free, they were safe. He didn't have to worry about her anymore. He didn't have to avenge the dead any longer.

It was over.

Epilogue To Follow

A.N: Only one chapter to go, and then this is all over too. Love you, take care.


	20. Stranger Than Your Sympathy

1A.N: This is it, the very last chapter. The reason it took so long is because it was longer than I planned, but that's alright, right? But um yeah, last chapter, no more. Hope you enjoy.

Writing On The Wall

Epilogue

Stranger Than Your Sympathy

"How's Usagi-san?"

"Better than you,"

Leonardo closed his mouth. So Donatello was still pissed with him. He'd thought as much if the brutal application of antiseptic was anything to go by. At least Donny spoke to him, Raphael had pretended he didn't exist. And Michelangelo? Leo feared he wouldn't be forgiven for a very long time. That hurt shell of a lot more than a sprained ankle and a gash across the arm. Now he was thinking clearly, he realised what a hateful bastard he'd been.

"I'm sorry Donny, but I did do it for you,"

All at once, Donatello's anger dissipated as if it were never there. He could never stay cross at anyone, especially not his brothers. He let out a weary sigh and continued re-wrapping the linen around his sibling's arm a lot less forcefully.

"To think one person's death could cause all this," He mumbled. Leo licked his dry lips.

"I didn't mean for things to go this far," He smiled sadly, eyes fixed on his swollen ankle.

"Que sera, sera," Donny shrugged, finishing the knot on the bandages.

"Do you think everything will get better now Donny?" Leo asked quietly, watching his younger brother kneel to tightly wrap his ankle.

Donny hesitated, his eyes staring at a crack on the grubby floor of his lab. Who was to say things _were _going to get better? Sure the Foot was gone, but would their family recover from the hell Oroku Saki had forced them to endure? Being an engineer before a doctor, Don didn't know. They _might _regain their trust, love, life and become a family once more. Or they might not, each of them might be snatched by the darkness Leonardo could not seem to escape from.

"I don't know Leo," He replied truthfully. "Things are hard right now,"

"Do Raph and Mikey hate me?" Leo hissed with pain as Don pulled the bandage tight against the swelling.

"No Leo, they're just a little disappointed with you, they don't hate you," The purple turtle reassured wearily.

"I didn't mean to break my promise,"

"Yes you did," Donny corrected sternly. Leonardo didn't try to say anything otherwise.

Donny tightened the knot and straightened up, allowing Leo to lift his bandaged ankle onto the bed. The younger boy crossed the chilly room to fish an icepack from the mini-fridge. He tutted at the sight of Mike's cola stash. He let it slide however and returned to the bed, the ice numbing his fingertips. He tenderly laid it in place.

"Now remember, RICE, rest, i-"

"Ice, compression, elevation. I got it Donny, you hammered it into our brains when we were six," Leo rolled his eyes in exasperation. Donny smiled softly.

"You don't need any Valium, do you?" He asked in a result of Leonardo leaning back and closing his eyes as if trying to keep everything under control.

"No, I'm just tired, that's all," He murmured sleepily.

"That's good. I am proud of you,"

Despite himself, Leonardo smiled. Those five words filled him with happiness and fulfilment. For the first time in his life he felt genuinely at peace with himself, felt it was alright to be Hamato Leonardo, felt it was quite acceptable to be less than perfect. He didn't need their father's approval anymore. But he could still hear Splinter's voice in his head. He wasn't gone.

"Thanks Donny," And he went to sleep.

Donatello shook his head and gathered up the leftover bandages. He carried them over to their respective drawers, listening to his brother sleeping quietly. After putting the rolls away, he reached into his belt and took out the bottle of Valium pills tucked away in the pouch where his shell cell usually was. He had thought he was going to have to give the elder a couple. But for once he was glad his calculations were wrong.

Taking a deep breath, he tossed them into the rubbish bin with a clang. He was finished with _those_. He wondered if locking his cupboards now was necessary but decided it was better to be safe than sorry. He sighed yet again and rubbed his forehead.

He hoped life was going to repair itself now. There was no Foot threat to distract them from healing their family. He was going to try his damned hardest to help mend their wounded souls, they were his brothers of course, and if he didn't do his best, what sort of a brother would he be? A pretty rubbish one, that was for sure.

Donny knew their elder brother was onto the pathway to recovery but whether he strayed or not was an entirely different matter. All they could do was help him up when he stumbled. It was going to be hard work and they were probably going to tumble a couple of times themselves but Donatello was prepared.

They were his brothers and that meant everything to him.

—

"Maybe we should be thinking about getting home soon Casey," April suggested to her husband, standing before him with her arms crossed.

"It was late morning, hours since Usagi and Leonardo had traipsed in out of the pouring rain, both exhausted, both exclaiming for Karai's death. Raphael was too furious to make sense. Michelangelo wouldn't speak to his big brother and Donatello was annoyed because the elder had disobeyed doctor's orders, _again_.

Usagi recounted the tale whilst Donatello saw to their brother. April could hardly believe it. Everything that jeopardized her friends' existence had been totally depleted. They could live moderately normal lives. Well, if they all got over their brother's depression. April knew they were going to need her and Casey hell of a lot more than ever now. And she didn't mind a bit, because they were their friends and she owed them her life and she loved them. That was never going to change.

"Yeah, don't wanna put on 'em any longer," Casey agreed, cuddling his baby daughter close to his muscled chest.

There was a swift knock on the door, light and brief. The couple looked at each other in confusion, who could that be? April crossed the room and let the visitor in. The light outside streamed into the dark room and Leonardo stood in the doorway, wearing a soft smile.

"Leo, you shouldn't be up," April reprimanded him, escorting their hobbling friend to the bed in a very motherly fashion.

"I'm fine April, it's just a sprained ankle, no biggy," The turtle shrugged as he sat down almost carelessly. April harrumphed but didn't say anything.

She and her husband noticed he seemed as if he didn't quite know what to say. Casey gratefully handed his offspring over to the turtle as a result of his arms beginning to ache from the rapidly growing baby. Leo accepted her, locking eyes with the beautiful little girl. She gave him strength he did not know he had.

"I'm sorry for putting you guys through this," He said eventually, looking up at them.

"Don't be silly Leo, these things happen," April sighed, rubbing her temples tiredly.

"That's what Donny said," Leo smiled gently.

"How does it feel? Y'know, with Karai gone 'n' everythin'?" Casey asked curiously. Leo frowned in thought.

"Weird," He answered finally. "I mean, I've never really thought about what it would be like with her gone because she was always there. Now she really _is _gone, it does feel weird, because there's no reason to fear the Foot any longer. New York will always be in danger of course, and there will be trouble over this, I just know it, but things will be better in the end,"

April positively beamed at him and Casey grinned stupidly, causing him to laugh. He allowed Raven to curl her pudgy fists around his finger. There was an odd silence save for the baby's coos and gurgles and they felt slightly uncomfortable, as if they did not know what to do with themselves.

"We were thinking Leo, we should be getting home soon," April put in gently. Leo nodded, it made sense - they had lives to get back to.

"Are you guys thinking of having any more children?" He asked suddenly, taking them by complete surprise.

"Well, not at the moment of course, but maybe...later," April replied awkwardly, confused as to why he would ask such a thing.

"You do know they're all gonna be majorly spoiled, don't you?" He grinned mischievously. Casey groaned, one headstrong woman was more than enough to be getting on with.

"You better not Leonardo," April warned sternly, but she was amused all the same.

"You shouldn't have decided to have children then," Leo chuckled.

April rolled her eyes and flopped down on to the bed next to their friend. She wrapped an arm around his shoulders and smiled as she watched him charm her daughter.

"Hey Leo?"

"Hm?"

"Things are going to get better now, aren't they?"

"You know what April, I think they are," He grinned at her and she chortled. "I'm gonna go check on Usagi, ok?"

He handed Casey his daughter back and April helped him limp to the door, despite his constant protests that he was perfectly alright. It was just mildly sprained after all, and he would be fine in a couple of weeks or so, but April Jones was April Jones at the end of the day, and she wasn't gonna change for anybody.

"Be careful Leo," She advised, opening the door for him.

"Hey April?"

"Hm?"

"Stop mothering me, you've your own daughter to worry about now," And he left down the hall to his room.

She smiled as she shut the door behind him, She couldn't help mothering him and his brothers. She had been an only child craving younger siblings, they were motherless teenagers craving a female parent. Of course she had Raven now but that simply meant things stayed the same only they had a niece and she had four uncles. And April liked it that way.

---

Leonardo licked his lips nervously. He hadn't spoken a word to Usagi since the fight with Karai and he didn't quite know what to say. Thank you? You bastard? He had absolutely no idea, but he did know one thing, he owed Usagi his life and he had been wrong to doubt his motives, he had been a true friend right to the end.

He took in a deep breath, knocked then slowly opened the door, shaking like a nervous puppy.

Usagi was perched, cross-legged, on Leonardo's bed, his delicate pink nose buried deep in a few old scrolls he must've found in the bookcase. He peered up as Leonardo entered, his facial expression unreadable. He watched in silence as the door was shut and the turtle knelt on the floor before him. Nothing was said for a few minutes and Leonardo wouldn't meet his eyes.

"I ask for forgiveness," The younger warrior whispered eventually, head hung low.

His heart was hammering so hard in his plastron he was sure Usagi could hear it in the stillness that followed his plea. He didn't know what to expect? Was he going to forgive or attack him? He felt frightened, knowing he was at risk of losing the best friend he was ever going to have, all over one stupid woman and their fathers.

Usagi sighed and laid aside the scrolls wearily. He was tired and was not in the mood for skirting around formalities and superior respect. He was going to be blunt and straight to the point. His young friend needed a serious wake up call and he was certainly going to receive one!

"Does our friendship seriously mean that little to you Leonardo-san?" He demanded, folding his arms. It amused him to see Leo's head snap up like that.

"What do you mean?" The turtle spluttered, eyes wide.

"I mean, I thought I meant more to you than this. You do not trust me, you swear and speak disrespectfully, you're not the Hamato Leonardo I once knew. I understand you are grieving the loss of your father, I can sympathise, but in doing so you have abandoned those that still live, too wrapped up in your sorrow,"

Usagi paused and moistened his dry mouth. He let out a saddened breath of air, watching the saltwater drip down his friend's cheeks in a result of realising the extent of his actions. He smiled slightly and brushed them slightly away.

"Your father is dead Leonardo-san, you must accept this now before it is too late,"

"I have, I _know _he won't come back," Leo croaked, voice cracking from holding back the tears.

"So you come to me seeking forgiveness, when there is nothing to forgive? We all make mistakes Leonardo-san, and loved ones will continue to perish no matter what we do. It is a part of life. You have avenged your master now _let him go_," Usagi stressed, letting his paws fall to his lap.

"I _have_! I just told you, I've accepted his death!" The younger boy snapped, rubbing his eyes angrily.

"But you haven't let him go. His voice still lingers inside your head and you still listen to him, even though it's not your master, it's your grief controlling you like he used to do. Why is it so hard to let him go?"

There was silence as Leonardo sat and mulled everything over, gnawing his lip. Usagi was right, he couldn't let Master Splinter go, he couldn't get him out of his head. But why? Everything was over now, why did he still feel like it was all wrong?

"I don't know," He whispered finally. "I just...can't,"

"If you can't let him go Leonardo-san, you will never recover," Usagi said solemnly. Looking at his friend's downcast face made him feel a little guilty, so he added "When you told Karai you didn't deserve heartache and death, I've never felt more proud of you,"

Leonardo smiled softly, feeling content and calm for the first time in ages.

"It's weird, knowing she's gone," He murmured.

"It will do, for a while. You know at first, I didn't feel shamed, but now I do," The rabbit admitted shyly.

"You shouldn't. She was as evil as her father. I know now I wouldn't have had the guts to finish her, even after she has done to us. You saved New York Usagi-san. And my family," He added as an afterthought.

"That consoles me. I understand you are free now, you could move homes, become a sensei, anything you want to do," Usagi mused lightly. Leo shook his head almost unhappily.

"I do what they do. Even if Master Splinter doesn't tell me to anymore, I will still take care of them. Someone around here has to," He explained.

"What about taking the easy way out?" The samurai wondered softly.

"What easy way?" But the ninja already knew.

"You know what it is,"

"I hope that path will fade soon,"

"I'm sure it will,"

—

Michelangelo sighed and held the two plushies to his plastron as tight as he could. He sniffed and wiped his emerald eyes again, even though they were red and sore. He leaned back against his pillow and looked down. His body was terribly scarred, and he hated those scars more and more with each passing day. They would always remind him of the terrors the Shredder had caused his family.

They used to be so close, so together. But that had gradually disappeared thanks to one evil alien and his psychotic daughter. Mikey had never thought it possible to hate someone so much, but he found it most certainly was.

But now their sufferings were over and Oroku Saki and Karai had finally been served justice, although it cost them a father and maybe even a brother. Mike didn't know what to feel, relief, happiness, fear, anger? He felt all of those emotions at once and wondered if he should. He glanced up at the swift and light knock on his door. He knew who it was and he wasn't speaking to that person. He just felt too upset with his oldest brother right about now. He had a feeling Leonardo knew this anyway.

"I'm coming in Mike, whether you answer me or not," Came the voice. Mike pursed his lips together hard as he was tempted to answer alright!

Leo opened the door slowly and stepped inside, gently shutting it behind him. He offered his younger brother a smile which wasn't returned and Mike turned back to the plushies in his lap.

"Mikey, please don't be like this," Leo begged quietly, taking a seat on the side of the bed. Mikey said nothing, just fiddled with the Splinter plushie's cane. Leo sighed.

"I had to do it Mike. She was killing all those people, I had to stop her before she killed you," He mumbled, taking Mike's hand.

"But you broke your promise," Mikey whispered, finally breaking his vow of silence. Leo smiled in understanding.

"Mike, is this less about my going after Karai, and more about breaking my promise to Raphael?" He sighed, watching his brother's eyes glisten with dammed tears.

"You never break promises," Mike muttered, rubbing at his eyes again.

"Don't rub, they're sore," Leo gently guided Mikey's hand back to his lap. "I told you Mike, I had to,"

"Yeah, but if you broke this promise, you might break others," The younger turtle argued, fumbling with his plushie's nunchaku this time.

"Like what?" Leo urged, squeezing the smaller hand.

"Like you promised never to self harm or take Valium again," Mike explained with a sniff.

"Mike, I know things are hard for all of us right now, not just me. If it's my ability to keep promises you're doubting, then I won't promise you I'm going to get better instantly and this family will be what it once was, because it's not that simple. But I _shall _promise you I shall try my hardest Michelangelo, whether you choose to take heart on that promise or not is entirely up to you,"

Mike let out a defeated breath and felt his older brother's calloused fingers gently wipe away his tears, and to his surprise more didn't follow. He looked up and offered the tiniest of tiny smiles. Then, shyly, he reached up and cautiously traced the three pale claw scars running down Leo's cheek, then allowed his hand to fall.

"Karai loved you," He murmured eventually.

"I wouldn't exactly have called it love Mikey. Maybe she was just as drawn to me as I was to her because we were so different to one another. I guess she just never had that feeling before," Leo shrugged. He'd wondered about that himself.

"It feels strange knowing it's all over now," Mikey mused thoughtfully, laying his plushies to the side and sitting up properly to face Leonardo.

"I know," Leo breathed, rubbing at the scars on his wrists out of habit. "Strange,"

Mike patted the space beside him on the mattress, smiling. Leo smiled in return and moved over to settle down next to his baby brother. Happy, Mike curled up against Leo's plastron, listening to the calm beating underneath the skin. He closed his eyes and breathed out in satisfaction. His big brother was back.

"Hey Leo?"

"Hm?"

"Will ya watch the Teen Titans marathon with me later?"

"Of course I will Michel,"

"Dude! For the last time, it's Michel_angelo_!"

—

Raphael raised the brown glass bottle to his lips and took a swallow. The bitter liquid ran down his throat, displeasing him. With an annoyed grunt, he flung the almost full beverage into the bin. He wasn't even thirsty! He was just drinking it to give him something to do with his hands.

He leaned on the counter top, sighed wearily and shook his head. It was late. April, Casey and Raven had gone home. Usagi and Don were fast asleep in their respective rooms. Mike was conked out snoring on the couch. And Leo? Raph knew exactly where he was.

He wondered if he was ready to talk with their elder brother yet. He'd just been far too pissed to even look at the 'Fearless Leader'. He'd simply pretended Leo wasn't there, that way he wouldn't risk venting out some of that anger on their depressed leader.

Raph clicked his tongue irritably and glanced at the clock. If there _was _a time for such a confrontation, now really was the time, when everybody else was asleep. And he knew his brother would be calm and willing to listen, because he was tired and finishing his recovered meditation. But Raph's temperament at the moment was a dangerous unknown.

Yet he knew he _had _to speak to Leo. He had to tell him of their understanding. He couldn't put it off any longer and he knew Donatello or Michelangelo could never talk to him about it, they'd end up breaking down. Raph knew it had to be him and he was dreading it.

Well, it was now or never. He made his way down the corridor, wondering what the hell he was going to say. He hadn't prepared anything, hadn't thought about it at all. He feared if he did, he'd lose courage. And what he was about to do required more bravery than he had ever needed before of he was to do it right.

Their Sensei's door wasn't closed, only slightly ajar. Candlelight dimly shone through, illuminating the edges of his tired face. He psyched himself up, then pushed it open, standing inside their father's room for the first time in long months. It gave him an odd strength, a resolution that allowed him to embrace what was about to come.

Leonardo opened his eyes and looked at him curiously. The candles around him flickered and jumped, sputtering in the silence. He unfolded his legs from the lotus position and simply crossed them, perched among the many ornately faded cushions. Nag Champa incense, Leonardo's current favourite, burned and smoked, the ember gently smouldering away.

"I thought I'd find you here," Raph mumbled, coming to sit with him.

"Do I exist now?" Leo asked passively, playing with the tassels on one of the cushions.

"Y'always existed, I was just too angry with ya t'acknowledge ya," Raph shrugged, offering a light grin.

"I'm sorry,"

"It's ok, I understand why you did it, you just...didn't listen to me. I guess I know how you feel sometimes now, when we don't listen t'you," He looked up and a sad smile graced Leo's lips.

"Now do you see why _I'm _so jealous of _you _Raph? When you're angry, you can yell and go crazy and go outside and let it all out. I can't. I have to keep it all inside, pretend it doesn't exist, because that's what a perfect leader does Raph," Leo explained softly, sorrowfully.

"He's gone now Leo, you don't have t'be perfect anymore," Raph whispered, watching one of the candles so he didn't have to see his brother's mournful eyes.

"He's not gone Raph. He's here," Leo gently tapped his own temple. "And I can never get him out,"

Raphael took a deep breath. This was it, what he had been waiting for. He drew up his strength and held his brother's hand nervously. It felt bizarre, like he shouldn't be doing it, like it should be _Leo _holding _Raph's _hand because he was the big brother.

"We know that Leo. That's why Don and I made a decision, and Mike agrees with us. He's not very happy about it, but he agrees. We realised forcin' you t'suffer through each and every day wasn't makin' you better, it was makin' you worse,"

Leo didn't answer but he knew it was the truth.

"At first we thought you were doin' great, but then we found the Valium and everythin' just went from bad to worse. Not only were you depressed, but you were abusin' drugs, regressin' back into childhood, goin' catatonic. Don feared you might even have the early signs of schizophrenia, sometimes it's like you're a whole different person, you're hateful, bitter, disrespectful. And then, next minute, you're you again. It's scary bruv, I won't deny it," Raph gave an involuntary shudder.

"What are you saying Raph?" Leo breathed, feeling his heart hammer in fright.

"What I'm sayin' Leo, is it was wrong of us. We just wanted you back with us so badly, we didn't realise we were losin' you more 'n' more each day," He was crying now, and he made no attempt to hide it. " We decided that, if it's what you really, really, _really _wanted to do, we won't stop you if...if..." Raph closed his eyes, his throat constricting and catching his voice. "If you wanted to...to...go,"

Leo gulped, suddenly feeling sick. If he wanted to commit suicide, they weren't going to stand in his way, they were going to let him be at peace if everything genuinely became too hard to bear. It was absurd. After everything they did, they were giving him the choice. He got to decide for himself.

God he loved them.

"What made you change your mind?" He asked quietly.

"I don't know, it was gradual I guess. I realised I wanted you back to yer original self and if didn't give you the freedom, and carried on pressurin' ya, we weren't gonna get you back," Raph wiped his eyes dejectedly.

"Thank you," Leo smiled, drying his own eyes.

"I know he never gave you a choice before, it was always his decision. Now it's up to you," Raph returned the gesture. Although it was such a dark and serious situation, those smiles helped a lot.

"It's nice to have a choice," Leo agreed.

He wasn't sure how hard or easy things were going to get, and he wasn't sure how he was going to cope. But it was reassuring to know he didn't have to worry about his brothers stopping him from doing what he really needed to do.

He knew it must've took a lot for them to accept this, and a lot more for Raph to come and tell him, but it also took a huge weight from all their shoulders. Sure, life would be Foot-free, give or take a few rogue ninjas, but there was still that soft, commanding, unrelenting voice in the back of his head and he knew that wouldn't go away anytime soon. And if it did, it could always come back.

But he promised Mikey he'd try his hardest, and that was what he was going to do. He was going to prove to Mikey he _could _keep his promises. He was going to try. He didn't know if he would succeed or not, but he was definitely going to try, and no one, not even Splinter, could ask for more.

"We love you bruv,"

"I know, I love you too,"

"Use your choice wisely Leo,"

"I will, I just hope I choose correctly,"

"You will. You usually do,"

The End

A.N: That's it! Wow that feels weird. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and I shall see you guys soon! Remember to review and check out my other stuff! Love you!


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